Monday, July 25, 2011

Wearing red high heels doesn't automatically make you patriotic

This post should have been written several weeks ago, but it wasn't so just deal with it :)

On the fourth of July, we took the kids to a local minor league baseball game because they were going to have fireworks at the end of the game, and it had been a while since we had taken the kids to see fireworks (other than the ones we would do in our driveway)

We had some pretty good seats, front row, just behind the visiting team's bullpen. We sat and enjoyed most of the game, the weather was perfect, the kettle corn delicious, and the home team was winning.
Around the end of the 6th inning a couple walked toward us. The girl was wobbling along in super high red heels, denim daisy duke shorts and a super tight tank top. She stopped in front of us, put one hand on her hip and wiggled two fake fingernail-tipped fingers at me and Max, and said "WE are sitting there!"

I thought this was really strange, because, obviously, I was sitting there and so was Max, while she was standing in front of us with a really big attitude.....

Her date leaned toward her and said, "No, we're on the row behind them."
She pulled a face and then strutted past us.
Her date looked quite embarrassed and apologized to us as he followed her.

She sat in the seat directly behind us and her date told her that she needed to slide one more seat over. "WHY, aren't these our seats either?" the lady sitting next to her had her toddler daughter on her lap and said "Actually, that's our seat, but she probably won't be sitting in it, she wants to sit on my lap, so you can stay there if you want"

The girl (we'll call her "Ditsy") then made a very loud comment about how stupid the music was, because back when she worked at this ball park as a teenager, they only played awesome music.
Ditsy then told her date that she needed a beer. He said "We just sat down, I'll go get you one when this inning is over." The lady on the other side of them overheard this and told them that they usually stopped selling beer after the seventh inning, so they might want to go get it now.

For the next half inning, the game was quite enjoyable, without the running commentary of Ditsy, however, when they came back, it started up again.
"Here, she said to the lady next to them, I hope you like Budweiser!" and she thrust a large glass of beer toward her.
"Oh........ummmm...I don't drink."
Ditsy turned to her date and said "SEE! I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T DRINK!" then she sat down and proceeded to start drinking her beer.

The non drinking lady next to her turned out to be quite a loyal fan of the home team. She was able to tell us all about the players and kept Ditsy informed on all the rules of the game.
(which seemed strange to me since she had worked there for several years as a teenager, in fact, to hear Ditsy tell about that time, she practically ran the place)
Just then, a foul ball was hit in our direction.
"OH LOOK!" yelled Ditsy "It's a FLY BALL!"
"Actually" said Baseball fan lady (from now on referred to as BFL)"It's a foul ball"
"Fly ball, foul ball, same thing!"
"No" corrected BFL "They are not the same thing, a foul ball is when it goes out of bounds and is out of play."
Ditsy (who has now finished about half of her beer) says "Whatever...." then she says "You know, I really HATE BASEBALL! It's so boring, I never liked watching the games when I worked here."
Just then, a batter hit a line drive to the pitcher, who threw the ball to first base, and the batter was out.
The crowd cheered and Ditsy needed to know what happened. BFL said "They threw him out at first!"
'WHAT? THEY THREW MUD ON FIRST? WHY WOULD THEY THROW MUD ON FIRST? THAT'S STUPID!"
BFL then had to explain to her what happened, and that the batter was now out and would no longer be running around the bases, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Since we were sitting right by the visiting team's bullpen, we were able to watch the pitcher warming up. He was doing various stretches and Ditsy said "WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING WITH HIS ARMS?
BFL then had to explain to her about how he was warming up his muscles so he could throw the ball better and have a lower chance of injury, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

BFL continued conversations with Ditsy, explaining to her everything that was happening and at one point after a certain exciting play, Ditsy was screaming "What happened? What happened?" and after BFL explained it to her she said "That's why I HATE BASEBALL because the ball goes so fast I can't see where it's going!"

Then Ditsy started to talk about herself "I'm just finishing up my degree in public relations!" she excitedly told BFL who asked her what kind of work she planned on doing after graduating. "Well." said Ditsy "Believe it or not, I'm thinking about going to LAW SCHOOL!"
Then turning back to the game she said "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Finally, the end of the game came, (along with the end of Ditsy's beer, and I suspect a good amount of the extra beer...) the home team won, and everyone in the general admission seats in the grass on the other side of the outfield needed to move onto the playing field because the fireworks were being launched too close to where they were sitting. This took quite a while to get everyone moved, and Ditsy spent the whole time rambling on about herself.

