Wearing red high heels doesn't automatically make you patriotic

This post should have been written several weeks ago, but it wasn't so just deal with it :)

On the fourth of July, we took the kids to a local minor league baseball game because they were going to have fireworks at the end of the game, and it had been a while since we had taken the kids to see fireworks (other than the ones we would do in our driveway)

We had some pretty good seats, front row, just behind the visiting team's bullpen. We sat and enjoyed most of the game, the weather was perfect, the kettle corn delicious, and the home team was winning.

Around the end of the 6th inning a couple walked toward us. The girl was wobbling along in super high red heels, denim daisy duke shorts and a super tight tank top. She stopped in front of us, put one hand on her hip and wiggled two fake fingernail-tipped fingers at me and Max, and said "WE are sitting there!"

I thought this was really strange, because, obviously, I was sitting there and so was Max, while she was standing in front of us with a really big attitude.....

Her date leaned toward her and said, "No, we're on the row behind them."

She pulled a face and then strutted past us.

Her date looked quite embarrassed and apologized to us as he followed her.

She sat in the seat directly behind us and her date told her that she needed to slide one more seat over. "WHY, aren't these our seats either?" the lady sitting next to her had her toddler daughter on her lap and said "Actually, that's our seat, but she probably won't be sitting in it, she wants to sit on my lap, so you can stay there if you want"

The girl (we'll call her "Ditsy") then made a very loud comment about how stupid the music was, because back when she worked at this ball park as a teenager, they only played awesome music.

Ditsy then told her date that she needed a beer. He said "We just sat down, I'll go get you one when this inning is over." The lady on the other side of them overheard this and told them that they usually stopped selling beer after the seventh inning, so they might want to go get it now.

For the next half inning, the game was quite enjoyable, without the running commentary of Ditsy, however, when they came back, it started up again.

"Here, she said to the lady next to them, I hope you like Budweiser!" and she thrust a large glass of beer toward her.

"Oh........ummmm...I don't drink."

Ditsy turned to her date and said "SEE! I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T DRINK!" then she sat down and proceeded to start drinking her beer.

The non drinking lady next to her turned out to be quite a loyal fan of the home team. She was able to tell us all about the players and kept Ditsy informed on all the rules of the game.

(which seemed strange to me since she had worked there for several years as a teenager, in fact, to hear Ditsy tell about that time, she practically ran the place)

Just then, a foul ball was hit in our direction.

"OH LOOK!" yelled Ditsy "It's a FLY BALL!"

"Actually" said Baseball fan lady (from now on referred to as BFL)"It's a foul ball"

"Fly ball, foul ball, same thing!"

"No" corrected BFL "They are not the same thing, a foul ball is when it goes out of bounds and is out of play."

Ditsy (who has now finished about half of her beer) says "Whatever...." then she says "You know, I really HATE BASEBALL! It's so boring, I never liked watching the games when I worked here."

Just then, a batter hit a line drive to the pitcher, who threw the ball to first base, and the batter was out.

The crowd cheered and Ditsy needed to know what happened. BFL said "They threw him out at first!"

'WHAT? THEY THREW MUD ON FIRST? WHY WOULD THEY THROW MUD ON FIRST? THAT'S STUPID!"

BFL then had to explain to her what happened, and that the batter was now out and would no longer be running around the bases, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Since we were sitting right by the visiting team's bullpen, we were able to watch the pitcher warming up. He was doing various stretches and Ditsy said "WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING WITH HIS ARMS?

BFL then had to explain to her about how he was warming up his muscles so he could throw the ball better and have a lower chance of injury, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

BFL continued conversations with Ditsy, explaining to her everything that was happening and at one point after a certain exciting play, Ditsy was screaming "What happened? What happened?" and after BFL explained it to her she said "That's why I HATE BASEBALL because the ball goes so fast I can't see where it's going!"

Then Ditsy started to talk about herself "I'm just finishing up my degree in public relations!" she excitedly told BFL who asked her what kind of work she planned on doing after graduating. "Well." said Ditsy "Believe it or not, I'm thinking about going to LAW SCHOOL!"

Then turning back to the game she said "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Finally, the end of the game came, (along with the end of Ditsy's beer, and I suspect a good amount of the extra beer...) the home team won, and everyone in the general admission seats in the grass on the other side of the outfield needed to move onto the playing field because the fireworks were being launched too close to where they were sitting. This took quite a while to get everyone moved, and Ditsy spent the whole time rambling on about herself.

