Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
He is even opposed to me standing outside and watching him through the windows.
Deep down I think he really misses me.
Just out of curiosity, how long do you usually wave your hand in front of the towel dispenser in a public restroom before realizing that it isn't automatic and you actually need to turn the handle to get the towel out?
Not that I've ever done that.
Over the last few weeks, I have found a need to outlaw unnecessary sounds in our house. It's amazing how many sounds are made around here for apparently no reason whatsoever.
Last night while the kids were finishing up with their homework, I laid on the couch and must have fallen asleep and dreamed that Aaron was in a yoga class because when he coughed loudly and woke me up, I yelled at him "YOGA PEOPLE DON'T COUGH!"**
For some strange reason, I usually end up at Wal Mart every Saturday night with anywhere from one to four kids.
Saturday night at the Wal Mart is an interesting experience. During the shopping, Aaron generally spends his time dancing around, trying to get caught on the security cameras and having his picture posted on People of Walmart dot com.***
There is usually at least one motor home camped out in the parking lot, sometimes more. It's fun to watch how these campers make themselves at home there, we've even seen some set up a barbecue and patio furniture next to their RV.
Last Saturday night was a little bit special, however, because as we had finished our shopping experience and left the building, we were greeted by this.****
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Top ten things overheard from untalented people on America's Got talent (and any other reality talent contests on television)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Here are 61 other things that I have learned since I have become a mom.
1. It IS possible for a two year old to memorize three ENTIRE episodes of Spongebob. (Does that make me a bad mom?)
2. A band-aid will make a bruise feel better.
3. Whenever you really do need a band-aid, they will be all gone.
4. A two year old can get the lid off of a huge, brand new Costco bottle of shampoo, and dump it all down the drain without making a single sound.
5. Your child who will always eat ANYTHING will suddenly decide that lasagna is "yucky" while you are visiting your inlaws, and your MIL has spent the entire day making homemade lasagna.
6. If you decide to go ahead and get the really expensive front row seats for the circus, so your two year old can see everything up close, he will fall asleep in the first ten minutes, and miss the whole thing.
7. No matter where you hide your make up, it will never be safe from your toddler.
8. Two year old girls believe that mascara goes directly on their cheeks, eyeliner on their lips, and lipstick is to be firmly twisted inside the cap.
9. It is possible to get nail polish out of hair.
10. The worse the word your child has learned, the more likely he is to use it during a quiet moment in church. (In my defense, he learned the word from a neighbor and made up a little song with it. Sang it in church, he did)
11. Macaroni is flammable.
12. As soon as you take your sick, feverish, limp and listless child to the doctor, the fever will disappear, and the child will run around the waiting room at full speed.
13. Even if you are positive that your baby does not know how to drink from a straw, they will figure it out if you let them chew on the straw in your Diet Coke, and you won't notice until almost half of it is gone.
14. Caffeine will keep babies awake.
15. WD 40 removes crayon from walls.
16. Tape will not fix broken crayons.
17. Tape will not fix broken crackers.
18. A toddler does not understand that tape will not fix broken crayons or crackers.
19. You will always be out of tape.
20. Babies do not like it when you are wearing a clean shirt.
21. A child can survive indefinitely eating nothing but mac-n-cheese.
22. If a child leans on the screen door long enough, it WILL break, and you will spend the next 3 hours in the emergency room getting his chin stitched up.
23. If you leave a toddler alone just long enough to go to the bathroom, he will climb on the kitchen table, and fall off, and you will spent the next two hours going to the doctor to get the gash in his ear glued back together.
24. If you have toys scattered all over the floor, and you buy a nice toybox to put all the toys in, the kids will take all the toys out of the toybox and scatter them on the floor, so they can play IN the toybox.
25. Even if you feed your kids a full seven course meal right before you take them to grandma's house, as soon as they walk in the door, they will be hungry.
26. Grandma will always feed the kids anything they want.
27. Even though the diaper box says "Up to 10 pounds" the diaper won't really hold that much poop.
28. It's not a good idea to wash disposable diapers.
29. If you do accidentally wash a disposable diaper, it takes forever to get all of the little gel pieces off of the clothes, and out of the washer.
30. Polly Pocket shoes are edible.
31. Bananas don't flush.
32. Polly Pocket clothes do.
33. Toothbrushes flush just far enough that you can't reach in and pull them out, but not so far that they won't cause the toilet to clog.
