Amazonesia

Amazonesia: A condition where you order so many things from Amazon that when the package arrives, you can't actually remember what you bought.



I picked up Max from school a few days ago and when we got home there was a package on our doorstep. I had ordered a bunch of stuff from Amazon over the weekend, so I wasn't surprised to see the package.
I went to the front  porch and tried to pick up the medium sized package, and it was so heavy! I picked it up and lugged it into the house, wondering what on earth I bought that would weigh that much!


I opened the package and......

Weights. I bought weights.

Look! It's a bird! It's a plane!........... No it's a bunch of donkeys flying around!!

So apparently I kind of miss blogging.

I could go on and on with excuses of the reasons why I haven't written anything on here for such a long time, but nobody wants to read excuses.

Since it's November 1st, I decided I could try for NaBloPoMo.

Yeah, we'll just see how long this lasts. Any guesses?

To start it all off, I think I'll do a top 10 list.

(drumroll please)

Top Ten perfectly believable reasons* why I haven't written a blog post in over a year.


10. Got stuck in a check out line at Wal Mart

9. Abducted by Aliens.

8. I forgot my google password **

7. Got stuck on a level of Angry Birds.

6. Been training to be a cage fighter.

5. I can't get on the computer because the children are always using it for their homework ***

4. Spending all of my time waiting around for the UPS guy to actually deliver a package instead of a nice little note saying that he couldn't deliver the package because I wasn't home to sign for the package even though I was actually home so if he had actually rang the doorbell I might have come to the door and signed the thing so he could leave the package.

3. Obsessing over my stat counter, trying to determine how many people ended up on my blog by doing a search for a picture of a spleen****

2. I just woke up, and all of last year was a dream.

And the number one reason I haven't written a blog post in over a year.............

Netflix.



*Notice how I use the word "reasons" instead of excuses. Reasons are legitimate.
**I blame the aliens for this one
*** And if you replace "homework" with "YouTube videos" or "Pinterest" this one could be rather accurate.
****It's much higher than you might think.



So there you have it my first post in a long while.
I'll be back tomorrow.

Or not.

And I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats..............

 Alternate title:  "Giving in to assimilation"


Several years ago, I wrote a post about technology. I might have likened people using hands free Bluetooth headsets to the Borg from Star Trek.

You have to admit, it's a little scary.

I used to silently (and sometimes not so silently) mock the people who wore these devices in public. 

I thought they looked silly.

 Because, seriously, they had to have those things stuck in their ear all the time, I began to wonder if some of them had actually had these devices surgically installed in their brains.

They were everywhere, the grocery store, restaurants, sporting events, these people were everywhere!

Then my husband decided that I should have one for my phone so my hands would be free so I could talk on the phone while driving or working.

At first I didn't think it would make that much difference, (and I don't get that many calls while in the car anyway) but then I tried the headset.

(choirs of angels singing)

I was immediately converted to the use of this funny looking little gadget, especially when I discovered that I could use it to watch movies and listen to music from my phone. No more getting bored while waiting at the orthodontist or dentist! (or anywhere else)

The best part is that my hair is long enough that it covers the device and no one can see that I'm using it!

Then random people started talking to me out of the blue. Apparently, when people can't see the Bluetooth, they automatically assume that I'm talking to them, which I guess is understandable.....

Then last week my brother called me and handed the phone to his super adorable, newly potty trained 2 1/2 year old daughter. I had a conversation with her while walking into the store. I noticed that people were giving me strange looks and I thought they were being rude.

Until I realized that they were only hearing my side of the conversation.

"Wow! Big girl underwear are awesome! You're such a big girl, using the potty! I'm so proud of you for using the potty! I think daddy should give you a treat for being such a big girl!" 

Perhaps I shall start wearing my hair in a ponytail.

Tease me about my age and I'll beat you with my cane!

