It's a Christmas shopping miracle!! (Miracle #2 if you're keeping count)

Our three youngest kids started Christmas break this week, so today I took them to Costco to load up on the samples so I wouldn't need to feed them lunch. (seriously, they had a sample of the best clam chowder!)

I also planned to buy a few Christmas gifts while we were there, specifically two movies that I was looking for, and I knew that Costco would most likely have the best price for them.

When we first walked in the store we went directly to the DVD section, and we split up to look for the two movies.

We thoroughly scoured the shelves, looking for the two DVDs then finally came to the conclusion that Costco just didn't sell these two movies.

We walked through the store and completed the rest of our shopping. (and samples, we tried every one of the samples) I was disappointed that we hadn't found the movies because now I would need to stop at yet another store on the way home.

As we headed toward the check stand, I remembered that we needed Oreos. (what, you don't ever have a situation where you NEED Oreos?)

We wove through the different aisles and dodged the many overfilled shopping carts until we found the Oreos.

We put two boxes in our cart. (Hey, I said we needed them)

As we turned around to go to the Check stand, Brielle noticed something on top of some boxes of granola bars.

"Hey mom, look! Isn't that one of the movies that we were looking for?"

Sure enough, sitting right there was the first movie.

I picked it up and inspected it in disbelief, then I noticed another movie just a little farther back on the granola bars. I turned it over, and it was the second movie we were looking for!

(You just got tingles going down your spine, didn't you?)

I was in disbelief. I even dragged the kids back to look through the DVDs one more time, just to see where we had missed the movies, but we couldn't find any more of them, anywhere.

It seems that we found (and purchased) the last two of those movies in the store.

It's a Christmas shopping miracle!!

It's a Christmas chocolate candy miracle!!!!

Last night I opened the kitchen closet and sitting there right in plain sight, and at my eye level, was an unopened package of Cadbury Christmas candy! (solid milk chocolate in a candy shell, to be exact)

Here's the deal, I don't remember buying it (seriously, as if I would forget buying chocolate) and no one else will admit to putting it there.

I do believe in Santa Claus!!

How many family members does it take to pull out the wiggly tooth of a very whiny six year old?

Three.

#1 to tie the string around his tooth and the other end of the string to the door.

#2 to hold the kid's head still.

#3 to slam the door.

Yes, Max has lost his first tooth! (or had it forcibly removed.............)

It was most definitely ready to come out, the new tooth has already popped through. Now if we can just trick him into letting us tie the string around the other loose tooth.

The reason why someone in our family will be getting an entire case of scotch tape for Christmas.

Today the kids were making ornaments to decorate the new Christmas tree that we got for our kitchen. (What, don't you have a tree in your kitchen?) (OK, so I may or may not have purchased the tree as incentive* for the kids to do something that I wanted them to do) (and I like having a tree** in the kitchen) I had planned to decorate the tree with chili peppers or something like that, but today the offspring*** were too excited and decided to take matters into their hands and use a case of printer paper to make ornaments for the new tree.

They made tons of snowflakes, a big paper chain and a really cool star for the top.

Max is an amazing kid, if he has access to a bunch of paper, scissors, tape, crayons and a stapler, there is no limit to what this kid can create.

Earlier today, Max was working on a new creation for the tree when it appeared that he needed some tape. He asked everyone if we knew where the tape was.

Due to the fact that Max is generally the only one who uses tape, none of the rest of us knew where it was.

I even checked in my super secret tape hiding place, and there wasn't any tape there. (apparently, Max discovered my super secret tape hiding place)

Max was continually growing more agitated, and kept asking us where the tape was. (because everyone knows that asking someone the same thing over and over and over will make them know the answer)

"Where is the tape?"

"Who hid the tape?"

"Why won't anybody help me find the tape?"

"Why am I the only one looking for the tape?"

And finally.........

"IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I'M THE ONLY ONE LOOKING FOR THE TAPE!!!"

I calmly suggested that he look in his room because he WAS the last one to use the tape.

"IT'S NOT IN MY ROOM!!! SOMEBODY TOOK IT!! I NEED THE TAPE!! WHY ISN'T ANYBODY HELPING ME LOOK FOR THE TAPE? IT'S NOT FAIR THAT NOBODY IS HELPING ME LOOK FOR THE TAPE!! WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS ............

Then he spotted the tape sitting on the kitchen table right next to where he was standing. "Oh there it is." he said simply, then grabbed it and walked away.

Here is what the tree looked like when the kids were finished. I actually like it! (The huge decorations kind of cover the fact that the tree is incredibly scrawny) The big square snowflakes were made by Max.

*Some people prefer to call it bribery, however, I feel that bribery is such an ugly word.

Bribery is when someone says "I'll give this to you if you do something for me" and incentive is when someone says "Do this for me, and I will give you this"

See, completely different.

**And I use the term "tree" very loosely. It was $20 at Wal Mart

***The boys actually wanted to drape the tree with cords and cables from multiple electronic devices.

Things I learned at church today

Last night we got a phone call asking if we could substitute teach Max's Primary (Sunday school) class today because his regular teachers were sick.

I've heard it said that the person who teaches the lesson usually learns more than the ones being taught.

This is true, today I learned several interesting things from this group of six year olds.

Things I learned at church today

#1 Ashley's little sister likes to stick her hands in the toilet.

#2 Jeremy's little brother has eaten poop.

#3. Brinley's baby sister is turing one next week, and her mom is pregnant.

Spam spies?

I have been getting emails from Groupon for a while now.

I can't remember if I actually signed up to get these, of if they got my email address by less ethical ways, either way, I've been getting at least one email a day from Groupon.

At first, they were offering me deals on things such as salon services, massages, weekend getaway packages at nice hotels. They also told me about discounts I could get at nice restaurants, flower shops and theaters.

A few weeks ago, I started to notice a trend in the type of deals being offered to me.

First I received several offers for a discount on lipo/laser treatments.

Next, they sent me offers for a discount on teeth whitening.

At first I didn't think much of it, but then over the next week, I recieved offers for laser hair removal, Botox, Microdermabrasion, sunless tanning and yoga classes.*

I began to wonder if someone from Groupon was stalking me..........