34. It costs over $200.00 for a plumber to come in and remove two toilets from the floor, and retrieve the toothbrushes.
35. Toddlers don't really care where a toothbrush has been.
36. A sequin can make it all the way through a child's digestive system.
37. Even if a child swears that they have no homework, they usually do.
38. If you think that a child might have homework, look in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, or under the cushions on the couch, you will probably find it there.
39. Spend the extra money for the leather seats in your car. It's so much easier to clean up if you have kids who are prone to carsickness.
40. Always travel with a bucket, a roll of paper towels, and a can of Lysol.
41. If you give your children Benadryl because your doctor recommends it for carsickness, it will just make them throw up purple.
42. Apparently, I don't know anything.
43. A twelve year old boy can eat an entire pizza.
44. It's always my fault when someone can't find their shoes.
45. Children really like to play with the controls on the refrigerator, so your lettuce will always be frozen.
46. After your child gets himself a popcicle always check the freezer in the garage to make sure the door is closed so it won't stay open all night, and you lose a freezer full of frozen food.
47. You will never know where all of your pens are.
48. While potty training, a child can sit on the potty for an hour and nothing will happen until 5 minutes after you put a diaper back on him.
49. Floods happen.
50. Butter isn't just for eating.
51. A toddler considers themselves fully dressed if they are wearing nothing but a hat, gloves and cowboy boots.
52. Toddlers like to undress themselves pretty much anywhere.
53. It is possible for a four year old to trash your internet off of your computer.
54. Four year olds think it's funny to watch mommy scream because they have trashed the internet from the computer.
55. Computer passwords are a good thing.
56. Kid's safety scissors can cut more than you might think.
57. Never leave any important documents where a toddler can get to them.
58. Toddlers love paper shredders.
59. No matter how many times you put your books away in the bookshelves, five minutes later, they will be all over the floor.
60. If you just got new tile, and you haven't sealed the grout yet, and a child gets tired of his grape popcicle, and puts it in a cup, the popcicle will melt, the cup will spill onto the unsealed grout, and it will leave a stain.
61. No matter what I have learned from having my kids, I wouldn't trade them for anything!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
3. When updating your status, be sure to be as cryptic as possible. The less that your friends understand your status update, the more likely they are to leave multiple comments, and text you to see what's going on.
Remember, it's all about the attention you can get.
4. It is required that you have frequent conversations on FB with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be as sickeningly sweet as possible. For example:
Your status: (Insert name) Loves her/his sweetheart XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
comment: (Insert name of BF/GF) I love u 2!!
you: cant wate 2 c u!
comment: (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) kiss kiss kiss!!!
5. Be sure to keep up with your relationship status on an hourly basis, going from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to back to "in a relationship" and back to "single" multiple times a day."
6. At least once a week, post about how much you hate your life, so your friends will comment on how great you are.
7. Friends. Remember, the goal of Facebook is to collect as many friends as possible. It doesn't matter if you really know the people on your friends list, it's the number that matters. The more the better.
Besides, with all of the personal information that you are posting, don't you want as many people as possible to know about it?
8. Quizzes and videos, link to as many as possible! (Virusus, shmirusus, clicking on random links has never been absolutely proven to cause a virus to infect your computer)
9. Be sure to let everyone know where you are and where you are going at all times!
10. Spelling. It doesn't really matter how you spell stuff. Words such at "their, they're and there are all very interchangeable.
11. It's quite acceptable to have private conversations with your friends on Facebook. Remember, even though whatever you write is posted to your wall, it doesn't always mean that the person from school that you are talking about will ever see it, right?
Good luck young teenager! Also remember to post and tag the most embarrassing pictures of your friends that you can find!!
(I'm pretty sure that college admittance committees, future employers and parents will never see anything you have posted on Facebook)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Contest winner!! And the new business I am starting so my kids will have something to do this summer besides play the Wii
ONE HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH!!!!
The winner is M-cat who guessed
"A stale pb&j from 2007 that now resembles more like mold with some brown and purple mixed in. "
Even though she didn't guess the correct kind of sandwich, she did mention mold, so she is the winner!!
I'm so glad I thought of this contest, at first I was just going to glue googly eyes on the furry sandwich and sell it on eBay as some exotic pet, but after the overwhelming response I received* it gave me an idea for a new business!