I was recently looking through some pictures posted on Facebook by a friend I grew up with. She had been to a party with a bunch of people we had known in high school, many of whom I hadn't seen since we graduated.
As I clicked through the photos, noticing wrinkles, a few extra pounds and some receding hairlines, I was struck by how much some of them looked like their parents.

Then I realized that we are now the same age that our parents were when we were in high school.

YIKES!!

Soon after that, my husband's uncle posted a "Happy anniversary" message to his wife on Facebook. 39 years!
I mentioned this to my husband  who did some math in his head and told me "We've been married as long as they were when we got married." (our 20 year anniversary is this December)

Somehow, back then they seemed so much older and wiser than I feel right now.
They had teenagers back then, how could we be as old as they were? I asked myself, then quickly realized that we have two teenagers, and another kid dangerously close to being one.

I need to spend less time on Facebook. It keeps making me think I'm old.......

The ex-spleen-ation for my pain....

Several days ago I woke up with a terrible pain in my left side, just below my ribs. It wasn't a constant pain, but would hurt whenever I moved.  At first I assumed that it was because he day before, I had fallen asleep on our couch while watching TV, and I may have pulled or twisted a muscle or something.
I wasn't completely sure of this, (and may have been a bit bored) so I decided that what I needed to do was to consult Dr. Google (AKA The Hypochondriacs best friend) to discover the real source of my pain.

I did a Google search for "pain under the left ribcage" and came up with 4 different things that could be wrong with me. (I made sure to do this while my children were all in the room, you know, just to make sure that there would be someone around to feel sorry for me)

#1. A collapsed lung

#2. A broken rib

#3. An enlarged or ruptured spleen

#4. A pulled muscle

Before I read these possible diagnosises (is that the correct plural form of the word? Spell check doesn't like it. Should it be diagnosi? Diagnosen?.....) out loud to the children, I made sure to see what the treatments would be for each ailment.

The top three all required, or at least suggested bed rest, so those were the ones I went with.

I told the kids about the pain in my side and that there was a possibility that I had either collapsed a lung, broken a rib, or had a ruptured spleen, and would need to take it easy for a while. I also may have mentioned that they would have to wait on me, bring me ice cream and let me control the TV remote.

They all looked at me blankly (there may have even been some eye rolling involved) and pushed me away from the computer to read the news from Dr. Google themselves.

I should have read further, because apparently, if you have a collapsed lung, it would probably make breathing difficult, and if I had a broken rib, I would be in much more pain that I appeared to be in.

Therefore, I decided that it must be my spleen.

Some of the children didn't know what a spleen was, or where it is located.
Being the very helpful kind of mother that I am, I went ahead and showed each of them where their spleen is.

It seems that my children's spleens are very ticklish, because they laughed a lot, squirmed, and tried to get away from me when I poked them under their ribs, causing me to twist around and make my spleen hurt even more.

These offspring of mine didn't really seem all that concerned about my painful spleen, and they laughed at my discomfort.
One of them even suggested that I had probably just pulled a muscle or something.

The nerve!

So later that night, after they all went to bed, I found a picture of a spleen online, and emailed it to each one of them.

As it turned out, a few days later it stopped hurting, and was probably just a pulled muscle.

My obligitory New Year's resolution post

OK, here's the deal.

I don't believe in making New Year's resolutions.

There! I said it! I won't do it!

Mostly because I don't believe in starting on something where I know I will fail.

Yes, I would like to lose weight. Yes, I would like to be more organized. There are so many areas in my life where I could improve..................

But the simple truth is that there is something that works much better than stating a general goal on January first.

Would you like to know what it is?

A deadline!

Because nothing is more motivating for weight loss than a High School Reunion.

As it turns out, my High School reunion was last year, and I didn't go to it anyway, so by the way I look at it, I can push this weight loss thing back another 3 or 4 years.

Or better yet, I can just forget about the weight loss, have plastic surgery to look like that one really stuck up girl, then go to the reunion and tell everyone that I'm her.