I really began to worry when they suggested I get a good deal on their carpet shampooing and house cleaning services.

Have Groupon spies been in my home???

I really hope that they haven't been spying on me, especially after getting the email, letting me know of the great deal I can get on"colon hydrotherapy."

*I'm choosing to be offended.

Halloween recap

This year Halloween was a little different because my kids school had all of their Halloween festivities on Friday :0)

Usually this would mean that I would be staying up late, working on costumes Thursday night instead of the night before Halloween, however, CJ is too old to go Trick-or-treating (plus, at 6'4" he looks even older than 16) Brielle wasn't allowed to wear a costume for school, and Max decided to use one of CJ's old costumes.

This meant that I only had to make one costume!!

I was excited about this, because Aaron's costume would be super easy. (I may or may not have thrown it together Friday morning)

Apparently, it was also super difficult to understand. No one in our neighborhood could figure out what he was.

Here it is, can anyone guess what his costume is?

I will be quite impressed by the first person who guesses correctly.

Max's costume was perfect for him because...

1) It's his favorite food

2) It was already made and I didn't have to do anything.

3) It was padded so every time he tripped (because the costume was a little big on him) the padding would break his fall.

There is a hole for his face, however, he was being shy.

CJ stayed home and handed out candy. I wanted him to dress as a vampire, but he was being a bit of a party pooper.

He also handed out too much candy* because we ran out!**

The best part of the evening was when we had one piece of candy left and Max waited at the door to pass out the last piece.

A large group of kids came to the door and Max waved around the package of Whoppers and said "ONLY ONE OF YOU IS GETTING CANDY!!" He dropped the candy in the bucket of the little girl at the front of the group, then turned the candy bowl upside down "SEE! IT'S ALL GONE!" Then closed the door.

Due to the fact that I didn't need to make costumes yesterday, I was able to make some treats. A friend posted the link to this recipe for pumpkin muffins on Facebook, and I knew I had all of the ingredients,*** so I decided to make them.

They are FABULOUS! Pumpkin with cream cheese filling! MMMMM!

They were really good! They even looked good, and with my track record of making really ugly food, I felt that this was an accomplishment.

I didn't realize until last night that I accidentally put twice as much pumpkin in the recipe than it called for. I guess I just assumed that I should use a large can instead of a smaller one. They were really moist and delicious, so I think I'll double the pumpkin every time I make them.

I do have on bit of helpful advice if you decide to make these delicious muffins. When you are mixing the pumpkin/sugar/eggs on low speed in your electric mixer, be sure that when you turn the mixer off, you actually turn it off and don't accidentally turn it on high.

You will end up with pumpkin all over yourself and almost everything in your kitchen.

Trust me on this one.

*We had more kids come to our house this year than ever before. I think this was due to the really nice weather and the dozens of carloads of kids being brought to our neighborhood from who knows where. Apparently, when a few of the neighbors start handing out full size candy bars, and word gets around.

**The candy I don't like ran out. The bag of Three Musketeers was left untouched in the kitchen.

***Not really, I ended up going to the store halfway through making these to get salt, pumpkin pie spice and powdered sugar.

Quite possibly the best Max quote EVER!

Yesterday my husband was teasing Max, and he asked him if he had a girlfriend.

Max grinned and said "I like Kate!"

When I commented that he was a little too young to have a girlfriend he said........

"Look, if I don't start meeting girls now, I'm going to live in this house FOREVER!"

If yoga people can't cough, can they sing and dance at Wal Mart?

Max has spent the last three weeks in first grade, and appears to be doing just fine. I kept trying to convince him that he was going to miss me too much and I should come with him to school, but he is quite sure that I shouldn't be there.

I even offered to join him for lunch and stay for the second half of the day but he appears to be adamantly against me doing that.
He is even opposed to me standing outside and watching him through the windows.

Deep down I think he really misses me.

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Just out of curiosity, how long do you usually wave your hand in front of the towel dispenser in a public restroom before realizing that it isn't automatic and you actually need to turn the handle to get the towel out?

Not that I've ever done that.

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Earlier today I found Aaron in the kitchen holding a funnel with a balloon attached to it. He hid behind the counter and filled the balloon with flour.

He was dissapointed that he wasn't able to fill the balloon completely, but then he got a wicked grin on his face and said "Hey, I bet if I filled up a few hundred of these, sat them on the lawn then run over them with the mower, it would make a HUGE MESS!"

This is the same child who came up to me a few months ago and asked me if I could get him some liquid nitrogen.*

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Over the last few weeks, I have found a need to outlaw unnecessary sounds in our house. It's amazing how many sounds are made around here for apparently no reason whatsoever.

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Last night while the kids were finishing up with their homework, I laid on the couch and must have fallen asleep and dreamed that Aaron was in a yoga class because when he coughed loudly and woke me up, I yelled at him "YOGA PEOPLE DON'T COUGH!"**

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For some strange reason, I usually end up at Wal Mart every Saturday night with anywhere from one to four kids.
Saturday night at the Wal Mart is an interesting experience. During the shopping, Aaron generally spends his time dancing around, trying to get caught on the security cameras and having his picture posted on People of Walmart dot com.***
There is usually at least one motor home camped out in the parking lot, sometimes more. It's fun to watch how these campers make themselves at home there, we've even seen some set up a barbecue and patio furniture next to their RV.


Last Saturday night was a little bit special, however, because as we had finished our shopping experience and left the building, we were greeted by this.****

*Yes, he sometimes frightens me.

**Hey, you weren't there, it made perfectly good sense before I woke up completely.

***What can I say, at least he has a goal.

****I'm not even sure that they were all playing the same song.

Top two Max quotes of the week

#1

Max: "Last year I was in Kindergarten and I didn't have a life. This year I'm in first grade and I have a life."

Me: "What is different this year?

Max: "Well, last year all I did was play Mario Kart, this year I go to school all day and play Mario Kart."

#2

Me:" Max, You are so cute!"

Max: "NO I'm am not cute! Boys don't want to be cute, they want to be HOT! I'm HOT not cute!!"

