Amazonesia

Amazonesia: A condition where you order so many things from Amazon that when the package arrives, you can't actually remember what you bought.



I picked up Max from school a few days ago and when we got home there was a package on our doorstep. I had ordered a bunch of stuff from Amazon over the weekend, so I wasn't surprised to see the package.
I went to the front  porch and tried to pick up the medium sized package, and it was so heavy! I picked it up and lugged it into the house, wondering what on earth I bought that would weigh that much!


I opened the package and......

Weights. I bought weights.

Look! It's a bird! It's a plane!........... No it's a bunch of donkeys flying around!!

So apparently I kind of miss blogging.

I could go on and on with excuses of the reasons why I haven't written anything on here for such a long time, but nobody wants to read excuses.

Since it's November 1st, I decided I could try for NaBloPoMo.

Yeah, we'll just see how long this lasts. Any guesses?

To start it all off, I think I'll do a top 10 list.

(drumroll please)

Top Ten perfectly believable reasons* why I haven't written a blog post in over a year.


10. Got stuck in a check out line at Wal Mart

9. Abducted by Aliens.

8. I forgot my google password **

7. Got stuck on a level of Angry Birds.

6. Been training to be a cage fighter.

5. I can't get on the computer because the children are always using it for their homework ***

4. Spending all of my time waiting around for the UPS guy to actually deliver a package instead of a nice little note saying that he couldn't deliver the package because I wasn't home to sign for the package even though I was actually home so if he had actually rang the doorbell I might have come to the door and signed the thing so he could leave the package.

3. Obsessing over my stat counter, trying to determine how many people ended up on my blog by doing a search for a picture of a spleen****

2. I just woke up, and all of last year was a dream.

And the number one reason I haven't written a blog post in over a year.............

Netflix.



*Notice how I use the word "reasons" instead of excuses. Reasons are legitimate.
**I blame the aliens for this one
*** And if you replace "homework" with "YouTube videos" or "Pinterest" this one could be rather accurate.
****It's much higher than you might think.



So there you have it my first post in a long while.
I'll be back tomorrow.

Or not.

And I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats..............

 Alternate title:  "Giving in to assimilation"


Several years ago, I wrote a post about technology. I might have likened people using hands free Bluetooth headsets to the Borg from Star Trek.

You have to admit, it's a little scary.

I used to silently (and sometimes not so silently) mock the people who wore these devices in public. 

I thought they looked silly.

 Because, seriously, they had to have those things stuck in their ear all the time, I began to wonder if some of them had actually had these devices surgically installed in their brains.

They were everywhere, the grocery store, restaurants, sporting events, these people were everywhere!

Then my husband decided that I should have one for my phone so my hands would be free so I could talk on the phone while driving or working.

At first I didn't think it would make that much difference, (and I don't get that many calls while in the car anyway) but then I tried the headset.

(choirs of angels singing)

I was immediately converted to the use of this funny looking little gadget, especially when I discovered that I could use it to watch movies and listen to music from my phone. No more getting bored while waiting at the orthodontist or dentist! (or anywhere else)

The best part is that my hair is long enough that it covers the device and no one can see that I'm using it!

Then random people started talking to me out of the blue. Apparently, when people can't see the Bluetooth, they automatically assume that I'm talking to them, which I guess is understandable.....

Then last week my brother called me and handed the phone to his super adorable, newly potty trained 2 1/2 year old daughter. I had a conversation with her while walking into the store. I noticed that people were giving me strange looks and I thought they were being rude.

Until I realized that they were only hearing my side of the conversation.

"Wow! Big girl underwear are awesome! You're such a big girl, using the potty! I'm so proud of you for using the potty! I think daddy should give you a treat for being such a big girl!" 

Perhaps I shall start wearing my hair in a ponytail.

Wearing red high heels doesn't automatically make you patriotic

This post should have been written several weeks ago, but it wasn't so just deal with it :)

On the fourth of July, we took the kids to a local minor league baseball game because they were going to have fireworks at the end of the game, and it had been a while since we had taken the kids to see fireworks (other than the ones we would do in our driveway)

We had some pretty good seats, front row, just behind the visiting team's bullpen. We sat and enjoyed most of the game, the weather was perfect, the kettle corn delicious, and the home team was winning.

Around the end of the 6th inning a couple walked toward us. The girl was wobbling along in super high red heels, denim daisy duke shorts and a super tight tank top. She stopped in front of us, put one hand on her hip and wiggled two fake fingernail-tipped fingers at me and Max, and said "WE are sitting there!"

I thought this was really strange, because, obviously, I was sitting there and so was Max, while she was standing in front of us with a really big attitude.....

Her date leaned toward her and said, "No, we're on the row behind them."

She pulled a face and then strutted past us.