Actually, as far as New Year's resolutions go, if I'm forced to come up with something, I think I might make the same ones that I came up with a few years ago.

1. Shave my legs.
2. Put my ironing board away.
3. Attend more blogger lunches.

Bonus for me, because my ironing board is currently stashed nicely behind the door of the laundry room :)

Happy New Year!!!

When friends stop being friends

It's happened folks, I've recently discovered that I have been de-friended on Facebook.

I wouldn't have even known it, until I got a little suggestion that I add someone to my friends list, that was already on my friend list.

I laughed when I saw this, because, seriously, she's already on my friend list, and we've been friends IRL since first grade!

So, I clicked on her profile link, and I no longer have access to all of her information.

"This is strange" I thought "It must be some mistake!"

I looked at her friend list and I was not there!

It's true, I have been officially defriended.

Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? Was it because I continually ignored her requests to join her in Farmville, Mafia wars and all of the other games she invited me to play?
Was it because I never clicked on the link to find out what questions she answered about me?
Was it because I didn't come to her (fill in any multi-level-marketing company) party when she advertized it on Facebook and begged everyone to attend?
Was it because I never included a profile picture of myself, so she just had to look at that creepy sillouette whenever I made a comment?

What would make a person purposely eliminate someone from their list of friends.

I was rather perplexed.

I decided that she probably just left her computer logged on to Facebook, and her cat defriended me.

Stupid cat.

Then other friends from my list started appearing in the "friend suggestions" page on Facebook. Three of them to be exact, and I'm pretty sure that at least one of them does not have a cat, (and I doubt that dogs have that kind of dexterity)

Now I'm wondering what is the proper protocol for this type of situation. Here are my ideas.

1) Act completely oblivious to the fact that they have purposley eliminated me from thier friend list, and send a friend request to them. (multiple times if necessary)

2) Sit in front of the computer, staring at the friend list that I'm not on, and feel bad.

3) Go out for ice cream.

Your suggestions (and friend requests) would be appreciated.

NATIONAL DE-LURKING DAY!!

It has just been brought to my attention that today is National De-Lurking day!

What is that you might ask?

It's when all of the people who lurk (read but don't comment) are encouraged to leave a comment.

Last year on this day, I had some of the best comments ever!

I also used my stat counter to get information to call out one of my readers who never commented. (I may have mentioned where they lived and their occupation) They commented, but have never been back.
To this person, I apologize, I didn't mean to drive you away. (not that they will see this, because as mentioned before, they haven't been back) (sigh)

Last year was so fun because I encouraged everyone to leave a comment as their favorite famous person! (Mostly so it would look like famous people were reading my blog)

I also suggested that if you couldn't think of anything to say, to just leave a really random comment such as......

"The moldy bird flies at midnight"
"Purple porcupines with rabies attack me in my sleep!"
"Target hates me!!"

Some of my favorite comments were;

Sarah Palin said...
WOW! You are amazingly funny! Your so lucky you have such creative kids. The crazy imagination leads to wonderful stories and memories. ~~~~In the 1800's, 'pants' was a dirty word in England


Barack Obama said...
I wanted to say that you have a fine blog, a bold blog, that tells the world what fine people Americans are. You are an outstanding example of the kind of person we should all seek to be. This is why I'm giving you my Nobel Peace Prize. You are that important.

George of the Jungle said...
You make me laugh. Max makes me laugh more.---It is against the law in Georgia to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. So what am I supposed to tie the giraffe to, I ask you?

Anderson Cooper said...
The dolphin is in the washing machine, I repeat, the dolphin is in the washing machine.


To whoever left that Anderson Cooper comment, just so you know, "The dolphin is in the washing machine" has become a favorite phrase at our house.

What can I say, we're a little strange around here.

Back to the whole de-lurking thing, leave a random comment as your favorite (or least favorite) famous person.