When everyone was seated safely on the field and the lights went out for the fireworks, Ditsy leaned over to her date and loudly whispered "I HAVE TO PEE!" He said "The fireworks are starting now, can't you wait until they're over? (Obviously, they had only come for the fireworks, there's no way they came to watch the game because remember, she HATES BASEBALL)

"HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THEM TO BE OVER?" She asked her date.

BFL leaned over and said "They put on one of the best firework displays in the city, it could be 30-40 minutes long."

"I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" Ditsy said, then proceeded to climb over the family next to them and teeter up the stairs, going as fast as she could with her knees stuck together, just as the fireworks were starting.

She wasn't gone long (or at least long enough.......) and returned to her seat and grabbed the glass with the remaining beer in it.

She watched the fireworks and continued to drink the beer, and then started using some rather foul language, which could still be heard quite clearly over the loud booms of the fireworks (fortunately, after the first firework, Max climbed into my lap, closed his eyes and covered his ears and missed her language)

The lady with the toddler must have glared at her because then I heard Ditsy say "IF YOU WANT US TO BE QUIET, JUST TELL US! DON'T KEEP LOOKING AT US! WE DON'T HAVE KIDS!"

I have no idea what not having kids had to do with anything, but I guess it seemed like an important point to Ditsy, who then continued with her profane language.

The young mom must have looked at her again because then Ditsy said.....

"STOP LOOKING AT US! IF YOU LOOK AT US AGAIN I'M GOING TO THROW BEER IN YOUR FACE!!! DO YOU WANT BEER IN YOUR FACE? LOOK AT US AGAIN AND I'LL THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!!

Nobody dared look at her after that.

The fireworks ended, and everyone cleared out of the stands.

When we left, I saw Ditsy waiting for her date, outside of the men's restroom, chugging what was left of the beer.

I only hope she didn't drive home.....

Truth in advertising? Bait and switch? Just plain not paying attention? First day on the job?

This is what I ordered.......

(the one on the bottom left, the hot fudge sundae shake)

And this is what I got.

Top ten things overheard from untalented people on America's Got talent (and any other reality talent contests on television)

10. My grandmother thinks I'm really talented.

9. I want this more than anyone else!

8. I've been working for this my whole life!

7. This means more to me than anything!

6. This is what I was born to do!

5. This is all I've ever wanted to do for my whole life!

4. This is my destiny! I've wanted this my whole life!

3. I've sacrificed so much, I've wanted this my whole life!

2. I've had this dream for as long as I can remember!

1. PLEASE!! JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE! I'VE WANTED THIS MY WHOLE LIFE! I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING! PLEASE! LET ME TRY IT AGAIN! I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!!!

Slow news day.....

I haven't had much to blog about the last few days, so here's a post I wrote several years ago.

*****************************************************************

61 bits of wisdom

One thing I have learned from being a parent is that my kids will always find some way to blame me for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.

Here are 61 other things that I have learned since I have become a mom.