Her date looked quite embarrassed and apologized to us as he followed her.

She sat in the seat directly behind us and her date told her that she needed to slide one more seat over. "WHY, aren't these our seats either?" the lady sitting next to her had her toddler daughter on her lap and said "Actually, that's our seat, but she probably won't be sitting in it, she wants to sit on my lap, so you can stay there if you want"

The girl (we'll call her "Ditsy") then made a very loud comment about how stupid the music was, because back when she worked at this ball park as a teenager, they only played awesome music.

Ditsy then told her date that she needed a beer. He said "We just sat down, I'll go get you one when this inning is over." The lady on the other side of them overheard this and told them that they usually stopped selling beer after the seventh inning, so they might want to go get it now.

For the next half inning, the game was quite enjoyable, without the running commentary of Ditsy, however, when they came back, it started up again.

"Here, she said to the lady next to them, I hope you like Budweiser!" and she thrust a large glass of beer toward her.

"Oh........ummmm...I don't drink."

Ditsy turned to her date and said "SEE! I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T DRINK!" then she sat down and proceeded to start drinking her beer.

The non drinking lady next to her turned out to be quite a loyal fan of the home team. She was able to tell us all about the players and kept Ditsy informed on all the rules of the game.

(which seemed strange to me since she had worked there for several years as a teenager, in fact, to hear Ditsy tell about that time, she practically ran the place)

Just then, a foul ball was hit in our direction.

"OH LOOK!" yelled Ditsy "It's a FLY BALL!"

"Actually" said Baseball fan lady (from now on referred to as BFL)"It's a foul ball"

"Fly ball, foul ball, same thing!"

"No" corrected BFL "They are not the same thing, a foul ball is when it goes out of bounds and is out of play."

Ditsy (who has now finished about half of her beer) says "Whatever...." then she says "You know, I really HATE BASEBALL! It's so boring, I never liked watching the games when I worked here."

Just then, a batter hit a line drive to the pitcher, who threw the ball to first base, and the batter was out.

The crowd cheered and Ditsy needed to know what happened. BFL said "They threw him out at first!"

'WHAT? THEY THREW MUD ON FIRST? WHY WOULD THEY THROW MUD ON FIRST? THAT'S STUPID!"

BFL then had to explain to her what happened, and that the batter was now out and would no longer be running around the bases, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Since we were sitting right by the visiting team's bullpen, we were able to watch the pitcher warming up. He was doing various stretches and Ditsy said "WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING WITH HIS ARMS?

BFL then had to explain to her about how he was warming up his muscles so he could throw the ball better and have a lower chance of injury, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

BFL continued conversations with Ditsy, explaining to her everything that was happening and at one point after a certain exciting play, Ditsy was screaming "What happened? What happened?" and after BFL explained it to her she said "That's why I HATE BASEBALL because the ball goes so fast I can't see where it's going!"

Then Ditsy started to talk about herself "I'm just finishing up my degree in public relations!" she excitedly told BFL who asked her what kind of work she planned on doing after graduating. "Well." said Ditsy "Believe it or not, I'm thinking about going to LAW SCHOOL!"

Then turning back to the game she said "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Finally, the end of the game came, (along with the end of Ditsy's beer, and I suspect a good amount of the extra beer...) the home team won, and everyone in the general admission seats in the grass on the other side of the outfield needed to move onto the playing field because the fireworks were being launched too close to where they were sitting. This took quite a while to get everyone moved, and Ditsy spent the whole time rambling on about herself.

When everyone was seated safely on the field and the lights went out for the fireworks, Ditsy leaned over to her date and loudly whispered "I HAVE TO PEE!" He said "The fireworks are starting now, can't you wait until they're over? (Obviously, they had only come for the fireworks, there's no way they came to watch the game because remember, she HATES BASEBALL)

"HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THEM TO BE OVER?" She asked her date.

BFL leaned over and said "They put on one of the best firework displays in the city, it could be 30-40 minutes long."

"I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" Ditsy said, then proceeded to climb over the family next to them and teeter up the stairs, going as fast as she could with her knees stuck together, just as the fireworks were starting.

She wasn't gone long (or at least long enough.......) and returned to her seat and grabbed the glass with the remaining beer in it.

She watched the fireworks and continued to drink the beer, and then started using some rather foul language, which could still be heard quite clearly over the loud booms of the fireworks (fortunately, after the first firework, Max climbed into my lap, closed his eyes and covered his ears and missed her language)

The lady with the toddler must have glared at her because then I heard Ditsy say "IF YOU WANT US TO BE QUIET, JUST TELL US! DON'T KEEP LOOKING AT US! WE DON'T HAVE KIDS!"

I have no idea what not having kids had to do with anything, but I guess it seemed like an important point to Ditsy, who then continued with her profane language.