Cheaters never win........or do they?

Mario Kart is a favorite Wii game at our house, Max has become an expert at maneuvering through all of the different tracks.

We recently set up the Wii so it will connect to the internet, and one benefit of this is that the kids are able to play Mario Kart online and race against people all over the world. It's been fun to see all of the places where the other players are from.

Last week, Aaron discovered a way to cheat and win every time he races. I asked him if he really felt OK doing this, and he said that from now on he would only do this at night when all of the other racers are from Japan.*

Tonight, Max was about to enter a race online, and asked Aaron how to cheat so he could win.

Brielle said "Max, you shouldn't cheat, that isn't very nice. Think about it, what would Jesus do?"

Max replies................... "Is Jesus Japanese?"

*Not sure why this would make cheating OK.

Edited to add: I just asked Aaron why cheating would be OK if the other players are from Japan, and he said that if he cheated and those he beat created an angry mob to come and beat him up, it should take a lot longer for the angry mob to get here from Japan than it would if it was an angry mob from around here.

And the award for the most creative excuse of the week goes to........

Me: "Aaron, go clean out your closet."

Aaron: "I can't."

Me: "And why can't you?"

Aaron: ....................

Me: ????

Aaron: "Frogs. There are frogs in my closet."

Me: "Frogs?"

Aaron: "Yes, frogs, and they're jumping around."

Me: ?????

Aaron: "They're jumping around all over my closet.........and....um..... they're poison dart frogs."

Me: "Poison dart frogs?"

Aaron: "Yes, I can't clean out my closet because there are poison dart frogs hopping around in my closet, but don't go and look because they will shoot poisoned darts at you and the poison will go into your body and make your arm fall off."

Me: "Aaron!"

Aaron: "What mom."

Me: "Go clean out your closet!"

Wearing red high heels doesn't automatically make you patriotic

This post should have been written several weeks ago, but it wasn't so just deal with it :)

On the fourth of July, we took the kids to a local minor league baseball game because they were going to have fireworks at the end of the game, and it had been a while since we had taken the kids to see fireworks (other than the ones we would do in our driveway)

We had some pretty good seats, front row, just behind the visiting team's bullpen. We sat and enjoyed most of the game, the weather was perfect, the kettle corn delicious, and the home team was winning.

Around the end of the 6th inning a couple walked toward us. The girl was wobbling along in super high red heels, denim daisy duke shorts and a super tight tank top. She stopped in front of us, put one hand on her hip and wiggled two fake fingernail-tipped fingers at me and Max, and said "WE are sitting there!"

I thought this was really strange, because, obviously, I was sitting there and so was Max, while she was standing in front of us with a really big attitude.....

Her date leaned toward her and said, "No, we're on the row behind them."

She pulled a face and then strutted past us.

Her date looked quite embarrassed and apologized to us as he followed her.

She sat in the seat directly behind us and her date told her that she needed to slide one more seat over. "WHY, aren't these our seats either?" the lady sitting next to her had her toddler daughter on her lap and said "Actually, that's our seat, but she probably won't be sitting in it, she wants to sit on my lap, so you can stay there if you want"

The girl (we'll call her "Ditsy") then made a very loud comment about how stupid the music was, because back when she worked at this ball park as a teenager, they only played awesome music.

Ditsy then told her date that she needed a beer. He said "We just sat down, I'll go get you one when this inning is over." The lady on the other side of them overheard this and told them that they usually stopped selling beer after the seventh inning, so they might want to go get it now.

For the next half inning, the game was quite enjoyable, without the running commentary of Ditsy, however, when they came back, it started up again.

"Here, she said to the lady next to them, I hope you like Budweiser!" and she thrust a large glass of beer toward her.

"Oh........ummmm...I don't drink."

Ditsy turned to her date and said "SEE! I TOLD YOU SHE DIDN'T DRINK!" then she sat down and proceeded to start drinking her beer.

The non drinking lady next to her turned out to be quite a loyal fan of the home team. She was able to tell us all about the players and kept Ditsy informed on all the rules of the game.

(which seemed strange to me since she had worked there for several years as a teenager, in fact, to hear Ditsy tell about that time, she practically ran the place)

Just then, a foul ball was hit in our direction.

"OH LOOK!" yelled Ditsy "It's a FLY BALL!"

"Actually" said Baseball fan lady (from now on referred to as BFL)"It's a foul ball"

"Fly ball, foul ball, same thing!"

"No" corrected BFL "They are not the same thing, a foul ball is when it goes out of bounds and is out of play."

Ditsy (who has now finished about half of her beer) says "Whatever...." then she says "You know, I really HATE BASEBALL! It's so boring, I never liked watching the games when I worked here."

Just then, a batter hit a line drive to the pitcher, who threw the ball to first base, and the batter was out.

The crowd cheered and Ditsy needed to know what happened. BFL said "They threw him out at first!"

'WHAT? THEY THREW MUD ON FIRST? WHY WOULD THEY THROW MUD ON FIRST? THAT'S STUPID!"

BFL then had to explain to her what happened, and that the batter was now out and would no longer be running around the bases, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Since we were sitting right by the visiting team's bullpen, we were able to watch the pitcher warming up. He was doing various stretches and Ditsy said "WHAT IS THAT GUY DOING WITH HIS ARMS?

BFL then had to explain to her about how he was warming up his muscles so he could throw the ball better and have a lower chance of injury, to which Ditsy replied "I HATE BASEBALL!"

BFL continued conversations with Ditsy, explaining to her everything that was happening and at one point after a certain exciting play, Ditsy was screaming "What happened? What happened?" and after BFL explained it to her she said "That's why I HATE BASEBALL because the ball goes so fast I can't see where it's going!"

Then Ditsy started to talk about herself "I'm just finishing up my degree in public relations!" she excitedly told BFL who asked her what kind of work she planned on doing after graduating. "Well." said Ditsy "Believe it or not, I'm thinking about going to LAW SCHOOL!"

Then turning back to the game she said "I HATE BASEBALL!"

