Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Letters to the universe

Dear Stupid cold,
I realize that no time is the perfect time for me to be sick, however, now is really not a good time for me.
Just wondering if we could reschedule this whole sore throat, runny nose, headache, coughing thing for another time.
Please let me know what time would work best for you so that I can arrange to be out of town and miss your visit completely.

Signed,
Seriously, I don't have time for this




Dear manufacturers of Mucinex,

First off, I would like to say how much I enjoy your product, it does what you say it will do, and to some extent, has offered me some relief from the symptoms of this stupid cold that I have not been enjoying for the last while.

Last week, I went to purchase a new package of Mucinex, when I discovered that not only do you have a regular strength, but now an extra strength!

I almost bought the extra strength because anything extra strength has got to be better than regular, right?

Upon further reading of the label, I discovered that your "extra strength" actually had twice the amount of active ingredients in each capsule, but you could only take 2 doses a day, whereas the regular strength has half the ingredients but you can take 4 doses a day.


Extra strength = 1200 mg per capsule x 2 doses per day.............total 2400 mg.


Regular strength= 600 mg per capsule x 4 doses per day..........total 2400 mg.





?????





Seriously? Who do you think you're fooling?

Signed,

The consumer who will continue to buy the less expensive regular strength.






Dear Lady sitting across from us at the restaurant,

Even though your bra straps are beige, we can still see them because you are wearing a halter top.

Seriously, you are not fooling anyone.

Signed,

The Fashion Police.





Dear Department of Transportation,

Why are you digging up all of the roads that I drive on?

Signed,

Late for everything due to the amount of road construction everywhere I go.






Dear middle aged man who just cut me off on the freeway,

Are you aware that the cute little red convertible that you are driving doesn't hide the fact that you are bald?

And fat.

Signed,
Not impressed




Dear Justin Bieber's hairstylist,

Stop that! Please!

Perhaps your talents would be better used on old fat men trying to hide their bald spots, in fact, the other day I was nearly hit on the road by a guy that could have used your services.

Signed,
Step away from the hair dryer!


Dear Diet Dr. Pepper,

You are awesome!

Signed,

Your jittery friend.

12 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I think the entire universe is sick right now. I am on day two of a horrible sore throat.

Stacy Q said...

Love the letters!

Please add,

Dear Gum Chewer who left their gum behind,

@#$)(*#%)@*%#)@(#*$)@#(#$#%@&%*$!!!

From the lady in the swimsuit who unknowingly sat on it (me) who then put on her really cute new sarong and then sat down again, effectively compressing the gum between the two layers of cloth and adhering them semi-permanently together.

just call me jo said...

Hail to Musinex. I know. I know! It saved me from certain suffocation a while ago. I began to think I was addicted just because I loved it so much. Loved your letters. Justin Beiber's stylist should be put in the convertible with the bald man and both shout drive over a cliff like Thelma and Louise.

M-Cat said...

Fantastic letters! And serio - whodoes Mucinex think it's kidding?

Me (aka Danielle) said...

Being sick is a real bite...

Great letters! I hope you get feeling better soon!

Me said...

Mucinex-D is wonderful!! Fixes all my colds but you have to get it behind the counter....I loved the letters!

Alison Wonderland said...

Seriously, Justin beiber's hair, what's the deal?

utmomof 5 said...

Ditto.

rocslinger said...

Your convertable driving "friend" is giving all us fat bald men a bad name.

Yes, Diet DrPepper you are totally awesome.

Signed,
Twice as jittery

Melinda said...

HAHA! I could totally write a million and one letters to the universe--especially when I'm driving! Why do drivers annoy me so much? Oh I remember, because almost all of them are ridiculous and dangerous! So of course the fat bald man had me laughing out loud! :)

mommeeof10 said...

To the idiots that frequently cut me off when I am driving Big Red (15 passenger 3500 chevy van) Do you really think I can stop an almost 6000 pound vehicle on a dime? And, what do you think your little plastic car will look like after I fail to stop?

Jen said...

I have allergies right now, and I keep meaning to email my midwife about what I can take. And then I forget, until the next sneezing coughing frenzy.

I second-sign the fashion police letter in case you need backup, officer.