If yoga people can't cough, can they sing and dance at Wal Mart?

Max has spent the last three weeks in first grade, and appears to be doing just fine. I kept trying to convince him that he was going to miss me too much and I should come with him to school, but he is quite sure that I shouldn't be there.

I even offered to join him for lunch and stay for the second half of the day but he appears to be adamantly against me doing that.
He is even opposed to me standing outside and watching him through the windows.

Deep down I think he really misses me.

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Just out of curiosity, how long do you usually wave your hand in front of the towel dispenser in a public restroom before realizing that it isn't automatic and you actually need to turn the handle to get the towel out?

Not that I've ever done that.

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Earlier today I found Aaron in the kitchen holding a funnel with a balloon attached to it. He hid behind the counter and filled the balloon with flour.

He was dissapointed that he wasn't able to fill the balloon completely, but then he got a wicked grin on his face and said "Hey, I bet if I filled up a few hundred of these, sat them on the lawn then run over them with the mower, it would make a HUGE MESS!"

This is the same child who came up to me a few months ago and asked me if I could get him some liquid nitrogen.*

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Over the last few weeks, I have found a need to outlaw unnecessary sounds in our house. It's amazing how many sounds are made around here for apparently no reason whatsoever.

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Last night while the kids were finishing up with their homework, I laid on the couch and must have fallen asleep and dreamed that Aaron was in a yoga class because when he coughed loudly and woke me up, I yelled at him "YOGA PEOPLE DON'T COUGH!"**

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For some strange reason, I usually end up at Wal Mart every Saturday night with anywhere from one to four kids.
Saturday night at the Wal Mart is an interesting experience. During the shopping, Aaron generally spends his time dancing around, trying to get caught on the security cameras and having his picture posted on People of Walmart dot com.***
There is usually at least one motor home camped out in the parking lot, sometimes more. It's fun to watch how these campers make themselves at home there, we've even seen some set up a barbecue and patio furniture next to their RV.


Last Saturday night was a little bit special, however, because as we had finished our shopping experience and left the building, we were greeted by this.****

*Yes, he sometimes frightens me.

**Hey, you weren't there, it made perfectly good sense before I woke up completely.

***What can I say, at least he has a goal.

****I'm not even sure that they were all playing the same song.

Top two Max quotes of the week

#1

Max: "Last year I was in Kindergarten and I didn't have a life. This year I'm in first grade and I have a life."

Me: "What is different this year?

Max: "Well, last year all I did was play Mario Kart, this year I go to school all day and play Mario Kart."

#2

Me:" Max, You are so cute!"

Max: "NO I'm am not cute! Boys don't want to be cute, they want to be HOT! I'm HOT not cute!!"

Cheaters never win........or do they?

Mario Kart is a favorite Wii game at our house, Max has become an expert at maneuvering through all of the different tracks.

We recently set up the Wii so it will connect to the internet, and one benefit of this is that the kids are able to play Mario Kart online and race against people all over the world. It's been fun to see all of the places where the other players are from.

Last week, Aaron discovered a way to cheat and win every time he races. I asked him if he really felt OK doing this, and he said that from now on he would only do this at night when all of the other racers are from Japan.*

Tonight, Max was about to enter a race online, and asked Aaron how to cheat so he could win.

Brielle said "Max, you shouldn't cheat, that isn't very nice. Think about it, what would Jesus do?"

Max replies................... "Is Jesus Japanese?"

*Not sure why this would make cheating OK.

Edited to add: I just asked Aaron why cheating would be OK if the other players are from Japan, and he said that if he cheated and those he beat created an angry mob to come and beat him up, it should take a lot longer for the angry mob to get here from Japan than it would if it was an angry mob from around here.

And the award for the most creative excuse of the week goes to........

Me: "Aaron, go clean out your closet."

Aaron: "I can't."

Me: "And why can't you?"

Aaron: ....................

Me: ????

Aaron: "Frogs. There are frogs in my closet."

Me: "Frogs?"

Aaron: "Yes, frogs, and they're jumping around."

Me: ?????

Aaron: "They're jumping around all over my closet.........and....um..... they're poison dart frogs."

Me: "Poison dart frogs?"

Aaron: "Yes, I can't clean out my closet because there are poison dart frogs hopping around in my closet, but don't go and look because they will shoot poisoned darts at you and the poison will go into your body and make your arm fall off."

Me: "Aaron!"

Aaron: "What mom."

Me: "Go clean out your closet!"

Wearing red high heels doesn't automatically make you patriotic

This post should have been written several weeks ago, but it wasn't so just deal with it :)

On the fourth of July, we took the kids to a local minor league baseball game because they were going to have fireworks at the end of the game, and it had been a while since we had taken the kids to see fireworks (other than the ones we would do in our driveway)

We had some pretty good seats, front row, just behind the visiting team's bullpen. We sat and enjoyed most of the game, the weather was perfect, the kettle corn delicious, and the home team was winning.

Around the end of the 6th inning a couple walked toward us. The girl was wobbling along in super high red heels, denim daisy duke shorts and a super tight tank top. She stopped in front of us, put one hand on her hip and wiggled two fake fingernail-tipped fingers at me and Max, and said "WE are sitting there!"

I thought this was really strange, because, obviously, I was sitting there and so was Max, while she was standing in front of us with a really big attitude.....

Her date leaned toward her and said, "No, we're on the row behind them."

She pulled a face and then strutted past us.

Her date looked quite embarrassed and apologized to us as he followed her.

She sat in the seat directly behind us and her date told her that she needed to slide one more seat over. "WHY, aren't these our seats either?" the lady sitting next to her had her toddler daughter on her lap and said "Actually, that's our seat, but she probably won't be sitting in it, she wants to sit on my lap, so you can stay there if you want"

The girl (we'll call her "Ditsy") then made a very loud comment about how stupid the music was, because back when she worked at this ball park as a teenager, they only played awesome music.