The young mom must have looked at her again because then Ditsy said.....

"STOP LOOKING AT US! IF YOU LOOK AT US AGAIN I'M GOING TO THROW BEER IN YOUR FACE!!! DO YOU WANT BEER IN YOUR FACE? LOOK AT US AGAIN AND I'LL THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!!

Nobody dared look at her after that.

The fireworks ended, and everyone cleared out of the stands.

When we left, I saw Ditsy waiting for her date, outside of the men's restroom, chugging what was left of the beer.

I only hope she didn't drive home.....

A teenager's guide to Facebook

Dear average teenager,

So your parents have finally relented and allowed you to have your own facebook page.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now that you have joined all of your friends in the online world, there are many things you should know to enhance your social networking experience. Here is a checklist of things that teenagers must use when posting on Facebook.

Item #1 pictures:

Here is a list of pictures that you will be required to post on Facebook. (Should be taken in the bathroom mirror if at all possible)

1. Picture of yourself sticking your lips out like you are trying to imitate a duck. (This may be misinterpreted as making a kissy face, however, I think that "duck lips" is a more accurate description of the appearance one gives while making this face)

A variation of this photo would be to have yourself, along with one or more of your friends making this same face.

You must also include several shots of you (alone and with your friends) making this face and the peace sign at the same time.

Extra points if you are taking this picture with all of you in the bathroom mirror.

2. Picture of you making a funny face. Sneering is the most popular, however sticking out your tongue is a close second.

3. Multiple pictures of you and your friends making funny faces with the camera mere inches from your face. This one might be difficult to do in the bathroom mirror. These photos should be altered with different effects in photoshop and posted with every single effect that you can find. Please post as many of these as possible, because they are awesome.

4. Close up photo of you bending over in a low necked shirt. At least one of these should be taken with "duck lips"

Item #2. Posting:

1. Leave random song lyrics as your status at least 4 times a week.

2. Never spell out entire words. Shorten everything. Never type out the word "you" when "u" gets the point across.

3. When updating your status, be sure to be as cryptic as possible. The less that your friends understand your status update, the more likely they are to leave multiple comments, and text you to see what's going on.
Remember, it's all about the attention you can get.

4. It is required that you have frequent conversations on FB with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be as sickeningly sweet as possible. For example:

Your status: (Insert name) Loves her/his sweetheart XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

comment: (Insert name of BF/GF) I love u 2!!

you: cant wate 2 c u!

comment: (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) kiss kiss kiss!!!

5. Be sure to keep up with your relationship status on an hourly basis, going from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to back to "in a relationship" and back to "single" multiple times a day."

6. At least once a week, post about how much you hate your life, so your friends will comment on how great you are.

7. Friends. Remember, the goal of Facebook is to collect as many friends as possible. It doesn't matter if you really know the people on your friends list, it's the number that matters. The more the better.

Besides, with all of the personal information that you are posting, don't you want as many people as possible to know about it?

8. Quizzes and videos, link to as many as possible! (Virusus, shmirusus, clicking on random links has never been absolutely proven to cause a virus to infect your computer)

9. Be sure to let everyone know where you are and where you are going at all times!

10. Spelling. It doesn't really matter how you spell stuff. Words such at "their, they're and there are all very interchangeable.

11. It's quite acceptable to have private conversations with your friends on Facebook. Remember, even though whatever you write is posted to your wall, it doesn't always mean that the person from school that you are talking about will ever see it, right?

Good luck young teenager! Also remember to post and tag the most embarrassing pictures of your friends that you can find!!

(I'm pretty sure that college admittance committees, future employers and parents will never see anything you have posted on Facebook)

Top ten things overheard when I was playing Mario Cart on the Wii with my kids

#10. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

#9. "HEY! YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! WHY ARE YOU GOING THE WRONG WAY!!"

#8. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

#7. "WHERE IN THE HECK IS THE B BUTTON? I CAN'T FIND THE B BUTTON!!!"

#6. "TURN AROUND MOM! YOU'RE STILL GOING THE WRONG WAY!!"

#5. "WHY DO YOU KEEP DRIVING ON THE GRASS?"

#4. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

#3. "YOU FELL OFF THE TRACK AGAIN?? WHY DO YOU KEEP FALLING OFF THE TRACK???"

#2. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

And the #1 thing overheard when I was playing Mario cart on the Wii with my kids...........

"This is what happens when you try to teach stuff to old people."

NATIONAL DE-LURKING DAY!!

It has just been brought to my attention that today is National De-Lurking day!

What is that you might ask?

It's when all of the people who lurk (read but don't comment) are encouraged to leave a comment.

Last year on this day, I had some of the best comments ever!