Finally, the end of the game came, (along with the end of Ditsy's beer, and I suspect a good amount of the extra beer...) the home team won, and everyone in the general admission seats in the grass on the other side of the outfield needed to move onto the playing field because the fireworks were being launched too close to where they were sitting. This took quite a while to get everyone moved, and Ditsy spent the whole time rambling on about herself.

When everyone was seated safely on the field and the lights went out for the fireworks, Ditsy leaned over to her date and loudly whispered "I HAVE TO PEE!" He said "The fireworks are starting now, can't you wait until they're over? (Obviously, they had only come for the fireworks, there's no way they came to watch the game because remember, she HATES BASEBALL)

"HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THEM TO BE OVER?" She asked her date.

BFL leaned over and said "They put on one of the best firework displays in the city, it could be 30-40 minutes long."

"I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!" Ditsy said, then proceeded to climb over the family next to them and teeter up the stairs, going as fast as she could with her knees stuck together, just as the fireworks were starting.

She wasn't gone long (or at least long enough.......) and returned to her seat and grabbed the glass with the remaining beer in it.

She watched the fireworks and continued to drink the beer, and then started using some rather foul language, which could still be heard quite clearly over the loud booms of the fireworks (fortunately, after the first firework, Max climbed into my lap, closed his eyes and covered his ears and missed her language)

The lady with the toddler must have glared at her because then I heard Ditsy say "IF YOU WANT US TO BE QUIET, JUST TELL US! DON'T KEEP LOOKING AT US! WE DON'T HAVE KIDS!"

I have no idea what not having kids had to do with anything, but I guess it seemed like an important point to Ditsy, who then continued with her profane language.

The young mom must have looked at her again because then Ditsy said.....

"STOP LOOKING AT US! IF YOU LOOK AT US AGAIN I'M GOING TO THROW BEER IN YOUR FACE!!! DO YOU WANT BEER IN YOUR FACE? LOOK AT US AGAIN AND I'LL THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!!

Nobody dared look at her after that.

The fireworks ended, and everyone cleared out of the stands.

When we left, I saw Ditsy waiting for her date, outside of the men's restroom, chugging what was left of the beer.

I only hope she didn't drive home.....

Truth in advertising? Bait and switch? Just plain not paying attention? First day on the job?

This is what I ordered.......

(the one on the bottom left, the hot fudge sundae shake)

And this is what I got.

Top ten things overheard from untalented people on America's Got talent (and any other reality talent contests on television)

10. My grandmother thinks I'm really talented.

9. I want this more than anyone else!

8. I've been working for this my whole life!

7. This means more to me than anything!

6. This is what I was born to do!

5. This is all I've ever wanted to do for my whole life!

4. This is my destiny! I've wanted this my whole life!

3. I've sacrificed so much, I've wanted this my whole life!

2. I've had this dream for as long as I can remember!

1. PLEASE!! JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE! I'VE WANTED THIS MY WHOLE LIFE! I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING! PLEASE! LET ME TRY IT AGAIN! I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!!!

Slow news day.....

I haven't had much to blog about the last few days, so here's a post I wrote several years ago.

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61 bits of wisdom

One thing I have learned from being a parent is that my kids will always find some way to blame me for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.

Here are 61 other things that I have learned since I have become a mom.

1. It IS possible for a two year old to memorize three ENTIRE episodes of Spongebob. (Does that make me a bad mom?)
2. A band-aid will make a bruise feel better.
3. Whenever you really do need a band-aid, they will be all gone.
4. A two year old can get the lid off of a huge, brand new Costco bottle of shampoo, and dump it all down the drain without making a single sound.
5. Your child who will always eat ANYTHING will suddenly decide that lasagna is "yucky" while you are visiting your inlaws, and your MIL has spent the entire day making homemade lasagna.
6. If you decide to go ahead and get the really expensive front row seats for the circus, so your two year old can see everything up close, he will fall asleep in the first ten minutes, and miss the whole thing.
7. No matter where you hide your make up, it will never be safe from your toddler.
8. Two year old girls believe that mascara goes directly on their cheeks, eyeliner on their lips, and lipstick is to be firmly twisted inside the cap.
9. It is possible to get nail polish out of hair.
10. The worse the word your child has learned, the more likely he is to use it during a quiet moment in church. (In my defense, he learned the word from a neighbor and made up a little song with it. Sang it in church, he did)
11. Macaroni is flammable.
12. As soon as you take your sick, feverish, limp and listless child to the doctor, the fever will disappear, and the child will run around the waiting room at full speed.
13. Even if you are positive that your baby does not know how to drink from a straw, they will figure it out if you let them chew on the straw in your Diet Coke, and you won't notice until almost half of it is gone.
14. Caffeine will keep babies awake.
15. WD 40 removes crayon from walls.
16. Tape will not fix broken crayons.
17. Tape will not fix broken crackers.
18. A toddler does not understand that tape will not fix broken crayons or crackers.
19. You will always be out of tape.
20. Babies do not like it when you are wearing a clean shirt.
21. A child can survive indefinitely eating nothing but mac-n-cheese.
22. If a child leans on the screen door long enough, it WILL break, and you will spend the next 3 hours in the emergency room getting his chin stitched up.
23. If you leave a toddler alone just long enough to go to the bathroom, he will climb on the kitchen table, and fall off, and you will spent the next two hours going to the doctor to get the gash in his ear glued back together.
24. If you have toys scattered all over the floor, and you buy a nice toybox to put all the toys in, the kids will take all the toys out of the toybox and scatter them on the floor, so they can play IN the toybox.
25. Even if you feed your kids a full seven course meal right before you take them to grandma's house, as soon as they walk in the door, they will be hungry.
26. Grandma will always feed the kids anything they want.
27. Even though the diaper box says "Up to 10 pounds" the diaper won't really hold that much poop.
28. It's not a good idea to wash disposable diapers.
29. If you do accidentally wash a disposable diaper, it takes forever to get all of the little gel pieces off of the clothes, and out of the washer.
30. Polly Pocket shoes are edible.
31. Bananas don't flush.
32. Polly Pocket clothes do.
33. Toothbrushes flush just far enough that you can't reach in and pull them out, but not so far that they won't cause the toilet to clog.
34. It costs over $200.00 for a plumber to come in and remove two toilets from the floor, and retrieve the toothbrushes.
35. Toddlers don't really care where a toothbrush has been.
36. A sequin can make it all the way through a child's digestive system.
37. Even if a child swears that they have no homework, they usually do.
38. If you think that a child might have homework, look in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, or under the cushions on the couch, you will probably find it there.
39. Spend the extra money for the leather seats in your car. It's so much easier to clean up if you have kids who are prone to carsickness.
40. Always travel with a bucket, a roll of paper towels, and a can of Lysol.
41. If you give your children Benadryl because your doctor recommends it for carsickness, it will just make them throw up purple.
42. Apparently, I don't know anything.
43. A twelve year old boy can eat an entire pizza.
44. It's always my fault when someone can't find their shoes.
45. Children really like to play with the controls on the refrigerator, so your lettuce will always be frozen.
46. After your child gets himself a popcicle always check the freezer in the garage to make sure the door is closed so it won't stay open all night, and you lose a freezer full of frozen food.
47. You will never know where all of your pens are.
48. While potty training, a child can sit on the potty for an hour and nothing will happen until 5 minutes after you put a diaper back on him.
49. Floods happen.
50. Butter isn't just for eating.
51. A toddler considers themselves fully dressed if they are wearing nothing but a hat, gloves and cowboy boots.
52. Toddlers like to undress themselves pretty much anywhere.
53. It is possible for a four year old to trash your internet off of your computer.
54. Four year olds think it's funny to watch mommy scream because they have trashed the internet from the computer.
55. Computer passwords are a good thing.
56. Kid's safety scissors can cut more than you might think.
57. Never leave any important documents where a toddler can get to them.
58. Toddlers love paper shredders.
59. No matter how many times you put your books away in the bookshelves, five minutes later, they will be all over the floor.
60. If you just got new tile, and you haven't sealed the grout yet, and a child gets tired of his grape popcicle, and puts it in a cup, the popcicle will melt, the cup will spill onto the unsealed grout, and it will leave a stain.
61. No matter what I have learned from having my kids, I wouldn't trade them for anything!!

