Sunday, January 18, 2009

Where there's smoke, there's dinner. Part deux

Suburban Correspondent came up with this fantabulous idea to have a "reality" type cooking show.
She talks about it here.

Go ahead, click on the link. I'll wait.

Seriously, this post will make much more sense if you do.

(Just remember to come back)

Are you back yet? Don't you LOVE her idea for the cooking show?

We discussed what we would call the show. She thought of calling it "Rachael Ray, NOT!" or a variation of The Iron Chef and call it "Iron Mom"

Personally, I thought it would be a great idea to combine the names of several cooking shows like Julia Child, The Iron Chef, The Galloping Gourmet and The Naked Chef.

(and yes, I'm anxious to see what kind of google searches that will bring here)

And so now folks, here it is! The show you've all been waiting for!


The Galloping Iron Naked Gourmet Mom Chef!

Where all we ask is that you try one bite.

(Cue annoying theme song music)

Announcer: Live, from the middle of her somewhat cluttered kitchen, the host of our show, Jillybean! Join us on our culinary journey to learn the fine art of quick cuisine.

(Now here is where you would usually hear applause from the live studio audience. Get real. The only ones here are my kids, and I'm making dinner, not cookies)

Me: Welcome everyone to my new REALITY cooking show The Galloping Iron Naked Gourmet Mom Chef!

Today I will demonstrate how to make a lovely dinner for a family of six!

Since it is almost 5:00, I should probably start cooking.

The first thing we need to do is the most difficult. We need to decide exactly what we will be cooking for dinner. Now I do realize that I probably should have decided on this much sooner, but it's been quite a day, I've had SO much to do! Besides all of the regular things that take up my day, laundry, cleaning, shopping, blogging ........) I had to make a trip over to the kids school because somebody forgot their homework/trumpet/lunch money/library book/coat.

So now it's 5:00 and I don't know what to make for dinner.

My theory on cooking is that it should take us longer to eat the food than it takes me to make the food, so I will choose something that is easy to make.

SPAGHETTI! It's fast, easy and everyone in the family enjoys a nice big plate of spaghetti.
Plus, I'm quite sure that I have all the ingredients that I need.

First, we need to defrost some ground beef. Put it in the microwave, or better yet, get the kids involved and ask one of them to do it. Be sure to remind them to push the "defrost" button.
Now send another child to the pantry for a jar of spaghetti sauce and the spaghetti noodles.

Child #1: "Mom, we don't have any spaghetti sauce, and the only noodles we have are the wheat ones, and you know how much we don't like those."

Me: Now send another child to help look for the sauce and the noodles.
When they come back empty handed, go look for the things yourself. The closet is quite a mess, no wonder they can't find anything. You find the noodles, but remember that you used the last spaghetti sauce last week. That's OK, because it really won't take that much longer to make the sauce, after all, you have sauce mix in the closet.

OK. So as it turns out, you don't have the sauce mix............and what's that funny smell? The one that smells like ground beef and plastic?

Coming from the microwave?

Open the microwave to find that your child neglected to push the "defrost" button and has now cooked the beef. The added bonus is that the plastic packaging has now melted deeply into the ground beef.

Get another ground beef out of the freezer and defrost it yourself.

Send a child to the pantry to get 3 cans of diced tomatoes and one can of tomato sauce.
When the child returns with 3 cans of tomato sauce and one can of diced tomatoes, go back and get the right ones yourself.

Put the ground beef in the pan.

Where is the big frying pan?

In the dishwasher! Open the dishwasher to find that even though your darling offspring diligently filled the dishwasher last night after dinner, they neglected to turn it on and it is still filled with dirty dishes.

Wash the pan.

Put the beef in the pan and turn on the burner. Look for your favorite spatula, only to find it in the dishwasher.

Wash the spatula.

Cook the meat.

Child #2 wanders into the kitchen and says, "What are we having for dinner? Spaghetti? Why are you making that? I don't like spaghetti! Why don't you ever make any food that I like?!!I knew it, you don't love me!"

(ring ring)

Answer the phone.

"Hello........Yes, I had every intention of picking you up from Scouts today. I will be there when it's over at 5:30................IT'S 5:45???............OK, I'll be there in a few minutes."

Go retrieve your Scout. Ignore the angry glare from the Den leader who probably still needs to go home and cook dinner for her family too.

Ask a child to open the cans of diced tomatoes and drain them.
Clean up the can of tomatoes which your child accidentally dumped in the sink while trying to drain it. Send them to get another can of tomatoes. When they return with a can of tomato sauce go back and get the correct can yourself.