I also used my stat counter to get information to call out one of my readers who never commented. (I may have mentioned where they lived and their occupation) They commented, but have never been back.
To this person, I apologize, I didn't mean to drive you away. (not that they will see this, because as mentioned before, they haven't been back) (sigh)

Last year was so fun because I encouraged everyone to leave a comment as their favorite famous person! (Mostly so it would look like famous people were reading my blog)

I also suggested that if you couldn't think of anything to say, to just leave a really random comment such as......

"The moldy bird flies at midnight"
"Purple porcupines with rabies attack me in my sleep!"
"Target hates me!!"

Some of my favorite comments were;

Sarah Palin said...
WOW! You are amazingly funny! Your so lucky you have such creative kids. The crazy imagination leads to wonderful stories and memories. ~~~~In the 1800's, 'pants' was a dirty word in England


Barack Obama said...
I wanted to say that you have a fine blog, a bold blog, that tells the world what fine people Americans are. You are an outstanding example of the kind of person we should all seek to be. This is why I'm giving you my Nobel Peace Prize. You are that important.

George of the Jungle said...
You make me laugh. Max makes me laugh more.---It is against the law in Georgia to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. So what am I supposed to tie the giraffe to, I ask you?

Anderson Cooper said...
The dolphin is in the washing machine, I repeat, the dolphin is in the washing machine.


To whoever left that Anderson Cooper comment, just so you know, "The dolphin is in the washing machine" has become a favorite phrase at our house.

What can I say, we're a little strange around here.

Back to the whole de-lurking thing, leave a random comment as your favorite (or least favorite) famous person.

Things that are not awesome - Grocery store edition

I discovered at 10:15 p.m. that we needed a few things from the grocery store. "No problem" I thought, I'll just make a quick trip over to our closest store, they're open until 11:00.

I walk quickly through the store, trying to find the things on my list. Unfortunately, the grocery geniuses had recently decided that all of the merchandise was in the wrong place and had moved everything around.

I search every isle trying to find the items that I came for, and finally just settled on the most crucial of groceries because I couldn't find where they put the other stuff.


Then I happily walked off to the check out stands only to discover that they close the regular check outs at 10:30. It was 10:45.


Now the only option for me was the self check out.


I loathe self check out.


Seriously, I really, really intensely dislike having to scan my own groceries.
Since this now was my only choice, combined with the fact that we really needed milk, I decided to just suck it up and deal with the stupid self check out.


I waited in line with the other people who were grumbling about the stupid self check out, and watched while the one and only worker assigned to the self check out ran back and forth between the 4 different stations, resetting the machines, deleting things that scanned twice, figuring out how to scan stuff that wouldn't scan...............


It seemed to me that if the store were just to have this same guy open a regular check stand, that everyone would have made it out of the store much faster.


FINALLY, it was my turn.
I took the first item out of my cart, scanned it then put it in the bag.
I took the second item out of the cart, scanned it then put it in the bag.


So far so good. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.


I scanned a gallon of milk, however, I didn't think it should be put in a bag, so I returned it to the shopping cart.


The stupid self checkout machine started beeping at me "PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!"


Only there really wasn't room to place the gallon of milk in the stupid bagging area. I found a spot very near the edge of the platform to sit it in so that the stupid self check out machine would stop yelling at me.
The next problem was that I was buying three gallons of milk. There was no way that I could fit two more gallons of milk in the stupid bagging area.
But I had me an idea!


I scanned the second gallon of milk but instead of trying to find room in the stupid bagging area, I put it back in the cart and lifted up the first gallon of milk then sat it back down.
I was feeling rather clever until "DO NOT REMOVE ITEMS FROM THE BAGGING AREA! PLACE THE SCANNED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!!!"

I must have looked like I was going to cry because the employee assigned to the self check out came over, scanned the remaining milk, typed some special code into the stupid machine then put the milk (all three gallons) into my cart.

I thanked him, then picked up the tomatoes from my cart.

Were you aware that tomatoes come without a bar code?

I was standing there, wondering what I should do, listening to the stupid machine tell me to "SCAN NEXT ITEM OR PROCEED TO CHECK OUT!! SCAN NEXT ITEM OR PROCEED TO CHECK OUT!! SCAN NEXT ITEM OR PROCEED TO CHECK OUT!!"

I finally figured out that I needed to indicate that I was buying produce, then place the tomatoes on the stupid self check out scanner to be weighed. Easy enough, but then it asked me what kind of produce it was.
Stupid machine, they're tomatoes.
A screen came up with all sorts of different produce. I scrolled my way through all of the fruits and vegetables until I found the tomatoes.

Do you have any idea how many different varieties of tomatoes there are?
I was pretty sure that the store didn't stock even half of the different tomatoes that were shown on the stupid machine.

