Tuesday, June 3, 2008

To tell the truth?

Have you ever lied to your kids?

I don't mean great big huge lies, just the little ones that will sometimes help you from completely losing your sanity. Lies that can sometimes just make your life a little bit easier, or even just more entertaining.

Lies like...........

If you're nice to your brother, he'll stop hitting you.

I have no idea what happened to your Halloween candy.

Stop that or I will sell you to the gypsies.

I have no idea what happened to your Easter candy.

Keep doing that, and I will sell you on eBay.

I have no idea what happened to your chocolate Santa.

If you pick your nose, you could break your finger.

If you don't shape up, your father and I will dress up in funny costumes and come to school and do a funny dance for your class.

Santa called and said to stop fighting, or he's coming back to take away your toys.

The computer can smell. It knows if you haven't taken a bath, and it won't turn on.

The motion sensor on our security alarm system is also programmed to detect whether or not you are doing your homework, and if you aren't, it shoots a laser beam at your head.

I have absolutely no idea where all of your Happy Meal toys went.

Zuchinni tastes like chocolate.

When Aaron was three, he was fascinated with toilets. He is a very inquisitive child, and loved to see how they worked. Being the "hands on" type of learner, he tried many experiments with what you could do with the toilet, more specifically he really enjoyed playing the game "Will it flush?"

Aaron discovered that there were three different categories of items that could be flushed.

Category #1. Things that WILL flush.
These include;

Polly pocket shoes and clothes
Toothpaste lids
Small candies (Smarties, m&ms ect.)
Small crayons

Eventually, he grew tired of all the small stuff, and moved on to bigger and better things (literally)

He discovered category #2. Things that WON'T flush down the toilet,
such as;

A new roll of toilet paper
Inflated balloons
Small basketball
A Banana*

*I think that if these had been angled differently, they very well might have flushed, but as it turned out, we were just darn lucky that they didn't.

Then there was the third category of items. His favorite.

Category #3. Things that flush partially, but not quite all the way, getting stuck just far enough down that some ultra brave adult wearing rubber gloves can't reach it, but not far enough down that it doesn't create a huge clog resulting in a flooded bathroom every time the toilet is flushed.

These items included;

The lid from the liquid soap dispenser, with the pump still attached.

These were the items that were found in the toilet the time we spent a fortune to have the plumber remove both of our toilets to fix the clogs. (One toilet had 3 soap dispenser lids stuck inside.)

Not too long after this incident, I bought the kids new toothbrushes. After they opened the packages, I noticed that there were only two packages sitting on the counter for me to throw away. Aaron's was the one missing.
So I asked him "Aaron, where did you put the package that your toothbrush came in?"
Aaron replied "I frew it away."
This was one of those hard plastic packages that was just large enough to hold the toothbrush. I looked in the garbage can, and couldn't see the package.

I had a bad feeling.

"Aaron, where did you throw it away?"
He said "I fwushed it."


The next few days, the toilet began to have problems. We really didn't want to call the plumber again. We knew all too well what he would charge us to fix the problem, and also, I was afraid he would tease us.

One morning, my DH had had enough. This was our upstairs bathroom, the one by all the bedrooms, and it was quite a pain to have to go downstairs any time you had the need to use the facilities.
DH put on a rubber glove, and reached inside to see if he could find it. He grabbed the toothbrush wrapper, and removed it from the toilet.

We rejoiced!

That afternoon, on my way to pick up Aaron from preschool, I had, what I then thought, was a sneaky idea that might keep him from flushing random objects. I was going to give him a different story of how the toilet got fixed.
When Aaron got in the car, I told him "The plumber came by today and fixed the toilet. We had to give him all of our money to get it fixed, and so now we don't have any money left to buy you any candy or other treats."

I was hoping that if I could make the connection in his brain about "flushing non flushable objects=no treats" that he might actually think twice before doing that again.

Aaron was silent until a few minutes later when he asked "What did he look like?"
Me: "What did who look like?"
Aaron: "The pwummer!"
Me: "Well...........he was not very tall.............he had a mustache............"
Aaron: "Oh, like uncle J?"
Me: "Um...........yeah, like uncle J.''
Aaron: "What was he wearing?''
Me: "Some sort of blue uniform. I think. Maybe."
Aaron: "What was his name?"
Me: "Ummmmmm.............Bob?"
Aaron: "What color was his truck?"
Me: "Blue, I'm pretty sure it was blue."

That seemed to satisfy him, and he was quiet for the rest of the ride.
I had all but forgotten about the conversation by the time we got home, and Aaron jumped out of the car and quickly ran upstairs.
Several minutes passed, when Aaron walked down the stairs, carefully looking at each one.
He then came up to me and very indignantly said "I don't see his footprints."
Me: "Who's footprints?"
Aaron: "The pwummers!"
Me: "Oh........... I vacuumed after he left."

Aaron then went and looked at the stairs again and asked "Then why don't I see any vacuum tracks?"

Sometimes, you just can't win.

I am happy to report, that nearly five years later, Aaron has pretty much (as far as I can tell) stopped flushing things down the toilet for fun.
The ironic part is, that now, we can't seem to get him to flush it at all.
But that's a story for another time.


b. said...

So Funny!!

Can I borrow a couple of those lies?

Lynners said...

You're pretty funny. I found you through my sister's blog. To flush or not to flush? To lift or not to aim? Those are the joys of boyhood.

Jen said...