Put the tomatoes and sauce in with the meat. Remember that you can't find the mix anywhere so you just start dumping in random spices from the spice rack. (Oregano, basil? Those sound Italian, Marjoram? I have no idea what it is, but it might be good. Poultry seasoning, SURE! Why not!) Seriously, as long as there are flecks of green in the sauce, who will know the difference?

(ring ring)

Answer the phone again.

"Hi Tammy.......I'm not sure if Ben is here, let me check......(yell down to the basement) HEY KIDS! CAN YOU SEE BEN DOWN THERE?...........No Tammy, he's not here. Sorry, Goodbye."

Stir the sauce, turn the heat down and let it simmer.

Ask the kids to set the table for dinner.

Child #2 is back: "Why are you still making spaghetti? Are you trying to ruin my life?!!!"

(ring ring)

Answer the phone.

"Hello.........OH NO! That was today? I'm sorry, I'll have her right there. Goodbye."

Hang up the phone and drive your daughter to her piano lesson which was re scheduled due to the fact that she forgot to go it yesterday.

I'm forgetting something............ Salad! I should make a salad! Wash out the salad bowl and cutting board. Wash and drain the lettuce, and slice a tomato.

Or at least you COULD slice a tomato if you had one. Slice a zucchini. And since you also just discovered that you're out of croutons, toss a handful of fishy crackers in the salad.

Use the multi colored ones. The kids love those.

Tell the kids to stop fighting over who gets to put the cups on the table.

I still feel like I'm forgetting something.

GARLIC BREAD! The perfect thing to go with spaghetti!

Get some slices of bread and spread them with butter or margarine, or whatever you can find that will spread. Sprinkle garlic seasoning on the bread.

Go pick up your daughter from what was left of her piano lesson.

Ask the kids why there aren't any plates on the table.
Find the paper plates and hand them to the kids. (Yes, you guessed it, the plates are in the dishwasher)
While you're at it, get the plastic utensils out too. (just trying to stay ahead of the game)

Put the bread in the oven.

Stir the sauce. Turn down the heat again because it's boiling and popping big bubbles of spaghetti sauce all over the place.

Go change your shirt and put spray & wash on the glob of tomato sauce that popped onto your shirt.

(ring ring)

Answer the phone.

"Hi Tammy,........No, I'm sure Ben isn't here. The kids said they hadn't seen him. If he comes over, I'll tell him that you're looking for him."

Smell something funny.

(ring ring)

"Hello,..........No thank you, we're quite happy with our long distance phone service. No, I don't have a moment to let you explain how you can save me money............Well, if you really want to talk to someone, there is someone that you can explain the plan to."

Hand the phone to your three year old, and tell him to sing "The song that never ends."

What IS that funny smell??? That funny BURNING smell?


Get the smoldering bread out of the oven.

Wait for it to cool off a bit then arrange it on a plate, charred side down hoping that no one will notice.

Open the window to let some of the smoke out.

Put the bread on the table.
Put the sauce on the table.
Put the salad on the table.

Dinner is now ready! Call everyone to dinner.

Everyone comes to the table, including BEN!

"HEY!" you ask "I thought you guys said that Ben wasn't here!

Child # 3 "No Mom, you didn't ask if he was here, you asked us if we could see him. We couldn't. He was hiding in the closet."

Send Ben home.

Sit down to the table.

Realize what it was that you forgot.

The noodles. You didn't cook the spaghetti noodles.

Announcer : And that concludes today's episode of .................

The Galloping Iron Naked Gourmet Mom Chef!

Where all we ask is that you try one bite.

Seriously, you will sit at this table until you've tried at least one bite. I don't care if you think it looks weird, just try it!! You might just surprise yourself and like it. No I'm not trying to make you throw up. STOP GAGGING! Everyone else has eaten it and they all seem to be fine. No, really, one bite then you can leave the table. ONE BITE! Don't make me make you sit here all night!


Kristina P. said...

Wait, did I miss the naked part? Because that's what I was looking for.

And I adore you. You make me laugh.

Sue said...

Hilarious Jill. :>

Yvonne said...

That was too funny - and oh so true! I remember those days, and you are lucky that you can keep your sense of humor about it!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I always burn the bread.

Anonymous said...

I found you from Suburban Correspondant. This post is hilarious!! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!! I would totally watch that real reality show! Thanks for the laugh.

Zayna said...

I really enjoyed that, thanks so much.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Hide the burned part - gotta remember that...