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My kids are older now, and over the last few years they've taught me many more little bits of wisdom. Tune in next time to see what they are.

A teenager's guide to Facebook

Dear average teenager,

So your parents have finally relented and allowed you to have your own facebook page.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Now that you have joined all of your friends in the online world, there are many things you should know to enhance your social networking experience. Here is a checklist of things that teenagers must use when posting on Facebook.

Item #1 pictures:

Here is a list of pictures that you will be required to post on Facebook. (Should be taken in the bathroom mirror if at all possible)

1. Picture of yourself sticking your lips out like you are trying to imitate a duck. (This may be misinterpreted as making a kissy face, however, I think that "duck lips" is a more accurate description of the appearance one gives while making this face)

A variation of this photo would be to have yourself, along with one or more of your friends making this same face.

You must also include several shots of you (alone and with your friends) making this face and the peace sign at the same time.

Extra points if you are taking this picture with all of you in the bathroom mirror.

2. Picture of you making a funny face. Sneering is the most popular, however sticking out your tongue is a close second.

3. Multiple pictures of you and your friends making funny faces with the camera mere inches from your face. This one might be difficult to do in the bathroom mirror. These photos should be altered with different effects in photoshop and posted with every single effect that you can find. Please post as many of these as possible, because they are awesome.

4. Close up photo of you bending over in a low necked shirt. At least one of these should be taken with "duck lips"

Item #2. Posting:

1. Leave random song lyrics as your status at least 4 times a week.

2. Never spell out entire words. Shorten everything. Never type out the word "you" when "u" gets the point across.

3. When updating your status, be sure to be as cryptic as possible. The less that your friends understand your status update, the more likely they are to leave multiple comments, and text you to see what's going on.
Remember, it's all about the attention you can get.

4. It is required that you have frequent conversations on FB with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Be as sickeningly sweet as possible. For example:

Your status: (Insert name) Loves her/his sweetheart XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

comment: (Insert name of BF/GF) I love u 2!!

you: cant wate 2 c u!

comment: (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) kiss kiss kiss!!!

5. Be sure to keep up with your relationship status on an hourly basis, going from "single" to "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to back to "in a relationship" and back to "single" multiple times a day."

6. At least once a week, post about how much you hate your life, so your friends will comment on how great you are.

7. Friends. Remember, the goal of Facebook is to collect as many friends as possible. It doesn't matter if you really know the people on your friends list, it's the number that matters. The more the better.

Besides, with all of the personal information that you are posting, don't you want as many people as possible to know about it?

8. Quizzes and videos, link to as many as possible! (Virusus, shmirusus, clicking on random links has never been absolutely proven to cause a virus to infect your computer)

9. Be sure to let everyone know where you are and where you are going at all times!

10. Spelling. It doesn't really matter how you spell stuff. Words such at "their, they're and there are all very interchangeable.

11. It's quite acceptable to have private conversations with your friends on Facebook. Remember, even though whatever you write is posted to your wall, it doesn't always mean that the person from school that you are talking about will ever see it, right?

Good luck young teenager! Also remember to post and tag the most embarrassing pictures of your friends that you can find!!

(I'm pretty sure that college admittance committees, future employers and parents will never see anything you have posted on Facebook)

Contest winner!! And the new business I am starting so my kids will have something to do this summer besides play the Wii

The object found in the backseat of my car was....




drumroll please...............................






ONE HALF OF AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH!!!!


The winner is M-cat who guessed

"A stale pb&j from 2007 that now resembles more like mold with some brown and purple mixed in. "

Even though she didn't guess the correct kind of sandwich, she did mention mold, so she is the winner!!

I'm so glad I thought of this contest, at first I was just going to glue googly eyes on the furry sandwich and sell it on eBay as some exotic pet, but after the overwhelming response I received* it gave me an idea for a new business!

I will send moldy food to anyone you would like! (or dislike, as the case may be)

I figure this is a win/win thing for me because I haven't cleaned out my refrigerator for a while, and my kids need something to do this summer. What better thing than to have them clean all of the leftovers out of the fridge, gift wrap them and package them up to be shipped to unsuspecting people!