No, I'm not addicted, why do you ask?

Due to the massive amounts of snow that fell last night, we ended up without power for most of the day.

Things that don't work without electricity.......

1. Internet
2. Television
3. Radio
4. Bathroom light
5. Internet
6. Hot Glue gun
7. Microwave
8. Internet
9. Electronic piano
10. Popcorn maker
11. Computer
12. DVD player
13. Internet
14. The automatic ice and water in the refrigerator door
15. Storage room light
16. Internet
17. Kitchen Aid mixer
18. Dishwasher
19. Washing machine
20. Internet
21. Cordless phones
22. Alarm clock
23. Sewing machine
24. Oven
25. Furnace
27. Internet
28. INTERNET
29. INTERNET!!!!!!

The perfect storm.....

"Sure, I can have that project finished for you. I'll have it ready for you to pick up at 3:30."

"You'll be able to deliver the new refrigerator today? GREAT! Yes, 3:30 will be fine."

"You don't have anyone to tend the girls for an hour this afternoon? Sure, I would love to watch them! I'll see you at 3:30."

I know you are out there. Identify yourselves!

It has just come to my attention that today is National De-Lurking day.

I have a stat counter installed on this blog, and I see that many people are reading, however, only a few are commenting.

Perhaps you are shy?

Perhaps the "A" key is broken on your keyboard and you aren't able to write a comment using only the other 4 vowels?

Perhaps you came here looking for ideas for show and tell at preschool, decorations for a garbage truck birthday party, or funny potty training quotes.

Perhaps you are working in a law office in Lincoln Nebraska, and you only have a few snippets of time each day to read a blog without being detected by your boss and so you don't have time to comment?

So now I say to you, dear blog lurkers, DE-LURK! Leave me a comment! (pretty please. I'm having a monumentally bad week and I could sure use some nice comments)

If you don't want to use your real name, sign in as your favorite famous person. This way, it looks like I have a bunch of famous people reading my blog.

If you don't know what to say, leave me some sort of random comment such as......

"The moldy bird flies at midnight"

"Purple porcupines with rabies attack me in my sleep!"

"Target hates me!!"

"Uninsured drivers who back up into the side of your car should be covered in honey and forced to sit on top of an anthill!"

Yeah, pretty much any random comment will do, keeping in mind that my kids do read my blog, so anything you write should be appropriate for them to read.

If you really want to make my day, sign in as somebody famous and leave a random comment.

Thank you.

Happy commenting!

Point well taken

We've recently discovered that Max has an extreme fondness for hot chocolate. Last year we tried to give him some, but he saw the other kids stirring theirs with a spoon and he decided that he wanted to stir it too, but since he had the coordination of a three year it became very messy and we decided that he shouldn't have any more.

This year, Brielle discovered the magic known as the straw. Max will sit and sip his hot (it's actually just barely warm) chocolate through the straw.

He loves it!

We've also discovered that the kid will do anything for hot chocolate.

ANYTHING!

And yes, I'm going to use that little piece of information for as long as it lasts.

Last night I told Max that if he went and got his pajamas on right then, I would give him a cup of hot chocolate.

He was very excited and ran into his room.

A while later, I heard him playing in his room and walked in to find him still in his clothes, and his pajamas still sitting empty on his bed.

"Hey" I said "I thought you were going to put your pajamas on?"

He smiles at me and says "I'm going to do it in a minute."

A while later, I went back to see him still playing with his blocks.

"Max, it's almost your bedtime, please get your pajamas on!"

"OK mom, I'm doing it in a minute."

After about 20 minutes, he came walking into the family room, still dressed in his clothes.

I said "Max, go get your pajamas on now!"

He went back into his room and emerged a while later wearing his pajamas. "I'm ready for my hot chocolate now."

"No Max, I said you could have hot chocolate if you got in your pajamas quickly, but it took you a long time."

"But I said I would do it in a minute!"