I will send moldy food to anyone you would like! (or dislike, as the case may be)
I figure this is a win/win thing for me because I haven't cleaned out my refrigerator for a while, and my kids need something to do this summer. What better thing than to have them clean all of the leftovers out of the fridge, gift wrap them and package them up to be shipped to unsuspecting people!
You have several different options for shipping.
FedEx overnight/second or third day delivery - for emergencies
USPS priority/or flat rate box - not as much of an emergency, but the best value for your dollar. (Those flat rate boxes will ship up to 70 lbs for one low price!!**)
Slow boat to China - When it doesn't need to be there immediately, but the extra time will allow it to become even more disgusting.
You know that co-worker who annoys you, send them a slice of what is almost still distinguishable as lasagna!
Or the person who gossiped about you, send them a bag of liquefied lettuce!
The neighbor who's stupid dog barks all night long? Send them a package of moldy hot dogs!!***
Just think of the possibilities if you could just learn the address of that guy that cut you off on the freeway!!
Act now, and send in an order before all of the good stuff is taken!!!!!
My kids are going to love this idea!****
**I know that you do need to declare if you are shipping hazardous substances, I'm not really sure how you would classify moldy food.
***Allow up to three weeks for special orders.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
If you can guess what it is and how long it's been there you'll win!!!!!!
The winner will receive the object, gift wrapped and sent to the enemy of their choice.
Leave your guesses in the comments.
I will also answer yes or no questions in the comments :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Max is not a morning person (a trait he inherited from me) and I stood him up on the floor, holding on to him until his eyes opened a bit, and he stopped swaying.
"I'm awake mom" he croaked, then stumbled off to the bathroom.
I went back downstairs to wake up the other kids again (apparently they aren't morning people either) and when I came upstairs, Max was sitting on his bedroom floor, staring into space.
"Are you playing with your blocks instead of getting dressed?" I asked.
"No!" he growled, jumping up and grabbing his school pants.
Ten minutes later, I went back into his room to check on his progress.
He was now wearing pants, and holding a shirt.
When I came back ten minutes later, his shirt was on and he was holding one of his tennis shoes.
"I can't find the other shoe!"
I helped him look all over his floor, behind his door (a favorite hiding place for his shoes) and under the blankets on his bed. (9 times out of 10 this is where we find his shoes) (seriously)
We couldn't find his other shoe.
I sent him to the kitchen to start eating his freshly toasted frozen waffle, and I continued to look for his other shoe.
Logically, I thought that it would probably be somewhere near the place where he found the other shoe, I looked under all of his block piles, behind the door again, in between all of his stuffed animals.......
I even looked under his pillow (remembering that time when I was Max's age and didn't want to go to school, so I hid my shoes under my pillow)
The shoe was nowhere to be found!
The time was getting late, so I grabbed his church shoes and brought them out to the kitchen.
"Sorry Max, I couldn't find your other shoe, you'll have to wear these."
"BUT NONE OF THE OTHER KIDS WEAR THEIR CHURCH SHOES TO SCHOOL!!"
The shoes are brown, and perfectly acceptable to wear to school. I pointed this out to him as I removed his one tennis shoe.
I looked up to see his arms folded across his chest in defiance, and he was wearing his angry eyes.
He refused to put the shoes on, so I put them on his feet for him. He spread his toes as wide as he could, just to make it as difficult as possible.
Fortunately, after raising his older brother, I knew how to deal with the uncooperative toes and still managed to get the shoes on, with Max giving me the evil eye the entire time.
"Oh yeah!" he growled "well then I just won't eat!" and he refused to eat any more of the waffle.
I guess he showed me.
And then I put his jacket on him, handed him his backpack, and he walked to the car...........very slowly........
Because, apparently, church shoes are incapable of moving as fast as tennis shoes.
When he gets home, I'm going to tell him that Naughty Bird ate his shoe.
* OK, CJ woke me up first so I could take him to school at 7:00, otherwise I would probably still be sleeping.....
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
He wiped off his mouth and said "OK mom, let's try it again!"
He tried to kiss my cheek, but again, I quickly turned my head and kissed his lips.
Frustrated, he said "Again, try it again!"
The third time, he was a little quicker, and I kissed his chin, then he said "OK, score for level 1, mom, 200, Max 100. Begin level 2, double points, and GO!"
