Letters to the universe

Dear Stupid cold,
I realize that no time is the perfect time for me to be sick, however, now is really not a good time for me.
Just wondering if we could reschedule this whole sore throat, runny nose, headache, coughing thing for another time.
Please let me know what time would work best for you so that I can arrange to be out of town and miss your visit completely.

Signed,
Seriously, I don't have time for this




Dear manufacturers of Mucinex,

First off, I would like to say how much I enjoy your product, it does what you say it will do, and to some extent, has offered me some relief from the symptoms of this stupid cold that I have not been enjoying for the last while.

Last week, I went to purchase a new package of Mucinex, when I discovered that not only do you have a regular strength, but now an extra strength!

I almost bought the extra strength because anything extra strength has got to be better than regular, right?

Upon further reading of the label, I discovered that your "extra strength" actually had twice the amount of active ingredients in each capsule, but you could only take 2 doses a day, whereas the regular strength has half the ingredients but you can take 4 doses a day.


Extra strength = 1200 mg per capsule x 2 doses per day.............total 2400 mg.


Regular strength= 600 mg per capsule x 4 doses per day..........total 2400 mg.





?????





Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling?

Signed,

The consumer who will continue to buy the less expensive regular strength.






Dear Lady sitting across from us at the restaurant,

Even though your bra straps are beige, we can still see them because you are wearing a halter top.

Seriously, you are not fooling anyone.

Signed,

The Fashion Police.





Dear Department of Transportation,

Why are you digging up all of the roads that I drive on?

Signed,

Late for everything due to the amount of road construction everywhere I go.

Dear middle aged man who just cut me off on the freeway,

Are you aware that the cute little red convertible that you are driving doesn't hide the fact that you are bald?

And fat.

Signed,
Not impressed




Dear Justin Bieber's hairstylist,

Stop that! Please!

Perhaps your talents would be better used on old fat men trying to hide their bald spots, in fact, the other day I was nearly hit on the road by a guy that could have used your services.

Signed,
Step away from the hair dryer!


Dear Diet Dr. Pepper,

You are awesome!

Signed,

Your jittery friend.

Letter of gratitude...because I'm so grateful..........really, I am.

Dear Neighbors!

Thank you so much for the note that you left in my mailbox the other day.




I do so appreciate the concern that you have with our lawn. I realize that we were a few days past the time that we usually mow and our grass may have been a bit longer than usual, and for this I apologize.

I am a little confused, however, at the comment about cleaning up our clippings. (This is obviously a point of great concern to you as you underlined this part of the note TWICE)

We always use a bag on the lawnmower in the front yard and so the only clippings I can think of would be a few scattered on the driveway and perhaps a few may have ended up in the gutter.

I do realize that we didn't use a bag the last time we mowed our back yard and just left the clippings on the lawn, however if this is what has you concerned, I just have to tell you that technically, going into our back yard would be trespassing, and I would strongly recommend that you not go there.

I'm sure that you were smugly watching us that afternoon as we worked in our yard, thinking that you were the one responsible for getting us out there. Little did you know that we had already planned to take care of this yardwork that afternoon anyway. We would have worked on the yard sooner, but there were several things that came up, such as bad weather and a family funeral.

Just so you know, as we were cleaning the dandelions out of our flowerbeds, I was secretly wishing that the wind would take EVERY dandelion seed and deposit it in your yard.
They are such annoying weeds lovely flowers, I think you deserve ALL of them.

I also wanted to thank you for this note, because it literally made my day! After the horrible headache that I had when I woke up, the trip to the dentist where I was told that I have not one but TWO cavities, and the tire that went flat just as we drove in the driveway, this was literally the icing on the cake!!

I only wish that you had signed the note with your actual names so that I could thank you personally, because a note like this deserves a personal THANK YOU!!!

I would also like to mention to you that leaving a note in the mailbox is against the law. I'm going to assume that you know this because of the way the note was cleverly left on top of the mail. I can only imagine you peeking out your window, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the mail so that you could sneak over to our mailbox and safely leave this note.

I hope you feel better about your life now that our yard is in tip top shape and no longer an assault to your senses.

Signed,
Grateful for "Super" neighbors.

p.s. If a few clippings bother you that much, why don't you sneak over and sweep them up yourself?!?!

p.p.s. We may not be 100% sure who you are, however, (due to the process of elimination) we do have a pretty darn good idea of your identity.

p.p.p.s. Get a life.