"You took way more than a minute, a minute is only a short amount of time."

And then he says to me,

"When YOU say "in a minute," it always takes a really long time!"

Point well taken.

(Don't you hate it when things that you say to your kids come back later to bite you in the butt?)

Max quote of the day:

"If it gets snow on it, does garbage change to garbage juice?"

Christmas tunes

This last weekend we finally went all out and decorated for Christmas. We put up the tree, we got out the wreaths, and we even hung up the stockings with care.

And the whole time we were listening to Christmas music on the radio.

I love Christmas music! (as long as it is seasonally appropriate)

I will, however, say that I don't love all Christmas music, some of it just really grates on my nerves. The kids know which songs just drive me absolutely batty, and when one of those songs happens to come on the radio, they will race each other to see who can turn the music off first.

Because they love me.

(or they just don't want to deal with an irritated mom ranting on forever about how ridiculous a certain song is)

Now one Christmas song I do really enjoy is Max's version of The Twelve days of Christmas.

It's AWESOME!

Mostly because he doesn't actually know the words so he makes them all up on his own. We first heard this song last Saturday, coming out of the bathroom where Max was taking a very long time answering nature's call.

We didn't want him to stop singing, so we all just huddled outside the door trying to stifle our giggles as he sang at the top of his lungs. (I had planned on videotaping him singing this song then posting the audio for everyone to enjoy, however, he has been really sick the last two days and doesn't feel like talking, let alone singing, when he gets feeling better, I'll try to get him to do it)

I'm not going to tell you which Christmas songs just drive me crazy, but instead, I will ask you to guess what they are, then tell me which songs make you want to go throw a fruitcake at the radio. If you want, you can include a detailed description of why you dislike these songs.

I will take the top five songs and put up a survey on my sidebar so we can all vote on the most annoying Christmas song of all time.

Note to my lurkers: I know you are out there, now is the time for you to comment :0)

Also, this concludes my final post for NaBloPoMo. I might take a few days off, or I might be back tomorrow. Isn't it exciting not knowing exactly what I'm going to do?

Calling all crafters

Today we spend the afternoon cleaning out and reorganizing our kitchen closet. This wasn't just a "go through and tidy things up" cleaning, but more of a get rid of everything that we really don't need cleaning.
Aaron really helped with this project and did a great job!

While we were sorting through all of the stuff in the closet, we found several boxes with clear plastic utensils in them. Actually, they were all knives.
Now here's the problem, when the manufacturers package these utensils, they give you equal amounts of knives, forks and spoons. Apparently, we don't use as many knives as we do forks and spoons.

I found a lot of plastic knives today.

I realize that the whole point of cleaning the closet was to get rid of things, but for some reason, I just can't throw away these knives. I can't help but think that there is some really cool craft that I could make with the obscene amount of plastic knives that we have in our house. (Did I mention that last month when we cleaned out our storage room, we found tons of them in there too?)
The question that I would like to ask everyone today is,

What on earth can I make with all of these plastic knives?

If someone comes up with a really good idea, I will make it. I might even start an etsy shop selling plastic knife crafts!!

Actual conversation between me and the kids while wandering through the parking lot at Wal Mart last night at 10:30 pm

Me: "Where did we park? "

Brielle: "I don't know, wasn't it over this way?"

Me: "No, I don't think so, I think it was more over that way. It drives me crazy when we bring Dad's car, because it's harder to find."

Aaron: "I think I remember walking down this way."

Me: "Are you sure? I kind of remember facing south when we parked."

Aaron: "Didn't we park next to a tree?"

Me: " I don't think so, I don't like parking in those spots with the trees."

Brielle: "Why didn't we bring your car mom?"

Me: "I wish we had, then I could hit the button on the keys and the horn would honk."

Aaron: "Maybe it was over on this row."

Brielle: "No, I think it was closer to this entrance."

Me: "What color is Dad's car anyway?"

