Sunday, February 24, 2008

61 bits of wisdom

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to meet some fellow bloggers. I had so much fun, we ate, we laughed, we gave awards, we laughed some more, we watched a small dragon dive headfirst into a cup of butter...............
(Hopefully, someone will post a photo of that)
Anyway, Thanks ladies! It was a great day, it will be fun to get together again sometime!

I've had a few people ask me what's wrong with CJ's teeth.
Basically, He's 12 1/2 and his 12 year molars are nowhere near growing in. After two sets of x-rays, it was determined that they were indeed growing, however, none of them are actually growing in the correct direction. One is even growing directly towards one of his wisdom teeth.
Tomorrow I need to get an appointment for the orthodontist, and our dentist mentioned that we might need to get the oral surgeon involved.


True to form, CJ is blaming me for the whole situation.
"See mom, I told you we should have gone in earlier for that follow up appointment at the orthodontist!"
We are about a year overdue for his check up. He has had his braces off for almost 4 years, and I'm supposed to take him in for an evaluation every now and then.

So basically I'm a bad mom.

Never mind that there would be no way that the orthodontist could have seen this coming a year ago.
The dentist assured me that it would not have made any difference if the orthodontist had seen him earlier, and it is NOT MY FAULT!
(Neener neener to you CJ!)
Feeling the need to blame someone for the problem with his teeth, we have decided to blame my brother.
If any of you have any suggestions on a good way that we can make my brother responsible for this mess, I'm listening.

One thing I have learned from being a parent is that my kids will always find some way to blame me for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.

Here are 61 other things that I have learned since I have become a mom.

1. It IS possible for a two year old to memorize three ENTIRE episodes of Spongebob. (Does that make me a bad mom?)
2. A band-aid will make a bruise feel better.
3. Whenever you really do need a band-aid, they will be all gone.
4. A two year old can get the lid off of a huge, brand new Costco bottle of shampoo, and dump it all down the drain without making a single sound.
5. Your child who will always eat ANYTHING will suddenly decide that lasagna is "yucky" while you are visiting your inlaws, and your MIL has spent the entire day making homemade lasagna.
6. If you decide to go ahead and get the really expensive front row seats for the circus, so your two year old can see everything up close, he will fall asleep in the first ten minutes, and miss the whole thing.
7. No matter where you hide your make up, it will never be safe from your toddler.
8. Two year old girls believe that mascara goes directly on their cheeks, eyeliner on their lips, and lipstick is to be firmly twisted inside the cap.
9. It is possible to get nail polish out of hair.
10. The worse the word your child has learned, the more likely he is to use it during a quiet moment in church. (In my defense, he learned the word from a neighbor and made up a little song with it. Sang it in church, he did)
11. Macaroni is flammable.
12. As soon as you take your sick, feverish, limp and listless child to the doctor, the fever will disappear, and the child will run around the waiting room at full speed.
13. Even if you are positive that your baby does not know how to drink from a straw, they will figure it out if you let them chew on the straw in your Diet Coke, and you won't notice until almost half of it is gone.
14. Caffeine will keep babies awake.
15. WD 40 removes crayon from walls.
16. Tape will not fix broken crayons.
17. Tape will not fix broken crackers.
18. A toddler does not understand that tape will not fix broken crayons or crackers.
19. You will always be out of tape.
20. Babies do not like it when you are wearing a clean shirt.
21. A child can survive indefinitely eating nothing but mac-n-cheese.
22. If a child leans on the screen door long enough, it WILL break, and you will spend the next 3 hours in the emergency room getting his chin stitched up.
23. If you leave a toddler alone just long enough to go to the bathroom, he will climb on the kitchen table, and fall off, and you will spent the next two hours going to the doctor to get the gash in his ear glued back together.
24. If you have toys scattered all over the floor, and you buy a nice toybox to put all the toys in, the kids will take all the toys out of the toybox and scatter them on the floor, so they can play IN the toybox.
25. Even if you feed your kids a full seven course meal right before you take them to grandma's house, as soon as they walk in the door, they will be hungry.
26. Grandma will always feed the kids anything they want.
27. Even though the diaper box says "Up to 10 pounds" the diaper won't really hold that much poop.
28. It's not a good idea to wash disposable diapers.
29. If you do accidentally wash a disposable diaper, it takes forever to get all of the little gel pieces off of the clothes, and out of the washer.
30. Polly Pocket shoes are edible.
31. Bananas don't flush.
32. Polly Pocket clothes do.
33. Toothbrushes flush just far enough that you can't reach in and pull them out, but not so far that they won't cause the toilet to clog.
34. It costs over $200.00 for a plumber to come in and remove two toilets from the floor, and retrieve the toothbrushes.
35. Toddlers don't really care where a toothbrush has been.
36. A sequin can make it all the way through a child's digestive system.
37. Even if a child swears that they have no homework, they usually do.
38. If you think that a child might have homework, look in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, or under the cushions on the couch, you will probably find it there.
39. Spend the extra money for the leather seats in your car. It's so much easier to clean up if you have kids who are prone to carsickness.
40. Always travel with a bucket, a roll of paper towels, and a can of Lysol.
41. If you give your children Benadryl because your doctor recommends it for carsickness, it will just make them throw up purple.
42. Apparently, I don't know anything.
43. A twelve year old boy can eat an entire pizza.
44. It's always my fault when someone can't find their shoes.
45. Children really like to play with the controls on the refrigerator, so your lettuce will always be frozen.
46. After your child gets himself a popcicle always check the freezer in the garage to make sure the door is closed so it won't stay open all night, and you lose a freezer full of frozen food.
47. You will never know where all of your pens are.
48. While potty training, a child can sit on the potty for an hour and nothing will happen until 5 minutes after you put a diaper back on him.
49. Floods happen.
50. Butter isn't just for eating.
51. A toddler considers themselves fully dressed if they are wearing nothing but a hat, gloves and cowboy boots.
52. Toddlers like to undress themselves pretty much anywhere.
53. It is possible for a four year old to trash your internet off of your computer.
54. Four year olds think it's funny to watch mommy scream because they have trashed the internet from the computer.
55. Computer passwords are a good thing.
56. Kid's safety scissors can cut more than you might think.
57. Never leave any important documents where a toddler can get to them.
58. Toddlers love paper shredders.
59. No matter how many times you put your books away in the bookshelves, five minutes later, they will be all over the floor.
60. If you just got new tile, and you haven't sealed the grout yet, and a child gets tired of his grape popcicle, and puts it in a cup, the popcicle will melt, the cup will spill onto the unsealed grout, and it will leave a stain.
61. No matter what I have learned from having my kids, I wouldn't trade them for anything!!