You have several different options for shipping.

FedEx overnight/second or third day delivery - for emergencies
USPS priority/or flat rate box - not as much of an emergency, but the best value for your dollar. (Those flat rate boxes will ship up to 70 lbs for one low price!!**)
Slow boat to China - When it doesn't need to be there immediately, but the extra time will allow it to become even more disgusting.

You know that co-worker who annoys you, send them a slice of what is almost still distinguishable as lasagna!
Or the person who gossiped about you, send them a bag of liquefied lettuce!
The neighbor who's stupid dog barks all night long? Send them a package of moldy hot dogs!!***
Just think of the possibilities if you could just learn the address of that guy that cut you off on the freeway!!

Act now, and send in an order before all of the good stuff is taken!!!!!


My kids are going to love this idea!****




*not really.
**I know that you do need to declare if you are shipping hazardous substances, I'm not really sure how you would classify moldy food.
***Allow up to three weeks for special orders.
****Not really.

It's a contest!!! AND A GIVEAWAY!!!!!

Yesterday I discovered the object that was making that funky smell in my car.


If you can guess what it is and how long it's been there you'll win!!!!!!


The winner will receive the object, gift wrapped and sent to the enemy of their choice.


Leave your guesses in the comments.

I will also answer yes or no questions in the comments :)

Top ten things overheard when I was playing Mario Cart on the Wii with my kids

#10. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

#9. "HEY! YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! WHY ARE YOU GOING THE WRONG WAY!!"

#8. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

#7. "WHERE IN THE HECK IS THE B BUTTON? I CAN'T FIND THE B BUTTON!!!"

#6. "TURN AROUND MOM! YOU'RE STILL GOING THE WRONG WAY!!"

#5. "WHY DO YOU KEEP DRIVING ON THE GRASS?"

#4. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!! PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

#3. "YOU FELL OFF THE TRACK AGAIN?? WHY DO YOU KEEP FALLING OFF THE TRACK???"

#2. "PUSH THE B BUTTON!!"

And the #1 thing overheard when I was playing Mario cart on the Wii with my kids...........

"This is what happens when you try to teach stuff to old people."

Angry feet

This morning started out like any other morning. I woke up the older kids* then dragged Max out of bed.
Max is not a morning person (a trait he inherited from me) and I stood him up on the floor, holding on to him until his eyes opened a bit, and he stopped swaying.

"I'm awake mom" he croaked, then stumbled off to the bathroom.

I went back downstairs to wake up the other kids again (apparently they aren't morning people either) and when I came upstairs, Max was sitting on his bedroom floor, staring into space.

"Are you playing with your blocks instead of getting dressed?" I asked.

"No!" he growled, jumping up and grabbing his school pants.

Ten minutes later, I went back into his room to check on his progress.
He was now wearing pants, and holding a shirt.

Progress!

When I came back ten minutes later, his shirt was on and he was holding one of his tennis shoes.

"I can't find the other shoe!"

I helped him look all over his floor, behind his door (a favorite hiding place for his shoes) and under the blankets on his bed. (9 times out of 10 this is where we find his shoes) (seriously)

We couldn't find his other shoe.

I sent him to the kitchen to start eating his freshly toasted frozen waffle, and I continued to look for his other shoe.

Logically, I thought that it would probably be somewhere near the place where he found the other shoe, I looked under all of his block piles, behind the door again, in between all of his stuffed animals.......
I even looked under his pillow (remembering that time when I was Max's age and didn't want to go to school, so I hid my shoes under my pillow)

The shoe was nowhere to be found!

The time was getting late, so I grabbed his church shoes and brought them out to the kitchen.

"Sorry Max, I couldn't find your other shoe, you'll have to wear these."

"BUT NONE OF THE OTHER KIDS WEAR THEIR CHURCH SHOES TO SCHOOL!!"

The shoes are brown, and perfectly acceptable to wear to school. I pointed this out to him as I removed his one tennis shoe.

I looked up to see his arms folded across his chest in defiance, and he was wearing his angry eyes.

He refused to put the shoes on, so I put them on his feet for him. He spread his toes as wide as he could, just to make it as difficult as possible.

Fortunately, after raising his older brother, I knew how to deal with the uncooperative toes and still managed to get the shoes on, with Max giving me the evil eye the entire time.

"Oh yeah!" he growled "well then I just won't eat!" and he refused to eat any more of the waffle.

I guess he showed me.

And then I put his jacket on him, handed him his backpack, and he walked to the car...........very slowly........

Because, apparently, church shoes are incapable of moving as fast as tennis shoes.


When he gets home, I'm going to tell him that Naughty Bird ate his shoe.



* OK, CJ woke me up first so I could take him to school at 7:00, otherwise I would probably still be sleeping.....

Too many video games?

Yesterday I asked Max for a kiss on the cheek. As he leaned over to kiss me, I turned my head and planted one right on his lips.

He wiped off his mouth and said "OK mom, let's try it again!"

He tried to kiss my cheek, but again, I quickly turned my head and kissed his lips.

Frustrated, he said "Again, try it again!"

The third time, he was a little quicker, and I kissed his chin, then he said "OK, score for level 1, mom, 200, Max 100. Begin level 2, double points, and GO!"

When friends stop being friends

It's happened folks, I've recently discovered that I have been de-friended on Facebook.

I wouldn't have even known it, until I got a little suggestion that I add someone to my friends list, that was already on my friend list.

I laughed when I saw this, because, seriously, she's already on my friend list, and we've been friends IRL since first grade!

So, I clicked on her profile link, and I no longer have access to all of her information.

"This is strange" I thought "It must be some mistake!"

I looked at her friend list and I was not there!

It's true, I have been officially defriended.

Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? Was it because I continually ignored her requests to join her in Farmville, Mafia wars and all of the other games she invited me to play?
Was it because I never clicked on the link to find out what questions she answered about me?
Was it because I didn't come to her (fill in any multi-level-marketing company) party when she advertized it on Facebook and begged everyone to attend?
Was it because I never included a profile picture of myself, so she just had to look at that creepy sillouette whenever I made a comment?