I kept looking through the tomato pictures, trying to find a picture that looked like my tomatoes, or just trying to remember what the sign said about the tomatoes that I was trying so desperately to purchase........

Self check out employee guy came over and typed in his magic words until my tomatoes showed up on the screen and the stupid self check out machine was able to charge me the correct amount.
Self check out employee guy then needed to go rescue a teenager who was attempting to buy a candy bar, but his stupid self check out machine wouldn't scan the candy bar.

That's right folks, ONE candy bar, and the kid couldn't get it to work because the stupid EVIL self check out machine didn't recognize the item.

I picked up the tomatoes and put them in my cart........returned them to the stupid bagging area so the stupid, evil self check out machine would stop yelling at me again.

I finally got to the last item in my shopping cart. It was a small pan of brownies from the clearance area of the bakery. (Hey, I said that I only got the most crucial groceries)

I scanned the brownies, which had been marked down from $5.00 to $2.00, and much to my dismay, the stupid, evil self check out machine charged me full price!!!

Now, I was beyond angry. As much as I love brownies, there was NO WAY that I was going to pay $5.00 for them when they were marked $2.00!
If I had been using a regular HUMAN cashier, they would have picked up on that and fixed it even before there was a problem.
Fortunately, the self check out employee guy came to my rescue once again (I did have to wait for him to help another teenager who was buying a bottle of Gatorade) I explained to SCOEG that my brownies should have only been $2.00. This time he typed something into the computer on is desk, and magically, it changed the price on my screen.

I had finally scanned all of my items, so I proceeded to check out. Eventually, I made the stupid, evil self check out machine understand that I wanted to pay with a debit card, then made the payment and left as quickly as I could. (following the instructions of the self check out to "REMOVE ALL ITEMS FROM THE BAGGING AREA!")

I'm pretty sure that from now on, if it's past 10:30, I will drive across town to the Wal Mart so that I can have the option of NOT using self check out if I so wish.
Plus I'll get the added bonus of seeing the peOple of Wal Mart, which is something that I don't usually get to see at our local grocery store.
Another thing that will not be seen at our local store would be the grown woman, yelling at the stupid self check out machine "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF TOMATOES THESE ARE! I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN! I CAN'T PUT THAT MILK IN THE BAGGING AREA, THERE ISN'T ROOM! I'M SCANNING AND SCANNING THIS ITEM, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE IT? THE BROWNIES ARE MARKED DOWN TO $2.00!! I REPEAT, THE BROWINES ARE MARKED DOWN TO $2.00!!
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOT TO TAKE THE ITEMS FROM THE BAGGING AREA? JUST 20 SECONDS AGO YOU TOLD ME TO PUT THEM THERE!!!!!"

In my pretty garden

Pulled weeds.

Can't move arms.

Stupid weeds.

Stupid, stupid weeds.

It's a carnival!

Because I'm such a follower, and because I haven't been able to come up with anything to blog about lately, I've decided to join a blog carnival!

The theme of this carnival includes lots of hairspray, makeup so thick that it could double for stucco on your house, and a soft focus lens.

So here it is, my entry for the blog carnival, my Glamor shots photo. (I actually had it taken at The Coverlook, I hope that's OK)

Yes, this is me, or at least how I looked many years ago with more products in my hair than my family will now use in an entire year.
I hope you enjoy this photo, because it might be the only one I post of myself on this blog, and really, it's not much different than how I look every day when I go out into public. (Just take away the big hair, makeup, add some crows feet, sweats and a few pounds and I look practically the same)
The thing I remember most about the day I had this picture taken was what happened after I left the photography studio.I went with my mom to the grocery store, (I still had most of the makeup and hairdo in place) and as we were walking down the isle, a teenage boy walked past us. He was a store employee and passed us, pushing a very large cart with items to be stocked on the shelf. I noticed that he was staring at me, and he must have continued staring because he ran the cart into the end display of cereal boxes and knocked them all over.
Yes, we still laugh about that.
If you have one of these photos, or any photo involving really big hair or a peach sweater, please head on over to Kristina's blog and add yourself to the list. (Please don't let me be alone in my humiliation)
Also, you can check out all of the others who have been brave enough to post their photos. I hear that someone is actually going to post the glamor shot of her ex boyfriend!
Come and join the fun!!

And if you are a Facebook friend of mine, yes, this is my profile picture, only larger, with more pixels.

I seem to have fallen into a giant, deep, dark hole from which I may never be able to climb out

Yes, it's true............................











I've joined Facebook.

I know you are out there. Identify yourselves!

It has just come to my attention that today is National De-Lurking day.

I have a stat counter installed on this blog, and I see that many people are reading, however, only a few are commenting.

Perhaps you are shy?

Perhaps the "A" key is broken on your keyboard and you aren't able to write a comment using only the other 4 vowels?