Saturday, April 30, 2011
I wouldn't have even known it, until I got a little suggestion that I add someone to my friends list, that was already on my friend list.
I laughed when I saw this, because, seriously, she's already on my friend list, and we've been friends IRL since first grade!
So, I clicked on her profile link, and I no longer have access to all of her information.
"This is strange" I thought "It must be some mistake!"
I looked at her friend list and I was not there!
It's true, I have been officially defriended.
Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? Was it because I continually ignored her requests to join her in Farmville, Mafia wars and all of the other games she invited me to play?
Was it because I never clicked on the link to find out what questions she answered about me?
Was it because I didn't come to her (fill in any multi-level-marketing company) party when she advertized it on Facebook and begged everyone to attend?
Was it because I never included a profile picture of myself, so she just had to look at that creepy sillouette whenever I made a comment?
What would make a person purposely eliminate someone from their list of friends.
I was rather perplexed.
I decided that she probably just left her computer logged on to Facebook, and her cat defriended me.
Then other friends from my list started appearing in the "friend suggestions" page on Facebook. Three of them to be exact, and I'm pretty sure that at least one of them does not have a cat, (and I doubt that dogs have that kind of dexterity)
Now I'm wondering what is the proper protocol for this type of situation. Here are my ideas.
1) Act completely oblivious to the fact that they have purposley eliminated me from thier friend list, and send a friend request to them. (multiple times if necessary)
2) Sit in front of the computer, staring at the friend list that I'm not on, and feel bad.
3) Go out for ice cream.
Your suggestions (and friend requests) would be appreciated.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The event which caused me to realize that I should never again consult my five year old son for fashion advice
He is able to memorize and recall many things. This would be a skill that would prove to be rather useful in school, unfortunately, Max prefers to use this talent to memorize lines from his favorite movies. (sometimes it seems like he memorizes the whole movie....)
Last week I needed to go shopping to find a dress for a semi formal event that I will be attending. Now let me tell you that Max HATES shopping. If we have been in a store more than five minutes, he begins to whine....."Mommmmmm!* You're taking too long!"** Then proceeds to drag himself around behind me, making himself look as miserable as possible.
You get the picture.
I knew that I would need to take Max with me to the dress store, so before we went, I stopped to get Max his favorite lunch at McDonalds. He ate all of his food, and seemed quite happy. He hardly even flinched when I told him that we were going dress shopping.
As we were walking into the store I heard him mumbling "Can we order a pizza? No, you just ate lunch. Can we get stuffed crust? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH! Stuffed crust!"
I was about to tell him that I wasn't going to get him a pizza because he had just eaten lunch, but then I realized that he was reciting a scene from his current favorite movie "Despicable me"
I didn't think much of it, and we continued through the store, grabbing an armful of dresses for me to try on, with Max following behind me, whining about the fact that I was "taking too long, why are you taking so long mom? We've been here for-ev-errrrrrr!" then throwing in a few random scenes from the movie. I finally decided I was ready to go to the fitting rooms.
Max is too old to go inside the room with me, but too young to be left outside, so I took him in the fitting room, and he decided just to turn around and keep his nose in the corner while I was changing.
I tried on several dresses, but I didn't really like any of them. I finally tried one on that I liked, but it was a little tight. I asked Max "Hey buddy, what do you think? Does this dress look nice?"
Max turned around and looked at me. He paused, then he lifted his eyebrows, tilted his head and smiled so I thought he was going to say I looked nice, or that he liked the dress, and he said........
"OOOOOOOOHHHH! Stuffed crust!!"
*I've always been amazed at how Max can take the one syllable word "Mom" and turn it into 3 or 4 syllables.
**Max has not yet learned his father's technique to put a quick end to a miserable shopping trip. All he has to do is say "Just buy both of them*** and let's go."
***This works wonderfully for ME when I can't decide between two pairs of shoes, two purses, two dresses, two coats..........
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
As we were driving home in the storm Max says "I have 200 reasons why I don't like snow......
#1. Because it's cold.
#2. I don't like it.
#3. I don't like it.
#4. I don't like it.
#5. I don't like it.
#6. I don't like it.
#7. I don't like it.
And the rest are "I don't like it."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
He said that you really don't need to do that because everyone is carrying a speaker with them at all times!