What would make a person purposely eliminate someone from their list of friends.

I was rather perplexed.

I decided that she probably just left her computer logged on to Facebook, and her cat defriended me.

Stupid cat.

Then other friends from my list started appearing in the "friend suggestions" page on Facebook. Three of them to be exact, and I'm pretty sure that at least one of them does not have a cat, (and I doubt that dogs have that kind of dexterity)

Now I'm wondering what is the proper protocol for this type of situation. Here are my ideas.

1) Act completely oblivious to the fact that they have purposley eliminated me from thier friend list, and send a friend request to them. (multiple times if necessary)

2) Sit in front of the computer, staring at the friend list that I'm not on, and feel bad.

3) Go out for ice cream.

Your suggestions (and friend requests) would be appreciated.

The event which caused me to realize that I should never again consult my five year old son for fashion advice

Max has an incredible memory.
He is able to memorize and recall many things. This would be a skill that would prove to be rather useful in school, unfortunately, Max prefers to use this talent to memorize lines from his favorite movies. (sometimes it seems like he memorizes the whole movie....)

Last week I needed to go shopping to find a dress for a semi formal event that I will be attending. Now let me tell you that Max HATES shopping. If we have been in a store more than five minutes, he begins to whine....."Mommmmmm!* You're taking too long!"** Then proceeds to drag himself around behind me, making himself look as miserable as possible.

You get the picture.

I knew that I would need to take Max with me to the dress store, so before we went, I stopped to get Max his favorite lunch at McDonalds. He ate all of his food, and seemed quite happy. He hardly even flinched when I told him that we were going dress shopping.

As we were walking into the store I heard him mumbling "Can we order a pizza? No, you just ate lunch. Can we get stuffed crust? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH! Stuffed crust!"
I was about to tell him that I wasn't going to get him a pizza because he had just eaten lunch, but then I realized that he was reciting a scene from his current favorite movie "Despicable me"

I didn't think much of it, and we continued through the store, grabbing an armful of dresses for me to try on, with Max following behind me, whining about the fact that I was "taking too long, why are you taking so long mom? We've been here for-ev-errrrrrr!" then throwing in a few random scenes from the movie. I finally decided I was ready to go to the fitting rooms.

Max is too old to go inside the room with me, but too young to be left outside, so I took him in the fitting room, and he decided just to turn around and keep his nose in the corner while I was changing.
I tried on several dresses, but I didn't really like any of them. I finally tried one on that I liked, but it was a little tight. I asked Max "Hey buddy, what do you think? Does this dress look nice?"
Max turned around and looked at me. He paused, then he lifted his eyebrows, tilted his head and smiled so I thought he was going to say I looked nice, or that he liked the dress, and he said........

"OOOOOOOOHHHH! Stuffed crust!!"




*I've always been amazed at how Max can take the one syllable word "Mom" and turn it into 3 or 4 syllables.

**Max has not yet learned his father's technique to put a quick end to a miserable shopping trip. All he has to do is say "Just buy both of them*** and let's go."

***This works wonderfully for ME when I can't decide between two pairs of shoes, two purses, two dresses, two coats..........

Fool me once?

Today Brielle was trying to play a trick on Max. She told him to say "fork" ten times really fast.

Max said "Fork, fork, fork, fork, fork, fork, fork, fork, fork, fork."

Then she told him to say "fork" five times, really fast.

Max said "Fork, fork, fork, fork, fork."

Next, she told him to say "fork" really fast two times.

Max said "Fork, fork."

Then one time, really fast."

"FORK"

Then she told him to say "fork, r e a l l y s l o w............"

"Fffffffffffoooooooorrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkk."

Next, Brielle was ready for the punchline, and asked Max "What do you eat your soup with?"

Without hesitation, Max said "CRACKERS!!"

********************************************

Do you remember several years back when Max would use the word "also" at least three times in every sentence?

Do you remember how sad we were when he grew out of this adorable habit?

Well, never fear! Max has a new phrase! He begins EVERY sentence with..

"Well......... it's just that......."

Max: "Well, it's just that Aaron was being mean to me!"

Me: "What is he doing to be mean?"

Max: "Well, it's just that he won't let me play on the Wii!"

Me: "I told him to turn it off because it's time for bed."

Max: "Well, it's just that he turned it off and I didn't get to win!"

Aaron: "I let you finish the game first, mom told me to turn it off."

Max: "Well, it's just that I didn't win the game and I wanted to play it again until I won!"

Me: "It's bedtime, you've had plenty of time to play."

Max: "Well, it's just that I DIDN'T WIN AND I NEED TO WIN BEFORE I STOP PLAYING!"

Me: " NO, It's time to get your pajamas on."

Max: "Well, it's just that I don't know where my pajamas are!"

Me: "I washed them, they're in the dryer."

Max "Well, it's just that they shouldn't be in the dryer, they should be in my room!"

Me: "You could take them out of the dryer and put them in your room."

Max: "Well, it's just that I don't want to do that, I want to play the Wii!"

But tell me, Max, how do you REALLY feel about the snow?

We got hit with a snowstorm this afternoon.
As we were driving home in the storm Max says "I have 200 reasons why I don't like snow......

#1. Because it's cold.
#2. I don't like it.
#3. I don't like it.
#4. I don't like it.
#5. I don't like it.
#6. I don't like it.
#7. I don't like it.
And the rest are "I don't like it."

Video Vednesday

The reason why I'm going to stock up on Clorox wipes

I was listening to a local talk show on the radio and the host asked if you have ever wanted to let a friend listen to something on your iPod, but since you don't have any speakers, you have to both lean over next to the iPod, or each use one ear bud, something that looks strange and is uncomfortable (remember that phrase "looks strange, and is uncomfortable")

He said that you really don't need to do that because everyone is carrying a speaker with them at all times!

Naturally I was intrigued, so I continued listening.

Apparently, if you take the ear buds from your iPod, and shove each one up one of your nostrils, then open your mouth and close off your throat, like you're swallowing, the sound bounces around in your nasal cavity and is amplified as it comes out of your mouth!