My sister tried to help clean the bathroom when she was two by putting her blankie in the toilet and washing everything in the bathroom with it. What is the irresistible fascination?

Tausha said...

those are not lies! They are the words that we as parents tell our children so we can handle them! Not LIES! The plumer story-too funny! My girls would never try to do this. I feel lucky this way. BUt, if i told them all the plummer story-my 3 would have a dramatic fit because she didn't get to see him or she didn't get to vacuum the floor. Something darmaticly dumb! So i guess we all have our own children that do weird things. I guess they do that just to keep us on our toes! dang kids!

Jo said...

Geez, that kid needs to work for CSI!!!
We have plumber dudes at our place right now, trying to figure out why the toilet keeps clogging. ARGH!
And by the way, the selling to the gypsies is NOT a lie. I tell you, the second I see gypsies, my kids are GONE!!!

Maraiya said...

How is selling them to the gypsies a lie? As soon as I see one, they will be gone! Unless, in that moment, they are being uber adorable! Is it my fault my kids have excellent timing? That doesn't make me a liar....

Maraiya said...

Totally agree with Jo's CSI comment. Seriously, I'm a little concerned that you have such a thoughtful thinker.

Jessica G. said...

And they never suspect that dear, beloved Mother was the one that ate their chocolate! So naive...

We haven't had the flushing problems around here but I've read about them enough on other blogs to fear for the safety of my bathroom (and the ceiling below).

Leah said...

my kids always wanted to flush down large quantities of TP at a single time (like, an entire roll, unraveled into the toilet, and then flushed) when they were two-ish and under. After that, we're in the same boat as you as having problems remember to flush at all. I just love walking into the bathroom to find PRESENTS in the toilet... ugh

Bonnie said...

You need to add camaras and tennis balls to the list of unflushable items. Oh, also new bars of soap.
Yes, I am serious.
You crack me up and I sometimes think we live at the same house. It's just that your children are smarter than mine.

Good & Crazy said...

Are you saying YOU ate the candy? Because now when my kids ask...I'm telling them it was you.

Oh...toilet stories. Always entertaining eh? Tell me he has kept the inquisitive part of himself and moved on to better experiments?

How funny.

utmomof5 said...

I love the candy lies! I have never sone that. ;)

Thanks goodness we have never had a flusher in our house!

Hey It's Di said...

Thanks for making me laugh! I have used many of those (or similar) lies. . er fibs with my kids also. And DEFINITELY on the candy related ones:) I think as they have grown up more they have caught on to my crazy candy habits and know where their stuff is going!

Hey It's Di said...

P.S. Who would try to flush candy down the toilet? You wouldn't catch me doing that and in fact I would possibly try to retrieve it:D

joolee said...

Your lies are right on! I've been feeling guilty for telling my 3 year old princess that if she doesn't stop sucking her thumb, her teeth will stick out. And everyone knows you can't be a princess with sticking out teeth.

Pappy Yokum said...

Several others have questioned the definition of lies and I have to agree - I have never told my kids lies, juuuussst little deviations from truth in order to help them protect their little hides. Yeah, that's it.

Aaron would have put Columbo to shame...

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Plastic roll-on deodorant containers - not the small cylindrical ones, but the rounded rectangular ones - go down just far enough to necessitate a plumber visit.

Also, it is not necessarily the expensive objects (like, say, cellphones) which will clog the toilet. We had to replace ours because of a stinking 25-cent tub toy.

I believe if you google "Destrolet," you will find the super-duper flusher. It may take 8 golfballs, but let me tell you - it couldn't handle the foil-wrapped package of granola bars. Our plumber was stunned. He never teased us though. He loved us. He made so much money off us that year.

And my Rachel had a different trick - she would place her chosen victim just far enough back inside the toilet that no one could see it - but she wouldn't flush. Then, someone would come in, use the toilet, and flush - thereby making the subsequent clean-up incredibly gross. So we got in the habit of sticking our hands down into the toilet every single time before someone used it, just to make sure things would work right. It was insane. Oh, and all our other kids developed a fear of flushing.

At about this time, we took her for immunizations. So I told her that she had to get the shots because the doctor was worried that she could get very sick from sticking her hand in the toilet. So you know what she did? She started donning a rubber dishwashing glove to perpetrate her dastardly deeds.
Problem solved! In her mind, anyway...

All of this happened while we were watching her like a hawk. With motion sensors on the bathroom doors...

Davis Family said...

I see nothing wrong with "bending the truth" to stop the constant curiousity questions of a 3 year old.

As far as the toilet thing goes, did he ever go pull out un-flushed, used toilet paper (thanks to 2 year old potty trainee) from the toilet and take a bath in it and "wash" the bathroom floor with it? *Sigh* Toilets are just evil when you have small children.

Canadian flake said...

omggggggg this is absolutely hilarious. I was laughing so hard while reading this that I started to choke and woke up my hubby..lol.

Hope you don't mind that I added your link to my blogroll. I find your posts hilarious and wanted to share your blog with anyone that reads mine. Hope that is ok.

Melissa said...

Lie to my kids? Never. Well, okay, maybe every once in awhile. Um... perhaps a few times. OKAY! I lie to my kids!
I love the story of the flushing... he's a pretty clever kid!!

Lynners said...

I added you to my blog list. I hope that's okay.

Busty LaRue said...

Can I borrow that entire list and save it for when my baby gets old enough to know what I'm telling him?

Loved the plumber story! Kids can be so sharp sometimes, can't they?

ed said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.