Ditsy then told her date that she needed a beer. He said "We just sat down, I'll go get you one when this inning is over." The lady on the other side of them overheard this and told them that they usually stopped selling beer after the seventh inning, so they might want to go get it now.

For the next half inning, the game was quite enjoyable, without the running commentary of Ditsy, however, when they came back, it started up again.

"Here, she said to the lady next to them, I hope you like Budweiser!" and she thrust a large glass of beer toward her.

"Oh........ummmm...I don't drink."

Ditsy turned to her date and said "SEE! I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T DRINK!" then she sat down and proceeded to start drinking her beer.

The non drinking lady next to her turned out to be quite a loyal fan of the home team. She was able to tell us all about the players and kept Ditsy informed on all the rules of the game.

(which seemed strange to me since she had worked there for several years as a teenager, in fact, to hear Ditsy tell about that time, she practically ran the place)

Just then, a foul ball was hit in our direction.

"OH LOOK!" yelled Ditsy "It's a FLY BALL!"

"Actually" said Baseball fan lady (from now on referred to as BFL)"It's a foul ball"

"Fly ball, foul ball, same thing!"

"No" corrected BFL "They are not the same thing, a foul ball is when it goes out of bounds and is out of play."

Ditsy (who has now finished about half of her beer) says "Whatever...." then she says "You know, I really HATE BASEBALL! It's so boring, I never liked watching the games when I worked here."

Just then, a batter hit a line drive to the pitcher, who threw the ball to first base, and the batter was out.

The crowd cheered and Ditsy needed to know what happened. BFL said "They threw him out at first!"

'WHAT? THEY THREW MUD ON FIRST? WHY WOULD THEY THROW MUD ON FIRST? THAT'S STUPID!"

BFL then had to explain to her what happened, and that the batter was now out and would no longer be running around the bases, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Since we were sitting right by the visiting team's bullpen, we were able to watch the pitcher warming up. He was doing various stretches and Ditsy said "WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING WITH HIS ARMS?

BFL then had to explain to her about how he was warming up his muscles so he could throw the ball better and have a lower chance of injury, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

BFL continued conversations with Ditsy, explaining to her everything that was happening and at one point after a certain exciting play, Ditsy was screaming "What happened? What happened?" and after BFL explained it to her she said "That's why I HATE BASEBALL because the ball goes so fast I can't see where it's going!"

Then Ditsy started to talk about herself "I'm just finishing up my degree in public relations!" she excitedly told BFL who asked her what kind of work she planned on doing after graduating. "Well." said Ditsy "Believe it or not, I'm thinking about going to LAW SCHOOL!"

Then turning back to the game she said "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Finally, the end of the game came, (along with the end of Ditsy's beer, and I suspect a good amount of the extra beer...) the home team won, and everyone in the general admission seats in the grass on the other side of the outfield needed to move onto the playing field because the fireworks were being launched too close to where they were sitting. This took quite a while to get everyone moved, and Ditsy spent the whole time rambling on about herself.

When everyone was seated safely on the field and the lights went out for the fireworks, Ditsy leaned over to her date and loudly whispered "I HAVE TO PEE!" He said "The fireworks are starting now, can't you wait until they're over? (Obviously, they had only come for the fireworks, there's no way they came to watch the game because remember, she HATES BASEBALL)

"HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THEM TO BE OVER?" She asked her date.

BFL leaned over and said "They put on one of the best firework displays in the city, it could be 30-40 minutes long."

"I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" Ditsy said, then proceeded to climb over the family next to them and teeter up the stairs, going as fast as she could with her knees stuck together, just as the fireworks were starting.

She wasn't gone long (or at least long enough.......) and returned to her seat and grabbed the glass with the remaining beer in it.

She watched the fireworks and continued to drink the beer, and then started using some rather foul language, which could still be heard quite clearly over the loud booms of the fireworks (fortunately, after the first firework, Max climbed into my lap, closed his eyes and covered his ears and missed her language)

The lady with the toddler must have glared at her because then I heard Ditsy say "IF YOU WANT US TO BE QUIET, JUST TELL US! DON'T KEEP LOOKING AT US! WE DON'T HAVE KIDS!"

I have no idea what not having kids had to do with anything, but I guess it seemed like an important point to Ditsy, who then continued with her profane language.

The young mom must have looked at her again because then Ditsy said.....

"STOP LOOKING AT US! IF YOU LOOK AT US AGAIN I'M GOING TO THROW BEER IN YOUR FACE!!! DO YOU WANT BEER IN YOUR FACE? LOOK AT US AGAIN AND I'LL THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!!

Nobody dared look at her after that.

The fireworks ended, and everyone cleared out of the stands.

When we left, I saw Ditsy waiting for her date, outside of the men's restroom, chugging what was left of the beer.

I only hope she didn't drive home.....

Truth in advertising? Bait and switch? Just plain not paying attention? First day on the job?

This is what I ordered.......

(the one on the bottom left, the hot fudge sundae shake)

And this is what I got.

Top ten things overheard from untalented people on America's Got talent (and any other reality talent contests on television)

10. My grandmother thinks I'm really talented.

9. I want this more than anyone else!

8. I've been working for this my whole life!

7. This means more to me than anything!

6. This is what I was born to do!

5. This is all I've ever wanted to do for my whole life!

4. This is my destiny! I've wanted this my whole life!

3. I've sacrificed so much, I've wanted this my whole life!

2. I've had this dream for as long as I can remember!

1. PLEASE!! JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE! I'VE WANTED THIS MY WHOLE LIFE! I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING! PLEASE! LET ME TRY IT AGAIN! I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!!!