Yes, I know that you are thinking "Wow! That is the coolest thing I've ever heard of!" (You're certainly NOT thinking that you would look strange and be uncomfortable)

Naturally, I mentioned this to my kids, and naturally, they decided to try this.

It really worked.

Now, it wasn't really loud, or at least not nearly as loud as my kids can be on their own, however, it was really funny to see Aaron with his earbuds (I refused to let him use mine) shoved up his nose, and music coming out of his mouth.

It also looked strange and uncomfortable.





Several hours later he came up to me and was complaining that his nose hurt and he couldn't figure out why........

Because I like it when my food stares back at me

A few days ago at lunchtime, Max asked me if he could have a corn dog. I was right in the middle of something, so I told him that if he would wait patiently for a few minutes, I would fix him a corn dog.

"Waiting patiently" to Max sometimes goes something like........

"MOM! MOM! I'M STARVING! I NEED A CORN DOG! I NEED A CORN DOG! PLEASE! PLEEEAAAASSSEEEE CAN YOU FIX ME A CORN DOG?!?! MOM! MOM ! MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!"

You get the picture.

Since I was still at a point in my project that I just couldn't drop everything to go and feed a corn dog to my "starving" child, I asked CJ to fix it for him.

He agreed to help, and I thought that the matter was taken care of.

Until several minutes later when Max came back into the room, sobbing, with CJ following.

"Mom" CJ complained "I fixed him a corn dog and now he's refusing to eat it!"

"Why?" I asked.

"He says it's because it doesn't look like a person!"

Max calmed down enough to agree.

I looked at CJ and said "Seriously? What's wrong with you? You made a corn dog and it doesn't look like a person?"

Max said "NO! He didn't make it look like a person!"

CJ shook his head at Max and said "Max, corn dogs don't look like people, they look like corn dogs!"

So I had to leave my project and fix the corn dog so that Max would eat it.

NATIONAL DE-LURKING DAY!!

It has just been brought to my attention that today is National De-Lurking day!

What is that you might ask?

It's when all of the people who lurk (read but don't comment) are encouraged to leave a comment.

Last year on this day, I had some of the best comments ever!

I also used my stat counter to get information to call out one of my readers who never commented. (I may have mentioned where they lived and their occupation) They commented, but have never been back.
To this person, I apologize, I didn't mean to drive you away. (not that they will see this, because as mentioned before, they haven't been back) (sigh)

Last year was so fun because I encouraged everyone to leave a comment as their favorite famous person! (Mostly so it would look like famous people were reading my blog)

I also suggested that if you couldn't think of anything to say, to just leave a really random comment such as......

"The moldy bird flies at midnight"
"Purple porcupines with rabies attack me in my sleep!"
"Target hates me!!"

Some of my favorite comments were;

Sarah Palin said...
WOW! You are amazingly funny! Your so lucky you have such creative kids. The crazy imagination leads to wonderful stories and memories. ~~~~In the 1800's, 'pants' was a dirty word in England


Barack Obama said...
I wanted to say that you have a fine blog, a bold blog, that tells the world what fine people Americans are. You are an outstanding example of the kind of person we should all seek to be. This is why I'm giving you my Nobel Peace Prize. You are that important.

George of the Jungle said...
You make me laugh. Max makes me laugh more.---It is against the law in Georgia to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. So what am I supposed to tie the giraffe to, I ask you?

Anderson Cooper said...
The dolphin is in the washing machine, I repeat, the dolphin is in the washing machine.


To whoever left that Anderson Cooper comment, just so you know, "The dolphin is in the washing machine" has become a favorite phrase at our house.

What can I say, we're a little strange around here.

Back to the whole de-lurking thing, leave a random comment as your favorite (or least favorite) famous person.

It's like all they ever do at school is sit around watching videos on YouTube.....

One of my kids brought this gem home today. Apparently, their teacher showed it to them in class.

I know there was some educational subject she was trying to teach, however, I can't figure out what.

It is really funny, it made me laugh, and I was in a grumpy mood.

The next thing I'm going to do is get Max to tell a story and we can make a video out of it.

Now all I need to do is figure out a way to make a really authentic looking "Naughty Bird" costume.......

Games children play

We got the kids a Wii for Christmas, and it has provided them hours and hours of entertainment and distraction from homework and chores.

The children have come up with a new game of their own! This seems to be their favorite game, and if I had known earlier how well they played this game and how much they enjoy this game, we might not have bothered with the Wii.

What game is this you ask? I will tell you that it requires much skill, a steady hand and an eye for balancing things.

It is the ever popular game called The Stacking Game!

I'm sure you are just dying to know how to play this game aren't you?

Well, here's how to play!!!

The object of the game is to see how much garbage can be stacked in the garbage can and/or how many dirty dishes can be stacked in the sink before someone else takes out the garbage and/or loads the dishwasher!!

Hours and hours of fun for all!!!

I have to admit that at times it can be quite suspenseful, watching the garbage bag stretch almost to the point of breaking, and seeing the precariously placed glass on top of the stack of tupperware, wondering what the last item placed on the pile will be to finally make it topple.......

I am amazed at how good the offspring are at playing this particular game!

There's got to be some sort of career out there where they can use this amazing skill. Someday I hope it will make them all rich and/or famous!

A weighty issue

Every year at Christmas time, I will make a 5 pound batch of fudge, give most of it away, (OK, some of it) and I will gain 10 pounds.

This year, I didn't make any fudge, nor did we get any treats from the neighbors, and I gained 5 pounds.

If tomorrow, I make 10 pounds of fudge, give away 8 pounds to the neighbors, will I lose 2 pounds, or will the neighbors just think I'm strange?

Or, if I make 15 pounds of fudge, give away 12, will I gain 3 pounds, have the neighbors think I'm strange and spend the next few weeks on the treadmill while watching re-runs of The Biggest Loser.

Or, should I just get myself a big bowl of ice cream (with homemade fudge sauce) sit in my comfortable chair and eat it while watching The Biggest Loser.

Will Jillian scream at me through my television?

If I sent her 15 pounds of fudge, would she shut up?


What do you think?