1. It IS possible for a two year old to memorize three ENTIRE episodes of Spongebob. (Does that make me a bad mom?)
2. A band-aid will make a bruise feel better.
3. Whenever you really do need a band-aid, they will be all gone.
4. A two year old can get the lid off of a huge, brand new Costco bottle of shampoo, and dump it all down the drain without making a single sound.
5. Your child who will always eat ANYTHING will suddenly decide that lasagna is "yucky" while you are visiting your inlaws, and your MIL has spent the entire day making homemade lasagna.
6. If you decide to go ahead and get the really expensive front row seats for the circus, so your two year old can see everything up close, he will fall asleep in the first ten minutes, and miss the whole thing.
7. No matter where you hide your make up, it will never be safe from your toddler.
8. Two year old girls believe that mascara goes directly on their cheeks, eyeliner on their lips, and lipstick is to be firmly twisted inside the cap.
9. It is possible to get nail polish out of hair.
10. The worse the word your child has learned, the more likely he is to use it during a quiet moment in church. (In my defense, he learned the word from a neighbor and made up a little song with it. Sang it in church, he did)
11. Macaroni is flammable.
12. As soon as you take your sick, feverish, limp and listless child to the doctor, the fever will disappear, and the child will run around the waiting room at full speed.
13. Even if you are positive that your baby does not know how to drink from a straw, they will figure it out if you let them chew on the straw in your Diet Coke, and you won't notice until almost half of it is gone.
14. Caffeine will keep babies awake.
15. WD 40 removes crayon from walls.
16. Tape will not fix broken crayons.
17. Tape will not fix broken crackers.
18. A toddler does not understand that tape will not fix broken crayons or crackers.
19. You will always be out of tape.
20. Babies do not like it when you are wearing a clean shirt.
21. A child can survive indefinitely eating nothing but mac-n-cheese.
22. If a child leans on the screen door long enough, it WILL break, and you will spend the next 3 hours in the emergency room getting his chin stitched up.
23. If you leave a toddler alone just long enough to go to the bathroom, he will climb on the kitchen table, and fall off, and you will spent the next two hours going to the doctor to get the gash in his ear glued back together.
24. If you have toys scattered all over the floor, and you buy a nice toybox to put all the toys in, the kids will take all the toys out of the toybox and scatter them on the floor, so they can play IN the toybox.
25. Even if you feed your kids a full seven course meal right before you take them to grandma's house, as soon as they walk in the door, they will be hungry.
26. Grandma will always feed the kids anything they want.
27. Even though the diaper box says "Up to 10 pounds" the diaper won't really hold that much poop.
28. It's not a good idea to wash disposable diapers.
29. If you do accidentally wash a disposable diaper, it takes forever to get all of the little gel pieces off of the clothes, and out of the washer.
30. Polly Pocket shoes are edible.
31. Bananas don't flush.
32. Polly Pocket clothes do.
33. Toothbrushes flush just far enough that you can't reach in and pull them out, but not so far that they won't cause the toilet to clog.
34. It costs over $200.00 for a plumber to come in and remove two toilets from the floor, and retrieve the toothbrushes.
35. Toddlers don't really care where a toothbrush has been.
36. A sequin can make it all the way through a child's digestive system.
37. Even if a child swears that they have no homework, they usually do.
38. If you think that a child might have homework, look in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, or under the cushions on the couch, you will probably find it there.
39. Spend the extra money for the leather seats in your car. It's so much easier to clean up if you have kids who are prone to carsickness.
40. Always travel with a bucket, a roll of paper towels, and a can of Lysol.
41. If you give your children Benadryl because your doctor recommends it for carsickness, it will just make them throw up purple.
42. Apparently, I don't know anything.
43. A twelve year old boy can eat an entire pizza.
44. It's always my fault when someone can't find their shoes.
45. Children really like to play with the controls on the refrigerator, so your lettuce will always be frozen.
46. After your child gets himself a popcicle always check the freezer in the garage to make sure the door is closed so it won't stay open all night, and you lose a freezer full of frozen food.
47. You will never know where all of your pens are.
48. While potty training, a child can sit on the potty for an hour and nothing will happen until 5 minutes after you put a diaper back on him.
49. Floods happen.
50. Butter isn't just for eating.
51. A toddler considers themselves fully dressed if they are wearing nothing but a hat, gloves and cowboy boots.
52. Toddlers like to undress themselves pretty much anywhere.
53. It is possible for a four year old to trash your internet off of your computer.
54. Four year olds think it's funny to watch mommy scream because they have trashed the internet from the computer.
55. Computer passwords are a good thing.
56. Kid's safety scissors can cut more than you might think.
57. Never leave any important documents where a toddler can get to them.
58. Toddlers love paper shredders.
59. No matter how many times you put your books away in the bookshelves, five minutes later, they will be all over the floor.
60. If you just got new tile, and you haven't sealed the grout yet, and a child gets tired of his grape popcicle, and puts it in a cup, the popcicle will melt, the cup will spill onto the unsealed grout, and it will leave a stain.
61. No matter what I have learned from having my kids, I wouldn't trade them for anything!!

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My kids are older now, and over the last few years they've taught me many more little bits of wisdom. Tune in next time to see what they are.

A teenager's guide to Facebook

Dear average teenager,

So your parents have finally relented and allowed you to have your own facebook page.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now that you have joined all of your friends in the online world, there are many things you should know to enhance your social networking experience. Here is a checklist of things that teenagers must use when posting on Facebook.

Item #1 pictures:

Here is a list of pictures that you will be required to post on Facebook. (Should be taken in the bathroom mirror if at all possible)

1. Picture of yourself sticking your lips out like you are trying to imitate a duck. (This may be misinterpreted as making a kissy face, however, I think that "duck lips" is a more accurate description of the appearance one gives while making this face)

A variation of this photo would be to have yourself, along with one or more of your friends making this same face.

You must also include several shots of you (alone and with your friends) making this face and the peace sign at the same time.