Perhaps you came here looking for ideas for show and tell at preschool, decorations for a garbage truck birthday party, or funny potty training quotes.

Perhaps you are working in a law office in Lincoln Nebraska, and you only have a few snippets of time each day to read a blog without being detected by your boss and so you don't have time to comment?

So now I say to you, dear blog lurkers, DE-LURK! Leave me a comment! (pretty please. I'm having a monumentally bad week and I could sure use some nice comments)

If you don't want to use your real name, sign in as your favorite famous person. This way, it looks like I have a bunch of famous people reading my blog.

If you don't know what to say, leave me some sort of random comment such as......

"The moldy bird flies at midnight"

"Purple porcupines with rabies attack me in my sleep!"

"Target hates me!!"

"Uninsured drivers who back up into the side of your car should be covered in honey and forced to sit on top of an anthill!"

Yeah, pretty much any random comment will do, keeping in mind that my kids do read my blog, so anything you write should be appropriate for them to read.

If you really want to make my day, sign in as somebody famous and leave a random comment.

Thank you.

Happy commenting!

Scientific experiments?

First of all, I need to give a disclaimer for this post. I have spent the last several weeks with quite a bit of work for my business. This is a good thing, however, as I mentioned in my previous post, sometimes a few things around the house will not get done when I am this busy.

Like one of my all time favorite activities........

Cleaning out the fridge.

At this time, I would like to acknowledge Suburban Correspondent who faithfully cleans out her refrigerator every week and then posts pictures of her finds. She is the brave pioneer of posting leftovers, so since I am kind of copying her idea, I will give her the all the credit for this.

I, however, will not be posting pictures.

You're welcome.

Today I cleaned out the refrigerator. I chose today because tomorrow is garbage day and it just seemed appropriate to get rid of a bunch of stuff that we won't be eating.

During this ordeal, I learned many valuable things.

#1. Somebody in our house really likes pickles, specifically the sandwich stacker variety. I found 5 jars of these in the fridge, two brand new, never been opened, two half full of pickles and one with a small half slice of pickle floating around in the pickle juice.

The thing is, I don't like pickles on sandwiches or hamburgers. If I did like them, then I'm quite sure that there wouldn't be that many jars in the fridge. Still, I don't understand why we just can't finish off one jar before purchasing another.

#2. If a bowl of lettuce is pushed to the back of the refrigerator and forgotten long enough, it will completely liquify.

#3. No matter how many times you tell a 4 year old that fuzzy things are cute, he will not fall in love with the leftover casserole that was found under the sour cream on the bottom shelf.

#4. You can most definitely tell when sour cream has gone bad.

#5. Anything left in the bottom drawers and shelf of my refrigerator will freeze. I have adjusted the temperature multiple times and I still end up with frozen celery and lettuce.

#6. For some reason, even though I know we won't eat the leftovers, I will still put them in the refrigerator anyway because I don't like wasting food. I guess that if you wait long enough for food to go bad, it can then be thrown away because throwing away bad food is not wasteful.

#7. My kids only like the top 1/3 of a bottle of water. (I didn't even count how many partially consumed bottles of water I removed from the refrigerator. I do know that three were in the bottom drawer because they were completely frozen)

#8. We have way too many condiments.

#9. Announcing to everyone that the refrigerator will be cleaned out will allow some serious quiet time for mom.

#10. I finally found where I stored all of my missing storage bowls.

Anyway, at this time, my refrigerator is all cleaned out! I now have room for more leftovers.

I guess that means that I have to cook doesn't it?

Forgiveness isn't always easier to get than permission

Alternate title to this post: Indigestion, anyone?

Back when I was growing up, we had a huge cherry tree in our back yard. Each year this tree produced an unbelievable amount of dark red, juicy delicious cherries.
One year, the tree became infested with worms. For the next several years, no matter what kind of dangerous chemicals we sprayed the tree with, the stupid little critters wouldn't go away and we weren't able to eat the cherries because of the bonus worm protein contained inside.
(I guess technically we could have eaten them, but EWWWWWW!)

My aunt and uncle lived directly behind us, and when we had our fence built, we installed a gate between our two yards to make it easy to visit each other.
One day, my cousin came home from school to see her dad, my uncle, sitting in front of the TV, snacking on a huge bowl which was halfway filled with cherries.
"Hey Dad" she said "Where did you get the cherries?"
"I got them next door." He replied, waving his hand toward our house.
I really would have loved to see the look on his face when she told him
"Um, didn't you know those cherries have worms in them?"



He had eaten over half of the bowl.


Moral of the story:
Always get permission before stealing fruit.

Just when I thought I had nothing to blog about....