Maraiya said...

beautifully done. No need to cook pasta - you could just whisk everything back into the kitchen, plate up the garlic bread and smother it with sauce: no one will notice the burnt side and you can call them "Italian Sloppy Joes" and not spaghetti thereby no longer ruining Child #2's life. win/win. You are so brilliant!

BTW, I'm so impressed that you are comfortable enough with your body to only go naked in front of the world but also in front of your teenage children! Way to go Jill!

Searching For Reinforcements said...

So glad I'm not the only one who doesn't remember that I am the one in charge of making dinner until 5:00. You'd think after all these years and all these kids I would remember that, but nope...Great post!

Jessica G. said...

And now for something horribly cliche and over-used: LOL! But it's true! The kids came to investigate what was making me laugh, because obviously, if Mom is laughing, they must come put an end to it.

Mum-me said...


Dianne said...

I don't want to rain on the parade, but I think I have seen this show. Often. In my kitchen. Just not the naked part. Used to cook in nightgowns, BC (before children and flannel). Got burnt too many times! Do husbands realize this is why we wear the heavy duty thick pjs? Just a random thought. That's how I roll!

Amber said...

Hi! Visiting from SC. This had me laughing right out loud. My husband is sleeping next to me and I kept waking him up.

So did you get dressed to pick up/take your kids? I'm just sayin' it's cold outside. That's all.

Melissa said...

Hilarious!! Really. Funniest thing all day!
This would be why I love Little Cesars hot-n-ready.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Jill have I mentioned that you are Awesome! I don't care what your kids think... you are! Thanks for writng down how it really is to make dinner. Sounds too familiar!Even the running to the pantry thing.
We forgot to have a veggie the other night. I know I should be stoned in the town square for forgetting.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Okay, I just read it again to my family and decided that at my house there would be 2 small revisions.
1~ I would have made them eat the plastic meat and told them just to pick out any bits of plastic. ("Quit complaining there are children in Africa who don't would love to eat plastic meat.")
2~ The bread would have been moldy, and I would have picked the mold off, and told them it was a fancy new kind of bread that had a decorative edge.

Nikki said...

Classic. Stuff like this unites mother's everywhere...well everyone but the domestically gifted, but I hear they don't spend time on the computer...

Staci K. said...

Thanks for the good laugh!

Busty LaRue said...

This post had me laughing hysterically. I always burn the bread, too. I forget I put it in the oven because I have to close the door so our child doesn't try to climb inside like he does the fridge.

Shellie said...

Perfect! I feel validated.

Tana said...

I love it. How did you get into my house?

Dawn said...

Too funny! Thank you!

Karen said...

Unfortunately one time I burned the macaroni to the bottom of the pan and had little macaroni-shaped black marks on the bottom of my pan.....and I couldn't get them off. My adult children still point to that as the reason they think I can't cook!

Melissa said...

And all of that without one tiny,little swear word! I'm impressed!

Manic Mommy said...

Awesome! I knew there had to be a telemarketing call in there somewhere. Over from The More The Messier.

I might do my own show: Easy Mac and Dinosaur Chicken.

tiburon said...

Sign me up. I am so in. Except for the naked galloping.

Alison Wonderland said...

Stop, Stop! Seriously, you're killing me.

Jo said...

You are so great! I love it and sounds like a slice of real life. Welcome to my world. And by the way, congrats on your inclusion in the Nie Nie book!!!

the planet of janet said...


MamaHenClucks said...

Oh my goodness!! That was hilarious. And waaa-ay to real!

Kelly said...

Okay, I was seriously laughing out loud at this post. My husband is looking at me like I am crazy.

Dysd Housewife said...

I tell you what, if it wasn't for a built in kitchen timer on my oven, I would burn EVERYTHING.

Rosie : ) said...

Thanks for the laugh! :)

The Littlest Hillbilly: said...

Every word of this is TRUE! So completely funny!

The Girl Next Door said...

HAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHA I found you through Suburban Correspondent and you DID NOT DISAPPOINT. Wow. Hilarious. Except this is all probably true. I only have twins so I can just imagine the horrors of multiplying them times two! thanks for sharing and for making me laugh out loud!

Heather said...

If you had had a breastfeeding toddler dangling from one of the girls during this you would have been describing my house.

Except your stuff kinda sounds like it came out foodlike. That's a difference from here.

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Nicole said...

Seriously.. when did you come visit here? .... lol.. I think I'm now addicted to your blog! Thanks for making a great spin on otherwise hectic and crazy days :)

Jenna @ Sharing My Jennarocity said...

Oh I just laughed and laughed. Especially at the part witht he dirty dishes in the dishwasher. So true. I love reading your posts!