Love you guys!!

(Yes, my kids read my blog)


JustRandi said...

That's quite a wealth of knowledge you have there. I don't know how you keep it all in your head!
It seems like I knew a few of those at one point, but they all seem to be gone this morning!

It's Just me! said...

It's scarey but I can relate to so many of those things! (and of course I have a few different yet crazy ones too) Kids can keep you guessing what they will do next!

Jo said...

Ha ha ha! I can identify completely with your list. Although I have to admit, your kids have done some stuff my kids haven't. To be fair though, the opposite is also true!
Didn't we have a great time!! My dragon is still talking about.

elizasmom said...

Hi Jill —
R.E. your observations about older kids, I am curious, but afraid, of what awaits me now.
But the ones about toddlers are really conveying that weird mixture of chaos and OCD that is the hallmark of that phase. I'm nodding my head over 18, 20, 48 and 59 in particular. Oh, and 61, of course. Most of the time.

Jen said...

20 and 24 especially apply round here. Hilarious list.

Kalynne Pudner said...

I do declare, Miss Jill, that you have taught even an old dog like me a few things today. I especially love the sequence of the bits...very logical!

May I add a 62nd? There's nothing they can do so bad that it doesn't make a good story someday.

Kimber said...

My son is currently is braces and just now at age 16 his 12 year molars are finally coming in. Luckily our ortho thought it best to let them come in on their own time and left the surgeon out of it. Good Luck!

Love the list - although it brought too many of our adventures to mind :S

Melissa said...

Kids make us smarter... that is why we have them... right? :)

Tausha said...

it is a good thing that we have our kids just so they can tell us what to do, how to do things, and it is always our fault-one more thing-if we were only as smart as our children-life would be joyful! (i have a 7 year old daughter-she knows everything and it is always my fault-i am sure that all moms can relate!

Lola...again said...

Yeah!! I was wondreing how to get the crayon off my wall. I've tried about everything! The paint is coming off...but not the crayon!

Motorcycle Grandma said...

My #6: You will purchase very expensive seats for the entire family to see "Phantom of the Opera". Eight year old will fall asleep just before the scene when the chandelier falls and sleeps through the rest of the performance.

Motorcycle Grandma said...

You can also get crayon and other persistently stubborn items off the wall with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. It truly is magic. Marks are gone - paint still intact.

melissious said...

Wow. Seriously I thought that I had somehow written that entire thing. Are you my subconscious??

Katie said...

That's hilarious. I've actually BTDT on some of those! lol.

Jo said...

Motorcycle Grandma, it is one of the most mournful facts of my life that I was forced to raise most of my kids without the benefit of Mr. Clean magic erasers.

Motorcycle Grandma said...

jo - I feel your pain. I was in the same situation with all of my kids. But with grandkids around, the good old Magic Eraser has come to the rescue more than once.

utmomof5 said...

I didn't realize motherhood could teach me such a vast amount of knowledge, who needs a college degree. :)

I am so sad I missed the get together on Saturday. I glad you had fun.


Kimberly said...

I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard! That was brilliant! When does the book come out?

MommyJ said...

I don't know who you are or where you came from to get to my blog, but I am so glad you did because you are freakin hilarious. I laughed out loud at your 61 things. And I'm not surprised that the messed up teeth are your fault. I remember my mother saying when I was a kid that we would find a way to blame a war in the middle east on her. I absolutely did not get what she was saying until I was a Mom, and suddenly responsible for everything. Even things totally unrelated to me. Amazing.

Brillig said...

Oh. Mygosh. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying here. You are so stinking funny, woman! "Tape does not fix crackers." HAHAHA! Truer words were never spoken. The whole list is awesome!

Anonymous said...

And I bet your Income Tax refund is on the way, and you were going to do something nice and meaningful with it!

Jessica G. said...

Oh totally...I was nodding and laughing and praying that my kids never do that all through the list.

And did you know that those safety scissors can cut through the cable that connects your printer to your computer? It's true! And you won't notice until late Saturday night while you're trying to get ready to teach Sunday School the following day.

Dedee said...

I really couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. That was so funny! I'm getting there, and yes, it was awesome to meet you!

Lucy said...

Jill, this is a great list. One for the ages, for sure. It was nice to meet you the other day. You clearly have much wisdom:)

Zina said...

This is a fabulous list!

I do have to say that I thought you got off easy that the shampoo only got put down the drain. Also, if you buy ball point pens in bulk from Costco, you can gain a few happy pen-handy weeks before they all disappear into the ether.

Bonnie C said...

Just cruising through. You are my kind of woman. Let me just say I have 5 kids ranging in age from 12 to 2, 6year olds. It is amazing the things you learn as a mother. I never thought I would have to tell my "Please don't lick your brother." Thanks for the giggles.