When everyone was seated safely on the field and the lights went out for the fireworks, Ditsy leaned over to her date and loudly whispered "I HAVE TO PEE!" He said "The fireworks are starting now, can't you wait until they're over? (Obviously, they had only come for the fireworks, there's no way they came to watch the game because remember, she HATES BASEBALL)
"HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THEM TO BE OVER?" She asked her date.
BFL leaned over and said "They put on one of the best firework displays in the city, it could be 30-40 minutes long."
"I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" Ditsy said, then proceeded to climb over the family next to them and teeter up the stairs, going as fast as she could with her knees stuck together, just as the fireworks were starting.
She wasn't gone long (or at least long enough.......) and returned to her seat and grabbed the glass with the remaining beer in it.

She watched the fireworks and continued to drink the beer, and then started using some rather foul language, which could still be heard quite clearly over the loud booms of the fireworks (fortunately, after the first firework, Max climbed into my lap, closed his eyes and covered his ears and missed her language)
The lady with the toddler must have glared at her because then I heard Ditsy say "IF YOU WANT US TO BE QUIET, JUST TELL US! DON'T KEEP LOOKING AT US! WE DON'T HAVE KIDS!"
I have no idea what not having kids had to do with anything, but I guess it seemed like an important point to Ditsy, who then continued with her profane language.
The young mom must have looked at her again because then Ditsy said.....

"STOP LOOKING AT US! IF YOU LOOK AT US AGAIN I'M GOING TO THROW BEER IN YOUR FACE!!! DO YOU WANT BEER IN YOUR FACE? LOOK AT US AGAIN AND I'LL THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!!

Nobody dared look at her after that.

The fireworks ended, and everyone cleared out of the stands.

When we left, I saw Ditsy waiting for her date, outside of the men's restroom, chugging what was left of the beer.

I only hope she didn't drive home.....




18 comments:

Kristina P. said...

When I do have kids, that's when I'm really going to amp up the swearing around them.

You were so much more polite than I would have been.

Jessica G. said...

What? Max had nothing to say about Ditsy? Even his naughty imaginary friends were silent? I am stunned.

Mom of 12 said...

I guess it takes all kinds... I think you are a very patient woman.
Sandy

LisAway said...

No, hating baseball automatically makes you patriotic.

I loved your story. I almost have a hard time believing it, but even if only HALF of it were true it would be amazing.

She will make a wonderful PR person some day. Or an even better lawyer. You should have taken down her information so you could contact her in case you have any legal troubles in the future...

just call me jo said...

I believe every word of your story. I've seen women like her at other gatherings. I just want to poke her in the eye with something sharp--like her stilleto. She's obviously a pain in the a__ B'atch! (Look how clean my language was.) I hope the guy never dates Ditsy again. She's too stupid to live.

MamaHen Em said...

Yikes! It amazes me that people act like that, although I too, have seen stuff like this first hand!

Melissa said...

Wow. You gotta love people like that! My brother used to take one of those laser pen light things to the baseball games and then wait for people to get drunk and shine it on and around them. They freaked out and we got a good laugh... terrible, I know, but if you're gonna drink...

Karen said...

Most of your description sounded like Ditsy was a three year old. (except for the drinking beer part but hey, you never know!)

Rachel Sue said...

Wow. Reallly? It kind of makes me wonder if she embarrassed her date enough.

Bossy said...

This is exactly why my family won't let me go to Bees game anymore. No wait I think it was me diving over the seat for the foul ball. Either way if ditsy was sitting behind me I would've accidentally dropped a soda in her lap during the fireworks.

Kira

M-Cat said...

BFL was extremely patient. I fear I would have been mean and snarky from the beginning. And I too and shocked that Max had nothing to say about Ditsy.

I'm pretty sure she stumbled out of the Walmart just before coming to the game. Prolly got her nails done

Lindsay said...

I would have told her if you hate baseball so much, why don't you go home? And then if she kept it up I'd probably go find an employee and have her ejected from the park. I don't have very much patience anymore.

In fact, yesterday at Michael's I got an employee to kick out someone's children who were going around opening annoying decorations and leaving them all over the store so they would play stupid songs. It came down to either they left peacefully, or I was going to ram one of those stupid musical coffins down their punk throats. Maybe I need to up my Prozac...

Mr. Hughes said...

ROFL-
Wow, that was a great story. Sorry you had to live through all that, but phew... I was laughing the whole story. Great writing. I am here as a result of Teachinfourth's challenge. I am glad I am too because I really enjoy reading your posts. Thanks for a laugh. I needed that!

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, that's the kind of girl you want to marry...

Cheeseboy said...

I love baseball, but I must admit I still have about as much patience as Ditsy when I attend a minor league game.

Melinda said...

We went to the movie theater last weekend (the first time we've been in like six months) and were surrounded by people burping every few minutes. Truly. Some people should not be allowed out in public.

Richard & Natalie said...

Now that, is a 4th of July you'll always remember eventhough I'd bet you'd love to forget it!

Glad I stopped by due to TF's challenge- I needed a good laugh.

Rachel said...

That is just sad. I am so sorry that your family had to witness that. Sometimes I think there is definitely a silver lining to being deaf! :)