Monday, June 6, 2011

A teenager's guide to Facebook

Dear average teenager,
So your parents have finally relented and allowed you to have your own facebook page.

Now that you have joined all of your friends in the online world, there are many things you should know to enhance your social networking experience. Here is a checklist of things that teenagers must use when posting on Facebook.

Item #1 pictures:

Here is a list of pictures that you will be required to post on Facebook. (Should be taken in the bathroom mirror if at all possible)

1. Picture of yourself sticking your lips out like you are trying to imitate a duck. (This may be misinterpreted as making a kissy face, however, I think that "duck lips" is a more accurate description of the appearance one gives while making this face)

A variation of this photo would be to have yourself, along with one or more of your friends making this same face.

You must also include several shots of you (alone and with your friends) making this face and the peace sign at the same time.

Extra points if you are taking this picture with all of you in the bathroom mirror.

2. Picture of you making a funny face. Sneering is the most popular, however sticking out your tongue is a close second.

3. Multiple pictures of you and your friends making funny faces with the camera mere inches from your face. This one might be difficult to do in the bathroom mirror. These photos should be altered with different effects in photoshop and posted with every single effect that you can find. Please post as many of these as possible, because they are awesome.

4. Close up photo of you bending over in a low necked shirt. At least one of these should be taken with "duck lips"

Item #2. Posting:

1. Leave random song lyrics as your status at least 4 times a week.

2. Never spell out entire words. Shorten everything. Never type out the word "you" when "u" gets the point across.

3. When updating your status, be sure to be as cryptic as possible. The less that your friends understand your status update, the more likely they are to leave multiple comments, and text you to see what's going on.
Remember, it's all about the attention you can get.

4. It is required that you have frequent conversations on FB with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be as sickeningly sweet as possible. For example:

Your status: (Insert name) Loves her/his sweetheart XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

comment: (Insert name of BF/GF) I love u 2!!

you: cant wate 2 c u!

comment: (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) kiss kiss kiss!!!

5. Be sure to keep up with your relationship status on an hourly basis, going from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to back to "in a relationship" and back to "single" multiple times a day."

6. At least once a week, post about how much you hate your life, so your friends will comment on how great you are.

7. Friends. Remember, the goal of Facebook is to collect as many friends as possible. It doesn't matter if you really know the people on your friends list, it's the number that matters. The more the better.

Besides, with all of the personal information that you are posting, don't you want as many people as possible to know about it?

8. Quizzes and videos, link to as many as possible! (Virusus, shmirusus, clicking on random links has never been absolutely proven to cause a virus to infect your computer)

9. Be sure to let everyone know where you are and where you are going at all times!

10. Spelling. It doesn't really matter how you spell stuff. Words such at "their, they're and there are all very interchangeable.

11. It's quite acceptable to have private conversations with your friends on Facebook. Remember, even though whatever you write is posted to your wall, it doesn't always mean that the person from school that you are talking about will ever see it, right?

Good luck young teenager! Also remember to post and tag the most embarrassing pictures of your friends that you can find!!

(I'm pretty sure that college admittance committees, future employers and parents will never see anything you have posted on Facebook)


Mum-me said...

I love this post! So funny and spot on! Thanks for understanding, when my teenagee doesn't, why I only accept people I actually "know" as FB friends, and not all of them either!!

Kristina P. said...

When I saw the title, the first thing I thought of was that damn kissy face. Except that I have 30 year-old friends who also do that.

Don't forget doing the kissy face while also flashing the peace sign. And vaguebooking.

mommeeof10 said...

The rules I have for teen children and social networking sites..

Teen child must allow me to be their friend.

Do not post anything that might upset an elderly relative. That includes revealing clothing, rude words or rude gestures.

At anytime that I have determined rules 1 and 2 are not being followed, computer belongs to me until such time that I think they owner has learned a lesson.

Karen said...

I guess I've been doing it wrong all this time.

Erin said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know you are getting old when every Facebook status update you type actually makes sense to anyone who might read it. (Of course, I was vague in my last blog post, so maybe I'm being a teeny bit hypocritical right now.)

LisAway said...

Sometimes I just think it's so unfair that I'm not a teenager anymore. That is SO the world I want to live in.

Staci K. said...

UGH!! The kissy-face!! (I call it fish lips) My 21 year old hasn't taken a photo without fish lips for at least a year. Why can't they see how ridiculous it looks???

Anonymous said...

Came directly from the wave to the bus blog! Just wanted you to know I stopped by. The cookies were a great idea - but we should all proably skip the extra sugar anyway!

Migillicutty said...

Ouch. Glad to hear I'm not a normal teenager. That would be really embarrassing.

Me (aka Danielle) said...

Did you create this list yourself? It's all so 'spot on'!

myimaginaryblog said...

My 11-year-old HATES text talk and misspellings. She has to fight herself not to correct all her friends' communiqu├ęs. Her teen years are going to be hard.

Nicole said...

When I first started reading this post, I almost fell off my chair laughing! Whenever my blog gets up and running may I link to it? I'd love to have my son read it when he gets of age!!! lol :)

Mae Rae said...

This has to be the best Facebook post that I have ever read. I have a 17 year old that is too cool for all of that but a 14 year old that follows your guide to a T.

Melissa said...

I have nieces and nephews who fit this description dead on! You've hit the nail on the head here :)

M-Cat said...

u r crzy! what a gr8 post!!!
so right on <3 you!!

This should be required reading in YM YW entrance exams

Jessica G. said...

Duck lips! But if you're emo, then you're not allowed to show more than one eye at any time.

Ty said...

Haha this is a great post! So true

Mom of 12 said...

My sweetie has absolutely forbidden my kids under the age of 18 to get on Facebook. He is just sure something bad will happen if they do. Thanks for always stopping by my blog!

Omgirl said...

I'm Not sure if it's teenagers (admittedly I know few) or bored house wives, but I get a lot of requests to help people build farms or catch thieves or some other nonsense. I don't even know what that means. I m so not as cool as u r.

Me (aka Danielle) said...

I'm about to violate section 1, under Item #2: Posting...with a song lyric as part of my status. Will I be banned?

(For the record, it has validity..)

tammy said...

This was hilarious! I want to poke my eyes out every time I read my son's wall and see what his friends are posting.