Brielle: "MOM! You know what color it is, it's silver."

Me: "Or is it more of a gray?"

Aaron: "I'm pretty sure we parked by a tree."

Brielle: "Look over there Mom, that car is just like your car!"

Me: "It does look kind of like my car doesn't it?"

Brielle: "I wish it was your car, then we would know where it was."

Aaron: "Hey Mom! Look at the license plate! That IS your car!"

Brielle: "Oh yeah, we did come in your car!"






If I hadn't brought the kids with me to Wal Mart, I might still be wandering around, looking for the wrong car.....................


Don't judge. It was dark outside.

Apparently I've been too vague when posting about things that have disturbed me

Yesterday I posted this photo.



And said that I found one of them.

And I did find one of them. It was growing out the side of my head.

It was a gray hair.

I must say that I'm a little disappointed that nobody figured this one out and just automatically assumed that I found a huge rabbit hopping around in the back yard.
And just for the record, if we had found a rabbit in the back yard, Max would not have liked it, he would have had a major FREAKING OUT!

Max is not a big fan of animals that have not come from Build-a-bear.

I'm pretty sure that he would like animals if we had any around, however, we do not have any pets because:

#1. DH is allergic to fur.

#2. We have new carpet.

#3. I have enough on my mind, trying to keep 4 kids and one husband cared for. I do not need to be responsible for one more living thing. That goes for houseplants too.

Now don't get me wrong, I love dogs (cats, not so much, they're too sneaky) (and please don't send any hate mail about the fact that I like dogs more than cats.)

Max is convinced that the dog that lives behind us is someday going to eat the fence and come into our yard and eat him too.
I've told him that if the dog ate the fence he would probably be too full to eat him too. (unless he wanted to eat him for dessert, because he's so sweet)

Still, dogs, cats, lizards and real birds freak him out.

So, back to the original subject, I found a gray hair!!! I plucked it from my head so I knew for sure that it was mine, not like those others that I've found in my hairbrush. I was under the impression that some old lady was sneaking into our house while we were gone and brushing her hair with my brush. (I'm pretty sure she might have had something to do with that pair of old lady shoes that I bought too) No siree bob, I have to claim this stupid hair.

The really sad part is that I'm only 30.*

Anyway, I posted the gray hare/hair thinking that all of my bloggy friends would say things like:
"Oh honey, I'm sorry, you should try Clairol #5."
or
"Gray is the new blonde."

But, no. Instead of being all supportive, everyone is all excited about a huge, non-existing rabbit in our back yard. (which in reality would probably fit in nicely with all of Max's imaginary birds)

Now, excuse me, I need to go to the store and stock up on some Geritol and Oil of Olay.




* This is actually my third year being 30. I will not tell you how many years I spent at age 29.

Hide and seek with Max

I have this fun game that I've played with all my kids when they were little. If I knew that they were coming into a room, I would hide around the corner and as they walk by I jump out and growl at them. Sure, at first they had this look of sheer terror on their faces, but it soon melted into uncontrolled giggles then they would be their turn to hide and "scare" me.


Today, I got into the hide and growl game with Max. He loves this game, and will play it forever. When it was my time to hide, I hid in the kitchen closet.





I heard Max walk in the kitchen and around the island.





He looked in the bathroom by the kitchen.





He looked in the hall closet.





He looked behind the couches.





He looked in the laundry room.





I'm still in the closet waiting. I can't believe that he hasn't looked in the closet, I mean, it was the only place he hadn't looked, and it was SO obvious!





He went and looked in the living room, then I heard him go downstairs.





I continued to wait.





When he came upstairs he went down the hallway and looked in the bedrooms and bathroom again. I heard him opening all the closet doors. He even started calling "Mom! Where are you?"





Then it dawned on me.





You know those white childproof doorknob covers that you put on your doorknobs so that little kids (and some adults) can't open them?

There was one on the door to the closet that I was hiding in.