Naturally I was intrigued, so I continued listening.
Apparently, if you take the ear buds from your iPod, and shove each one up one of your nostrils, then open your mouth and close off your throat, like you're swallowing, the sound bounces around in your nasal cavity and is amplified as it comes out of your mouth!
Yes, I know that you are thinking "Wow! That is the coolest thing I've ever heard of!" (You're certainly NOT thinking that you would look strange and be uncomfortable)
Naturally, I mentioned this to my kids, and naturally, they decided to try this.
It really worked.
Now, it wasn't really loud, or at least not nearly as loud as my kids can be on their own, however, it was really funny to see Aaron with his earbuds (I refused to let him use mine) shoved up his nose, and music coming out of his mouth.
It also looked strange and uncomfortable.
Several hours later he came up to me and was complaining that his nose hurt and he couldn't figure out why........
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
What is that you might ask?
It's when all of the people who lurk (read but don't comment) are encouraged to leave a comment.
Last year on this day, I had some of the best comments ever!
I also used my stat counter to get information to call out one of my readers who never commented. (I may have mentioned where they lived and their occupation) They commented, but have never been back.
To this person, I apologize, I didn't mean to drive you away. (not that they will see this, because as mentioned before, they haven't been back) (sigh)
Last year was so fun because I encouraged everyone to leave a comment as their favorite famous person! (Mostly so it would look like famous people were reading my blog)
I also suggested that if you couldn't think of anything to say, to just leave a really random comment such as......
"The moldy bird flies at midnight"
"Purple porcupines with rabies attack me in my sleep!"
"Target hates me!!"
Some of my favorite comments were;
Sarah Palin said...
WOW! You are amazingly funny! Your so lucky you have such creative kids. The crazy imagination leads to wonderful stories and memories. ~~~~In the 1800's, 'pants' was a dirty word in England
Barack Obama said...
I wanted to say that you have a fine blog, a bold blog, that tells the world what fine people Americans are. You are an outstanding example of the kind of person we should all seek to be. This is why I'm giving you my Nobel Peace Prize. You are that important.
George of the Jungle said...
You make me laugh. Max makes me laugh more.---It is against the law in Georgia to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. So what am I supposed to tie the giraffe to, I ask you?
Anderson Cooper said...
The dolphin is in the washing machine, I repeat, the dolphin is in the washing machine.
To whoever left that Anderson Cooper comment, just so you know, "The dolphin is in the washing machine" has become a favorite phrase at our house.
What can I say, we're a little strange around here.
Back to the whole de-lurking thing, leave a random comment as your favorite (or least favorite) famous person.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The children have come up with a new game of their own! This seems to be their favorite game, and if I had known earlier how well they played this game and how much they enjoy this game, we might not have bothered with the Wii.
What game is this you ask? I will tell you that it requires much skill, a steady hand and an eye for balancing things.
It is the ever popular game called The Stacking Game!
I'm sure you are just dying to know how to play this game aren't you?
Well, here's how to play!!!
The object of the game is to see how much garbage can be stacked in the garbage can and/or how many dirty dishes can be stacked in the sink before someone else takes out the garbage and/or loads the dishwasher!!
Hours and hours of fun for all!!!
I have to admit that at times it can be quite suspenseful, watching the garbage bag stretch almost to the point of breaking, and seeing the precariously placed glass on top of the stack of tupperware, wondering what the last item placed on the pile will be to finally make it topple.......
I am amazed at how good the offspring are at playing this particular game!
There's got to be some sort of career out there where they can use this amazing skill. Someday I hope it will make them all rich and/or famous!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
This year, I didn't make any fudge, nor did we get any treats from the neighbors, and I gained 5 pounds.
If tomorrow, I make 10 pounds of fudge, give away 8 pounds to the neighbors, will I lose 2 pounds, or will the neighbors just think I'm strange?
Or, if I make 15 pounds of fudge, give away 12, will I gain 3 pounds, have the neighbors think I'm strange and spend the next few weeks on the treadmill while watching re-runs of The Biggest Loser.
Or, should I just get myself a big bowl of ice cream (with homemade fudge sauce) sit in my comfortable chair and eat it while watching The Biggest Loser.
Will Jillian scream at me through my television?
If I sent her 15 pounds of fudge, would she shut up?
What do you think?