A teenager's guide to Facebook

Dear average teenager,

So your parents have finally relented and allowed you to have your own facebook page.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now that you have joined all of your friends in the online world, there are many things you should know to enhance your social networking experience. Here is a checklist of things that teenagers must use when posting on Facebook.

Item #1 pictures:

Here is a list of pictures that you will be required to post on Facebook. (Should be taken in the bathroom mirror if at all possible)

1. Picture of yourself sticking your lips out like you are trying to imitate a duck. (This may be misinterpreted as making a kissy face, however, I think that "duck lips" is a more accurate description of the appearance one gives while making this face)

A variation of this photo would be to have yourself, along with one or more of your friends making this same face.

You must also include several shots of you (alone and with your friends) making this face and the peace sign at the same time.

Extra points if you are taking this picture with all of you in the bathroom mirror.

2. Picture of you making a funny face. Sneering is the most popular, however sticking out your tongue is a close second.

3. Multiple pictures of you and your friends making funny faces with the camera mere inches from your face. This one might be difficult to do in the bathroom mirror. These photos should be altered with different effects in photoshop and posted with every single effect that you can find. Please post as many of these as possible, because they are awesome.

4. Close up photo of you bending over in a low necked shirt. At least one of these should be taken with "duck lips"

Item #2. Posting:

1. Leave random song lyrics as your status at least 4 times a week.

2. Never spell out entire words. Shorten everything. Never type out the word "you" when "u" gets the point across.

3. When updating your status, be sure to be as cryptic as possible. The less that your friends understand your status update, the more likely they are to leave multiple comments, and text you to see what's going on.
Remember, it's all about the attention you can get.

4. It is required that you have frequent conversations on FB with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be as sickeningly sweet as possible. For example:

Your status: (Insert name) Loves her/his sweetheart XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

comment: (Insert name of BF/GF) I love u 2!!

you: cant wate 2 c u!

comment: (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) kiss kiss kiss!!!

5. Be sure to keep up with your relationship status on an hourly basis, going from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to back to "in a relationship" and back to "single" multiple times a day."

6. At least once a week, post about how much you hate your life, so your friends will comment on how great you are.

7. Friends. Remember, the goal of Facebook is to collect as many friends as possible. It doesn't matter if you really know the people on your friends list, it's the number that matters. The more the better.

Besides, with all of the personal information that you are posting, don't you want as many people as possible to know about it?

8. Quizzes and videos, link to as many as possible! (Virusus, shmirusus, clicking on random links has never been absolutely proven to cause a virus to infect your computer)

9. Be sure to let everyone know where you are and where you are going at all times!

10. Spelling. It doesn't really matter how you spell stuff. Words such at "their, they're and there are all very interchangeable.

11. It's quite acceptable to have private conversations with your friends on Facebook. Remember, even though whatever you write is posted to your wall, it doesn't always mean that the person from school that you are talking about will ever see it, right?

Good luck young teenager! Also remember to post and tag the most embarrassing pictures of your friends that you can find!!

(I'm pretty sure that college admittance committees, future employers and parents will never see anything you have posted on Facebook)