This morning I saw my kids, laying around in their pajamas, and decided that they needed a goal for today.
"Hey guys" I said rather enthusiastically, "why don't you do something funny today so I can blog about it?"
They groaned and went back to watching TV.
They haven't done anything funny for a while. Seriously, what am I supposed to blog about? The fighting is getting old. The teasing is getting old. The whining is getting old.
Then, something weird happened.

They all got dressed without me telling them to.

Apparently, they wanted something.

They wanted to go to the park. I explained that the dishes would need to be done for this to happen.

They did the dishes.

This was too weird, so we all piled in the car and we went to the park. While there, I told them that they needed to do something funny so I could blog about it, so they climbed to the top of the playground tower and had a burping contest.

We had a nice visit to the park. I sat under a tree and counted all the moms with their designer strollers, overly highlighted bumpit heads and daisy headbands that are bigger than their baby's head. I laughed because I'm pretty sure they don't realize that they're living a stereotype.

I look over at Max and for the first time notice that Mac & Cheese he had for lunch is still all over his face. I ask my other kids why nobody bothered to wash his face, and none of them answer. So then I ask Max "Did you know that you have Mac & Cheese all over your face?'
He nods yes.
"Did you forget to wash it off or are you saving it for later?"
"I'm savin' it for later."

And I'm feeling pretty good about life because;
1. He's only 4 and has already learned to plan ahead.
2. He wasn't wearing a huge daisy on his head.

Then one of the bumpit set got out a really nice, hand pieced, hand stitched quilt and laid it on the grass and dirt then rolled her stroller on top of it and sat down.
I had to look away.
(Seriously, I doubt that she had any clue how much work and expense went into that beautiful quilt, and she's got it laying on the ground!)

Max went down the slide about 100 times. The kid is a slide maniac.
Then we went home, where Brielle got out her notebook and proceeded to draw some rather uncomplimentary pictures of me. She thought this was funny until I told her that she couldn't have a popcicle, then she tried to back track and drew nice pictures. She drew pictures of herself with tears running down her face, saying she was sorry and very sad............
Then I noticed that one of the pictures of herself had a mustache, and she doesn't have a mustache.
I still didn't let her have a popcicle. I told her she could have one when she grows a mustache.

How long do you think I should stay mad at her?

Actual conversation between me and the kids while wandering through the parking lot at Wal Mart last night at 10:30 pm

Me: "Where did we park? "

Brielle: "I don't know, wasn't it over this way?"

Me: "No, I don't think so, I think it was more over that way. It drives me crazy when we bring Dad's car, because it's harder to find."

Aaron: "I think I remember walking down this way."

Me: "Are you sure? I kind of remember facing south when we parked."

Aaron: "Didn't we park next to a tree?"

Me: " I don't think so, I don't like parking in those spots with the trees."

Brielle: "Why didn't we bring your car mom?"

Me: "I wish we had, then I could hit the button on the keys and the horn would honk."

Aaron: "Maybe it was over on this row."

Brielle: "No, I think it was closer to this entrance."

Me: "What color is Dad's car anyway?"

Brielle: "MOM! You know what color it is, it's silver."

Me: "Or is it more of a gray?"

Aaron: "I'm pretty sure we parked by a tree."

Brielle: "Look over there Mom, that car is just like your car!"

Me: "It does look kind of like my car doesn't it?"

Brielle: "I wish it was your car, then we would know where it was."

Aaron: "Hey Mom! Look at the license plate! That IS your car!"

Brielle: "Oh yeah, we did come in your car!"






If I hadn't brought the kids with me to Wal Mart, I might still be wandering around, looking for the wrong car.....................


Don't judge. It was dark outside.

The reason I hope that Ikea doesn't have security cameras pointed at the escalator

The kids have been wanting to go to Ikea for the last few weeks. Especially Max. He LOVES to go to Ikea. (this may or may not have something to do with their fresh cinnamon rolls......)
Today I realized that there were a few things that I wanted to buy from there, so we all piled into the car and headed to Ikea.

We got an AMAZING parking place. Right up close. (this has absolutely nothing to do with my story, it's just that I rarely get a decent parking place, and I was really excited about this)

As we were walking into Ikea, Max got excited, because he realized that he would get to RIDE THE ESCALATOR!

We got on the escalator without incident. Of course, Max had a grip on my hand, but other than that, he did pretty well getting on.

Halfway up my phone started ringing. I briefly let go of Max's hand to get my phone out of my pocket and Max panicked. He started screaming "HOLD MY HAND! HOLD MY HAND! DON'T LET GO! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!!!
I nearly dropped the phone as he was grabbing onto my hand with both of his hands. I transferred the phone to my other hand so I could hold on to Max's hand and then he saw the top of the escalator approaching and.......

"PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP!!!
COME ON! PICK. ME. UUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!"