Extra points if you are taking this picture with all of you in the bathroom mirror.

2. Picture of you making a funny face. Sneering is the most popular, however sticking out your tongue is a close second.

3. Multiple pictures of you and your friends making funny faces with the camera mere inches from your face. This one might be difficult to do in the bathroom mirror. These photos should be altered with different effects in photoshop and posted with every single effect that you can find. Please post as many of these as possible, because they are awesome.

4. Close up photo of you bending over in a low necked shirt. At least one of these should be taken with "duck lips"

Item #2. Posting:

1. Leave random song lyrics as your status at least 4 times a week.

2. Never spell out entire words. Shorten everything. Never type out the word "you" when "u" gets the point across.

3. When updating your status, be sure to be as cryptic as possible. The less that your friends understand your status update, the more likely they are to leave multiple comments, and text you to see what's going on.
Remember, it's all about the attention you can get.

4. It is required that you have frequent conversations on FB with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be as sickeningly sweet as possible. For example:

Your status: (Insert name) Loves her/his sweetheart XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

comment: (Insert name of BF/GF) I love u 2!!

you: cant wate 2 c u!

comment: (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) kiss kiss kiss!!!

5. Be sure to keep up with your relationship status on an hourly basis, going from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to back to "in a relationship" and back to "single" multiple times a day."

6. At least once a week, post about how much you hate your life, so your friends will comment on how great you are.

7. Friends. Remember, the goal of Facebook is to collect as many friends as possible. It doesn't matter if you really know the people on your friends list, it's the number that matters. The more the better.

Besides, with all of the personal information that you are posting, don't you want as many people as possible to know about it?

8. Quizzes and videos, link to as many as possible! (Virusus, shmirusus, clicking on random links has never been absolutely proven to cause a virus to infect your computer)

9. Be sure to let everyone know where you are and where you are going at all times!

10. Spelling. It doesn't really matter how you spell stuff. Words such at "their, they're and there are all very interchangeable.

11. It's quite acceptable to have private conversations with your friends on Facebook. Remember, even though whatever you write is posted to your wall, it doesn't always mean that the person from school that you are talking about will ever see it, right?

Good luck young teenager! Also remember to post and tag the most embarrassing pictures of your friends that you can find!!

(I'm pretty sure that college admittance committees, future employers and parents will never see anything you have posted on Facebook)

Contest winner!! And the new business I am starting so my kids will have something to do this summer besides play the Wii

The object found in the backseat of my car was....




drumroll please...............................






ONE HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH!!!!


The winner is M-cat who guessed

"A stale pb&j from 2007 that now resembles more like mold with some brown and purple mixed in. "

Even though she didn't guess the correct kind of sandwich, she did mention mold, so she is the winner!!

I'm so glad I thought of this contest, at first I was just going to glue googly eyes on the furry sandwich and sell it on eBay as some exotic pet, but after the overwhelming response I received* it gave me an idea for a new business!

I will send moldy food to anyone you would like! (or dislike, as the case may be)

I figure this is a win/win thing for me because I haven't cleaned out my refrigerator for a while, and my kids need something to do this summer. What better thing than to have them clean all of the leftovers out of the fridge, gift wrap them and package them up to be shipped to unsuspecting people!

You have several different options for shipping.

FedEx overnight/second or third day delivery - for emergencies
USPS priority/or flat rate box - not as much of an emergency, but the best value for your dollar. (Those flat rate boxes will ship up to 70 lbs for one low price!!**)
Slow boat to China - When it doesn't need to be there immediately, but the extra time will allow it to become even more disgusting.

You know that co-worker who annoys you, send them a slice of what is almost still distinguishable as lasagna!
Or the person who gossiped about you, send them a bag of liquefied lettuce!
The neighbor who's stupid dog barks all night long? Send them a package of moldy hot dogs!!***
Just think of the possibilities if you could just learn the address of that guy that cut you off on the freeway!!

Act now, and send in an order before all of the good stuff is taken!!!!!


My kids are going to love this idea!****




*not really.
**I know that you do need to declare if you are shipping hazardous substances, I'm not really sure how you would classify moldy food.
***Allow up to three weeks for special orders.
****Not really.

It's a contest!!! AND A GIVEAWAY!!!!!

Yesterday I discovered the object that was making that funky smell in my car.


If you can guess what it is and how long it's been there you'll win!!!!!!


The winner will receive the object, gift wrapped and sent to the enemy of their choice.


Leave your guesses in the comments.

I will also answer yes or no questions in the comments :)