Then he grabbed the front of my shirt, lifted his legs off the escalator and hung there, pulling my shirt way down and...........


Yes, I might have sort of flashed a group of people standing at the top of the escalator.


Seriously, does anyone know if Ikea has a security camera pointed at the escalator? I'm really worried that this is going to end up on YouTube.

Hide and seek with Max

I have this fun game that I've played with all my kids when they were little. If I knew that they were coming into a room, I would hide around the corner and as they walk by I jump out and growl at them. Sure, at first they had this look of sheer terror on their faces, but it soon melted into uncontrolled giggles then they would be their turn to hide and "scare" me.


Today, I got into the hide and growl game with Max. He loves this game, and will play it forever. When it was my time to hide, I hid in the kitchen closet.





I heard Max walk in the kitchen and around the island.





He looked in the bathroom by the kitchen.





He looked in the hall closet.





He looked behind the couches.





He looked in the laundry room.





I'm still in the closet waiting. I can't believe that he hasn't looked in the closet, I mean, it was the only place he hadn't looked, and it was SO obvious!





He went and looked in the living room, then I heard him go downstairs.





I continued to wait.





When he came upstairs he went down the hallway and looked in the bedrooms and bathroom again. I heard him opening all the closet doors. He even started calling "Mom! Where are you?"





Then it dawned on me.





You know those white childproof doorknob covers that you put on your doorknobs so that little kids (and some adults) can't open them?

There was one on the door to the closet that I was hiding in.

Super (flaky) Mom

This morning, at 8:01, I was awakened by the telephone ringing. I had been up VERY late last night, trying to meet a deadline for work, and to say that I was annoyed would be putting it lightly.
I looked at the caller ID, and didn't recognize the number, so I just assumed that whoever was calling would call back if it was important.
Then I heard them leave a message.

"Hi Jill, this is Jamie Jensen from the Cub Scouts, we are all ready to go to Day camp and we're just checking on Aaron, we can only wait a few more minutes before we need to leave. Hope to see you soon! Bye!"

Wow. Chugging a big gulp full of Dr. Pepper couldn't have caused me to wake up any faster than that phone call.

My first thought was "How on earth could that be today? I know for sure that it was on the calendar for Thursday and Friday."
So I went and looked at the wall calendar in the kitchen, and sure enough, written on Monday and Tuesday was "Cub Country"

Shoot.

I quickly called her back.

"Hi Jamie, we're on our way, I'll have him there in a few minutes. Ummm, he needs a lunch today, right?"

I went and dragged a groggy Aaron out of bed, hoping that he would at least have some clue as to where his scout shirt was. He found the shirt (whew) and it was clean (or at least I couldn't smell it) I made him a super fast peanut butter and jelly sandwich, stuffed a can of pop and some chips into his lunch box (which I was amazed that we actually found) gave him a piece of toast and rushed him over to the church where everybody was waiting.

And then I made him hug me in front of his friends. (It's kind of my payback for all the grocery store tantrums he threw for me)

As I drove away I looked at my watch. 8:12.

In 11 minutes I managed to get up, confirm that day camp was indeed today, get Aaron out of bed, dressed and fed (I even managed to sneak a little gel in his hair. If I hadn't, everyone would have seen his bed hair and known that we just woke up) found the sunscreen, made him a lunch and drove him to the church.
If my alarm had gone off at 8:02 and I had hit the snooze button, I would have been back home in time to turn it off.

Seriously, I think I deserve some sort of award* or medal or something.

Or at least chocolate.



*If you totally ignore the fact that I wasn't aware that the camp was indeed today.

When I got back home, I looked at the calendar in my electronic organizer and the camp
WAS listed for Thursday and Friday, NOT today and tomorrow.

I realize now that I forgot to check to see if Aaron was wearing clean socks. Heck, I'm not even sure that he was wearing socks.



PS. I had a really great weekend because I got to go to TWO blogger lunches on Saturday!
These were hosted by Crash from Crash Test Dummy diaries and Erin from If you give a mom a moment.

If you want hear more about the lunches, please click on the links because, obviously, I'm too scatterbrained to write anything about them. (However, I had a great time at both!)

e-packrat

Have you ever felt really bad because you haven't received any email for the last 36 hours.
Have you ever just assumed that nobody likes you because you haven't received any mail for the last 36 hours?
Have you become obsessive over checking your mail just knowing that SOMEBODY would send you something.
Have you ever been disappointed because there are still no new emails in your in box.
Have you ever discovered that your mailbox is completely full and not accepting any new emails?
Have you ever spent the entire evening cleaning out your inbox?
Have you ever discovered two very important work emails that you never received because your inbox was full?
Have you ever wondered what else you've missed.

I apologize to anyone who tried to email me today. Try again later............